Every now and again, I feel it is my moral duty to educate people. I was going to write a bit about the Westguard Rules. Then I realized that no one has any idea at all what these are nor cares. Unless you are an engineer or scientist, you really, really don’t care about standard deviations, control rules and Levey-Jennings charts.

Instead, I wanted to talk about management. Not all that motivational bullshit. No, that is not the important part of management. What is really important in management is learning to really fuck with whoever your bitch is for the week. You realize, of course, that you must rotate your bitch weekly, this will keep all of your minions on their toes and really increase productivity because your employees will fight over who gets to be your bitch. To keep people on their toes, make the person who works their ass off your bitch for two weeks in a row. This will really throw people off.

Now, managers, I have compiled a list of ways to fuck with your employees and really make them work hard for you.

• Make sure that you don’t stand up for them even if you know they’re right. Always roll over to pressure from other departments. This will really make them work hard to cover your ass and while they are covering theirs.
• Be sure to micromanage on projects - especially people who work fast and efficiently. Waste as much time as possible explaining procedures they already know and the timeline that they wrote.
• Call meetings and then don’t listen to anyone. Just tell them when it needs to be done, even if it is completely unreasonable.
• Remember those fast and efficient people? Make sure they have nothing to do with actually keeping the project on schedule. Instead, give the important tasks to the people who can’t manage their time, nit-pick over every word in a procedure and don’t do their work because of personal conflict.
• Don’t do the tasks you assign to yourself. Instead give them to the person who has the most to do. If it is one of those fast and efficient people, be sure to spend at least an hour explaining the task.
• Don’t give anyone any credit. In fact, take credit away from people by giving their validation procedures to others, have them rewrite them so they are useless and then put their name on it, rendering the original work obsolete and there by wasting a month of work done.
• When someone comes to you with a real live problem, blow it 12 steps out of proportion or ignore it. If you choose to ignore it, wait until it becomes a real issue and then blame the person who reported the problem in the first place.
• Spend at least 1 hour every day walking up to everyone on your team and telling them what you did over the weekend, what you had for dinner, or about that really neat rock you found in your backyard. They do want to know and it will make you a closer team. Honest.
• When one of your employees volunteers to pick up the slack of other people and do their work for them, be sure to pester then every 15 minutes while they are doing the task to make sure they are “okay” with it.
• Be sure to talk about everyone behind their back to other people on the team. Make sure the love-hate relationship is strong within the group. It’ll make you closer. Honest.
• Expect them to work Saturdays, but don’t tell them you want them to. Refuse to show up on weekends yourself.
• If an employee goes above and beyond the call of duty, make sure to ignore them. Or make them your next week’s bitch.

These things will really motivate your team. They have the Utopia seal of approval.

Posted by Utopia at December 12, 2006 12:37 PM

Comments

Posted by: jeckles at December 12, 2006 09:12 PM

Posted by: Shutter at December 13, 2006 09:37 AM

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