Last week I encountered someone who told me that real men don’t eat tofu. Being a woman, I, of course, could not understand this. So, in my pursuit of science I went on the hunt to find honest to goodness men in the wilds to query what it is that makes a man a “real man”. I had the luck of finding a true, wild man from the depths of Kansas or Missouri or maybe Mars, I didn’t catch his origins. I pressed this “Real Man” to get answers to my most pressing questions as to what differs the “Real man” from the obviously tame and docile breed we seem to be surrounded with now. It was a struggle to learn his tongue, but for the sake of science I persevered.

This may help you in understanding their delicate psyches. Be wary when approaching real men.

Things I learned about men last week:

• Real men don’t eat tofu. They only eat processed food stuffs. Preferably those that come out of a can. This leads me to believe that if tofu came in a can, it would be acceptable for a man to eat.
• Manly men should pay more for their haircut than for their shoes because only women spend a lot of money on shoes.
• Manly men don’t want to be cowboys anymore. Cowboys have gone the way of the fireman and construction worker and the name Lance.
• Real men don’t listen to music without guitars in it. Music without guitars is chick music and off limits to real men. If music doesn’t have a guitar in it, a real man has no outlet for his air guitar practice. Air guitar is like water to a real man.
• It’s okay for real men to watch female figure skating because it has hot chicks wearing nude colored tights that trick you into thinking they are almost naked. However, if a real man watched male figure skating, his penis falls off.
• Real men don’t eat fruit. Or anything green unless it is on a hamburger or a pizza. It is acceptable to eat tomatoes, but only in the form of various sauces.
• Real men don’t read, much less write poetry. Poetry causes cerebral damage in the male brain. In fact, the use and cognition of metaphor in the male brain has been linked to erectile dysfunction.
• Real men should try to answer all questions with no more than monosyllabic answers. Another acceptable answer is “Because” which I determined to be slang for “because I say so” in their native tongue.

I learned all of these things last week from men who claimed to be real men. Some of the reasoning is pure postulation because I could not get clear rationale behind them despite my queries.

So, my pursuit for knowledge in the name of science continues. Next time I will delve into real man’s environment. What differs a real man’s personal space from that of the obviously tamed and docile man? Is being a “real man” nature or nurture? We shall see.

Posted by Utopia at December 4, 2006 02:59 PM

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