I was going to write an insightful post about words, the basis of understanding and finding common ground, but instead I think I need to write about my weekend.

I had a rather surreal weekend.

My husband and I catered a birthday party for a dog. The party was a costume party. There was a dog dressed up as Jacki-O. There was a debutant dog wearing a fur stole. There was a jack-o-lantern dog, a Georgia Bulldog, a ladybug, and a cheerleader. There were other costumes, but they escape me at the moment.

Anyway, we made dog biscuits and a doggie birthday cake. It was the cake that made the experience surreal. That and the fact that every single person asked my husband and I what was in the cake. Every single one.

Also, I ate one of the dog biscuits I made. There was cheese and garlic in them, I couldn’t help it. I walked around the party serving biscuits to dogs. Seriously, I did.

Then, the whole turning back my clock thing happened. I have to be honest, daylight savings confuses the fuck out of me. It messes up my whole natural clock and makes my head wonky. For some reason, I find the changing of time surreal. Like the liquid clocks Dali painted.

Perhaps that seems odd to people who have been doing it their whole life, but it really seems strange to me. The whole idea that simply by changing what time your clock reads suddenly makes the time different is weird. The concept of we humans suddenly willing it to be an hour later or earlier is just plain arrogant. Sure, time is arbitrary to begin with, but the fact that it isn’t set is odd.

I am from Arizona. We didn’t have Daylight Savings time. I never had to change my clock. I never had to worry about Autumn Back, Spring Forward. I find it disturbing. I mean, I was just getting used to the fact that it was dark when I drove to work, then suddenly, it’s not anymore. All at once. I like the gentle transition of Summer into Autumn then Autumn into Winter. The slow change of the cycles of the sun is comforting. The change is jarring.

It also makes me think I’m running late.

Rage.

The cubicle ninjas have hit me where it hurts. My stomach.

Bastards. It was one thing to stock the snack machine with things I despise. I can avoid the snack machine and ignore it. It’s like barbed wire, you know it’s a threat, but you can avoid it if you keep your eyes open.

But now they have truly gone too far.

I am filled with rage.

The bastards stole my bagels.

They took them right out of the fridge. I had 1.5 bagels left and the whole package is gone. But they had the audacity to leave my cream cheese sitting there. I wrote my name on the bag of bagels to keep fellow co-workers from taking them. We all know they wouldn’t have touched the bagels knowing they were mine. We are fellow office pirates and must act with camaraderie.

This leaves only the cubicle ninjas. They are the only ones who would sink low enough to steal my bagels. They have gone into enemy territory and taken something precious to me. Next thing you know, they’ll come directly into my cube and steal my pumpkin seeds and peanuts I keep for snacking on.

The gauntlet has truly been thrown and I will make sure they pay for this infraction. I’m hopped up on tea and anger. There is no telling what I’ll do.

So, this is the end.

Mango Radio ends tomorrow.

That means tonight is the last episode of Utopia on Mango Radio. So it means I will be bidding the station goodbye in my own way. People tend to forget that I’m not nice so my goodbyes are not generally heartfelt and sappy.

This leaves me in a quandary with what to do with myself. I actually enjoy podcasting as a hobby. I find it amusing. I enjoy music and it gives me a chance to say things aloud I rarely get the chance to say.

I have a goal for the show tonight. I want to see if I can say fuck at least 50 times. I want to say sackless twat at least twice and I’ll pepper some good ol’ fashioned Utopia rage in there. I will play music for each of the remaining dj’s/shows and talk about them. I would play clips but I’m lazy and I don’t have the time to go traipsing through old shows to pull out the ones I want. Oh well. I was also thinking about playing only They Might Be Giants songs, but I won’t torture anyone with that.

Tune in tonight.

It will be special.

8pm EST on Mango Radio.

I rarely respond to comments I get in this long and verbose fashion. But this one really riled me up for some reason. Usually I’d just ignore it, but you know what, fuck it. I’m in a mood and this time of year is rolling around again.

