If I was Miss America, I would want the following things in the New Year:

1. World Peace
2. A really great boob job
3. A great lifting job for my hair. (They don’t call it bleaching anymore, it’s lifting.)
4. One of my family members or friends to get a horribly debilitating disease I could crusade against.

If I was my cat, I would want the following things in the New Year:

1. Opposable thumbs.
2. Squirrel minions that I could both taunt and torment.
3. A most excellent napping place that is incredibly inconvenient for my human … like on top of their head.
4. Fresh tuna in my bowl.

If I was a dog, I would want the following things in the New Year:

1. Play!
2. Bark!
3. Chew!
4. Did I mention Play?

If I was a congressman, I would want the following things in the New Year:

1. A stroke. I’d be the good guy for freaking ever and get more press than everyone else.
2. To “serve” my constituents doing the least amount of work possible to earn my 100K+ yearly salary.
3. A really nice suit.
4. … um … World Peace?

If I was that bitch who cut me off on the highway while talking on her god damned cell phone, I would want the following things in the New Year:

1. A new cell phone – to replace the one that was lodged in my forehead after I plowed into the car in front of me.
2. A year of movie theater ticket.
3. Two of those little America flags so I can attach them to my car so everyone knows how much I love Jesus.
4. For little Jimmy Joe Bob Johnny to get on the varsity football team.

If I was fabulously rich, I would want the following things in the New Year:

1. To travel endlessly.
2. Buy a really nice house and install all the things I want in it.
3. Go to my 10 year high school reunion and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.
4. Buy something really shiny … I mean really shiny … for my husband.

Posted by Utopia at January 5, 2007 10:53 AM

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