Today I got this comment from a post I made a year ago about “Trunk or Treat” that is held in my neighborhood. (They are doing it again this year … Laaaaaaaame!)

Kim wrote:

Or maybe they dont want child molesters out waiting for some kid to come to their door for their own personal treat. Why is everything some conspiracy to some people. Get over it! Its fun, its safe, and parents dont have to worry about their children. Obviously there is no costume rule. So, why is it so bad? Its not. The thing I noticed was....none of you have kids. So, maybe there is the problem. You dont have to worry about some pervert hurting your child. Get a grip.

First off, any parent who lets their young child go trick or treating alone is an irresponsible asshat. Obviously they use the Trunk or Treat as an excuse not to have to watch after their own child. Do they think that a child molester won’t get their kid from a car? Or school? Or church? Or anywhere else?

This Trunk or Treat is truly worse than regular trick or treating. I mean, seriously, how many times were you told as a child not to take candy from strangers in their car? How many times have you seen an Amber Alert in your neck of the woods? How many flyers have you see with pictures of a child with the word “Missing” on it, then a description of a car and adult?

No, I don’t have kids. I don’t want them. But I’ve done enough volunteer work with children to know how to act as a responsible adult when children are around. I’ve seen enough poor parenting to know what it is. I’ve also seen enough honestly good parenting to know what it is. Responsible parenting is not about trying to create a 100% safe environment for your children. Unless you want your child to live in a germ-free, padded room without access to any people, internet, TV, media of any sort and hard edges; nothing is 100% safe. From what I can tell, a good parent does the best they can. They watch over their children, spend time with them and take responsibility for where they go. For fuck’s sake, adults aren’t safe from molesters in this world.

Halloween is a holiday that is supposed to be fun. Half of that fun is wandering around the neighborhood in a stupid costume and large pillow case hoping to get it filled with candy. My mother always went with us, flashlight in tow. She made sure we only visited houses with lights and pumpkins/decorations. She watched over us. But it didn’t prevent us from having fun.

Look at me! I didn’t get molested on Halloween.

The one time I went to a “safe” Halloween party at the school, it sucked. The candy was lame and no one could really see anything that was going on because of the number of people there. It was a molester’s paradise.

And while I’m ranting about preposterous bullshit. I never got poisoned from candy. Nor did I ever find a razor in candied apples, much less a syringe. Hell, I never even got hit by a stray egg on Halloween.

So. fuck Trunk or Treat. I look forward to Halloween every year despite the fact that I have no kids. I like decorating my house and making little bags of candy and toys. I like putting out jack-o-lanterns. I will not go to a church to celebrate this holiday. I will not give children candy from my car.

I am not Christian of any denomination and I find it offensive that if I want to celebrate Halloween in my neighborhood I have to go to a church where I’m not welcome to do it. (I mean I have issues with the fact that it is my Voting Station. You think I’m going to go there for a lame Halloween party?)

So Kim, get off you moral high horse and suck my metaphorical dick. My problem with Trunk or Treat is that it fucking sucks schlong and is not fun. It’s not safer than anything else and it is about 100 times lamer. Don’t expect others to protect your children for you. Do it yourself, you illiterate, self-righteous cunt. (I say illiterate because the person obviously missed the point of the entry and didn’t read the other comments.)

And grow a fucking sense of humor.

I like reading depressing stories. Perhaps that makes me weird.

I read a lot of manga and the ones that are my favorites are the ones that are sad. I like the ones that don’t end with everything working out. I like the ones where the world dies. Maybe it is because these stories always feel more honest. Maybe not realistic, but they feel honest.

It is like they are raw.

All of my favorite books are rather sad; the kind that leaves me feeling despondent when I finish them. I think this may be why there are few others who like the same books I like. It may also be why, in general, I don’t like mysteries, fantasy or sci-fi … they all wrap up and the heroes win.

I prefer books where there are no heroes. Just people. We’re all just people after all. I even start having problems with books where the line between protagonist and antagonist becomes clear. To me, this line ought to blur. It should become ephemeral. In a truly good novel, you shouldn’t really be able to see this line. You can despise a character or love one, but the person ought to seem real. With purpose.

Who in the world sees themselves as the antagonist? The Villain?

In our own little stories we all want to think we are the main character. That we are the hero. That we are the protagonist. I think this is because we are the only constant in our lives. We can only see things through our own eyes and everything around us is a prop. Other characters float into our life … and sometimes out of our life.

Sometimes I think life is like a book without a plot.

I think I am going to lose one of my toenails. I didn’t notice until this morning, but one of them is quite bruised and swollen. I don’t remember hurting it and I can only guess that I did it in my game yesterday.

Strangely, despite the fact that is looks like it is going to fall off, it doesn’t hurt at all.

It reminds me of the time when I was a very little kid. I had just learned how to walk (yes, I do actually remember this) and I was walking into the apartment my parents lived in before my brother was born. Anyway, my dad wasn’t paying attention and closed the door on me. All of my toes slipped under the door and it ripped out most of my toenails. I remember crying a lot and my mom having a near conniption about it. It hurt. I do remember that. My toenails are still rather odd looking. Most of them are very small, almost slivers of nails really.

Anyway, every time I get a bruised toenail I think about that.

I find it sad that I didn’t notice until this morning. Of course, I’m not really one to stare at my feet. They are not attractive feet. My toes are oddly shaped and rather long. Like gorilla toes, but without the excess amounts of hair.

So now, I am left with the quandary. Do I want to drill a hole in my toenail to prevent it from falling out? Or do I simply want to let it do what it’s going to do?

Jeebus in mint jelly… this entry is fucking lame. I need to stop writing now.

I am too lazy to write a real entry, so instead you get bullet points because I just don't give a fuck.

• Mango Radio is going away, this makes me a bit sad, but it's not unexpected. I will have my Wednesday and Sunday night free. I'm thinking about starting to record books on tape with my new friend Nacho.
• The cubicle ninjas did something even more dastardly than i thought possible. They replaced the Rainbow Twizzlers with the only thing I can think of that is more disgusting: Raisinettes. This calls for drastic measures.
• Soccer game is today. I feel pumped. Rawr and stuff.
• Friday was my birthday. I turned 27. I got a $70 gift certificate to Borders, a D&D 3.5 Players handbook, my mic Nacho and some money. I also got laid. It was a good day.
• I finally saw Ginger Snaps. It was better than I was expecting.
• Got new music for my radio show. I will be broadcasting until I can broadcast no more. Tune in tonight 8pm EST on Mango Radio.
• Left over indian food .... mmmmm .... nagiri kofta makes me happy.

Yes, that is like a blog entry... only useless.

I got my new mic. It is really spiffy.

MXL V6MBP - I think I'll call it Roger. Roger seems like an excellent name for a microphone. Or maybe I'll call him Nacho. We'll see.

The first thing I had to do when mucking aout with my mic was buy a battery. Who the hell uses 9 Volts anymore? Well, I do now. But that's okay. Maybe one day i'll set up a pre-amp phantom power source so I won't need it. Maybe. If I ever become that cool.

I don't ever plan on being that cool. You know. Cuz I suck.

Now I just have to figure out what to do with my mic after the 26th.

Okay, I don't generally do these things. At least I haven't for a while anyway. However, right now I feel like shit. I came home from work. Yes, I went to work and got sent home for being sick. (Truthfully half of me being sick is the fact I have cramps so bad they are making me nauseous. Seriously. And I know none of you want to know that. But fuck it. Of course I also have a fever and a watery head.)

Anyway, I found this from Vesper over at Vesper's Escape. It is really simple. Open up your music library in whatever player you use. Set it to shuffle, then for each "segment" below let it play a song. When you are ready to go to the next, click the next button.

Truthfully, this isn't the best soundtrack. Some of the song's don't really fit, but, fuck it. I can't think and this is the closest thing you're going to get to an entry.

Wake
Stumbleine - Smashing Pumpkins (This is a sign the excersize is already going badly for me.)

First Day of School
Scentless Apprentice - Nirvana

Playtime/Childhood
Selling the Drama - Live

Falling in Love
Hurt - Peter Murphy and Trent Reznor performing together

Fight Song
Vobei (fap7 mix) - Beborn Beton

Break-Up Song
Reason's Why - Nickel Creek
Times they are A-Changing - Bob Dylan (I accidentally clicked it twice for this one)

Prom
Wildflowers - Tom Petty

Life's Okay
Where you Come From - Pantera

Mental Breakdown
Karen by NIght - Jill Sobule

Driving
Porcelain - Moby

Flashback
Hotel - Tori Amos

Getting Back Together
Enterlude - The Killers

Wedding
Unicorn - Bel Canto

Birth of a Child
I Alone - K's Choice and Anouk

Final Battle
The Man who Sold the World - David Bowie

Death Scene
Flood - Tool

Funeral Song
Don't Cry for me Argentine - Me First and the Gimme Gimmes (Okay, this made me giggle a little bit)

End Credits
Above Ground - Norah Jones
Return (Coming Home) - The CruxShadows
(I chose two for End Credits because there are usually two songs in the end credits of a movie.)

I think If I was to sit down and choose what songs I wanted for my sound track, it would be quite different, but these aren't bad. Some amuse me even. Or maybe it's the de-congestant medicine that makes it amusing.

No, I'm not tlaking about "emo". Fuck emo. Fuck emo music and it's whiny lame excuse for imitating Morrissey, Peter Murphy in the lamest way possible. I like Morrissey.

Lately I have been indulging in my musical guilty pleasures.

I like Morrissey. I know. It's angsty and cheesy, but I love it.

So, close your eyes and think of someone you physically admire
And let me kiss you. Ohh.
Let me kiss you.

I have also been in this mood to revel in Pet Shop Boy. They are coming into town Thursday and I want to see them. I know, I know. Pet Shop Boys? You're probably thinking i've gone a bit off eh? Meh, fuck it. I like it. I don't care what other people think. But, even worse then Pet Shop Boy is lately I've been listening to George Micheal. I mean for fuck's sake, have I turned into a gay man? Last I checked I was still minus a penis which is good, but damn. At least I haven't started listening to Celine Dion or Cher.

I am also into this German band I found called Edenfeld. They are similar to Wolfsheim, but different enough not to piss me off.

I have been abusing Pandora looking for new music to get into. I know what I like and it has been pretty good at adjusting to my fickle tastes and I like that. So, back I go to fulfill my musical addiction.

The Cubicle ninjas have come in and done something right up their alley. Yes, they have used their master skill. They have rearranged the cubicles. Not my cubicle of course. They came in with nice new cubes and rearrange Customer service and accounting. They made those cubes roomy, private and added in extra cabinets.

This has deflated the moral of the office pirates in other sectors of the building. Why would the cubicle ninjas rearrange Accounting/Customer service into a fort-like structure unless they were planning something huge. They have an outer wall and an inner wall now and I can only guess that this has become my dastardly foe’s base of operations. What are they planning next?

I am left to speculate.

The battle for the Break Room goes poorly. For weeks we have had no caffeinated Green Tea, English Tea, Earl Grey or even Lemon Tea. There have only been their decaffeinated counterparts. There have been herbal teas as well, but these do not provide me with the energy required to do my daily fight against the Ninjas. The snack machine has all but been taken over. Not only have the tasty snacks been eliminated, but the prices have been raised.

Remember, it all started with Rainbow Twizzlers. Beware fellow office pirates. If you should see these colorful confections in your snack machine, you too may be at risk.

I can see the tides turning in the Break Room Battles. A mysterious box of English tea has appeared from no where this morning. This black elixir has given me the power to fight on.

Perhaps there is a hidden ally somewhere in the wings.

Do you remember Parachute pants?

Did you ever shave lightning bolts or nike swooshes into the sides of your head?

Do you remember the Humpty Dance or the hand signs for 2 Legit to Quit?

Do you recall when rappers didn’t say fuck or bitch every other word and thus could get their songs played on the radio?

Did you go to see Ninja Turtle 2 just to see Vanilla Ice dance with a couple of mutants?

Do you miss any of these things?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, we can help you. In the late 80’s and early 90’s there was music other than “I like Big Butts” and “Ice, Ice Baby”. There was fashion that didn’t make you look like a BBC-fabulous alien in gold lame.

Want to remember?

Fuck no, but you know you can’t resist.

Let’s all revel in the 80’s tonight on Mango Radio.

Why?

‘Cuz I’ve got moxie damn it.

Three channels to choose from:

1. http://rs1.radiostreamer.com:8050/listen.pls (for Winamp)
   http://rs1.radiostreamer.com:8050 (for Windows Media Player, iTunes, etc.)


2. http://mangoradio.serverroom.us:7610/listen.pls (for Winamp)
   http://mangoradio.serverroom.us:7610 (for Windows Media Player, iTunes, etc.)


3. Or tune in via Live365.com

For those of you who don't know, I grew up in Arizona. This has been a subject of much debate among my podcast listeners. Many think I grew up in New Mexico. I shudder to think what level of insanity I would possess if this were the case. I merely went to college in New Mexico.

Anyway, I grew up in the boonies. "The boonies" is a technical term that means "Way the fuck out in the middle of nowhere". I grew up on the outskirts of Tucson in the mountains. I was surrounded by desert greenery. (Yes, the desert has fucking greenery.) I was in the midst of Saguaro, prickly pear, cholla, creosote, ocotillo, sage, palo verde and mesquite. I would tromp about in the desert for hours on end. New Mexico (where I went to school anyway) was a barren waste land in comparison to where I grew up. I remember seeing bobcats in my backyard, two huge white wolves, a mountain lion … not to mention a plethora of snakes, birds, prairie dogs, javelina and coyote.

Anyway, I miss the desert. I miss the cactus and I miss the mountains. Despite the dirt and dust, it feels clean. I cannot explain that, but to me, the desert always feels clean. The south is flat, wet and for me, uninspiring. Yes, there are trees, grass is everywhere and the whole area seems to be green. But somehow, it is a green that irritates my senses. There isn't enough yellow or white. The desert has a lot of white.

I have gone over a year without seeing the desert.

I feel very far away from home.

I am a desert child and I know it.

Damn it. Apparently school board/PTA stupidity isn’t limited to Dover.
We have our very own retards right here in Atlanta.

So, in honor of Mrs. Mallory, I present you with a lesson on how to avoid indoctrinating your children to witchcraft and thus keep them safe from school shootings. (Of course, that didn’t help those poor Amish school girls much.)

1. Remove all broomsticks from your house; they may tempt your children into trying to fly them off the roof like Harry Potter. Just to be on the safe side, remove vacuums as well. We don’t want our children getting any funny ideas about floor cleaning devices.
2. Remove all owl species from the endangered species list. If we kill off all the owls the secret “witch and wizard” society will no longer be able to communicate their evil desires around the world, thus saving our children from those rock ‘n’ roll crazed teens in trench coats.
3. Burn all books that make reference to witches (or wizards), especially ones that may be construed as “good”. We haven’t had a good book burning in a while and this one is sure to keep us warm in the coming winter. Forget your oil dependency, burn books! Be sure to include The Wizard of Oz, Snow White, The Little Mermaid, The Lord of the Rings, and, of course the ever offensive Harry Potter series.
4. Go to your local hippie store and make sure they do not sell any herbal remedies. We all know this is just witchcraft in a disturbing guise.
5. Get rid of all things “robe”-like in your house. No nighties, bath robes or long dresses. We all know witches always where long robes. First it’s robes, then pure unbridled evil.
6. Make sure they don’t have access to pointy hats. In fact, just to be sure, ban your children from all hats. There may be a rogue wizard hat in the guise of a fedora, or worse yet … a beanie.

Well then, my husband is leaving for his hippie retreat today.

This leaves me to my own devices. I will be here with my cats sitting about my house alone. It ought to be interesting. I have all of my meals planned out for the week. They are as follows:

-Tuesday (tonight) – left over Indian food. Mmmm… chick pea and chicken curry with butter naan and sang.
- Wednesday – Corned beef and Swiss sandwich, lightly toasted on egg roll with a fresh romaine salad (I don’t have any sauerkraut or it would become a Rueben.)
- Thursday - Eggs with Bell pepper and ground sweet Italian sausage all rolled up into a breakfast burrito covered with cheese and green chili.
- Friday – Turkey sandwich with provolone and blue cheese dressing on whole wheat; topped with tomato, onion and romaine. Fresh fruit on the side.
- Saturday – See Thursday.
- Sunday – Some conglomeration of sandwich with leftovers from above sandwiches.

For lunch on Saturday and Sunday I suspect I will have an egg sandwich. Or maybe just eggs over easy with chili and toast. We shall see on that one.

Someone doubted me when I said I was going to eat nothing but sandwiches and eggs all week. Hopefully this list will put those rumors to rest.

Elections.

Blech. Just blech.

It is at these times that I am extraordinarily thankful that I don’t watch television. After hearing the radio campaign ads, I can only imagine what the television ads would be like.

The big issue that the Georgia gubernatorial candidates have picked on this year is cracking down on child molesters. Yes, this is important, but really, unless you are one of those NAMBLA fucks, there is only one side to this issue and thus its political value is only to tug at people’s heartstrings. One candidate wants to hire more SVU units to crack down on internet stalkers and the other wants to be able to give repeat child molesters the death penalty. Then they flip flopped. So, what I gather is that both candidates want to do the exact same thing as the other on this issue.

Great.

Then the radio ads started.

“Mark Taylor won’t save your children until after it happens. Sonny is working hard to catch predators before they strike.”

“Sonny wants to let repeat child predators back out on the street after serving their sentences. Is this how you want your governor to keep your children safe?”

I can only imagine what the TV ads are like. In my head I picture a creepy guy in a trench coat walking around getting his jollies by showing his cock to school girls. “Mark Taylor won’t prevent perverts from showing your child the dangly bits of his nether regions. He’ll only punish them after the fact.”

For fucks sake. Obviously no one likes these asshats and no one wants their child molested by one. What next? Will they start to argue about food?

“Sonny Perdue is working hard to keep carrots in your local grocery store. Mark Taylor only works to keep green onion which has 13% less riboflavin. Do you want your governor to support a lack of riboflavin in your salad?”

I want to hear about the important things: the state budget, health care, job expansion, state taxes and inflation, education, property values. Give me something here.

The other hot button issue in Georgia is the electronic voting machine. Apparently people think that these machines will cheat. Yep, someone will hack the voting machines and make them vote for a specific candidate. They want a paper trail. So, instead of up to date electronic machines, they want to go back to paper ballots that must be hand counted. These assmunches are accusing the voting machines of rigging the vote. They aren’t accusing the people of vote tampering, they are accusing the machines themselves.

“Hey you! Voting machine! You lost me the vote in district 11! You bastard.”

“Annihilate! Annihilate! Destroy!” And seeing as the voting machine doesn’t have phallic like protrusions or lasers, it wants to destroy you by tampering with your vote. Last I checked, machines could only do what they were programmed to do.

Yes, people in Georgia are a few peanuts short of a circus and a few peaches short of a bushel.

They haven’t even started getting into the Senate ads yet, but I know I’m going to be annoyed and slightly afraid.

Holy shit, it is Sunday again. That means it is time for Utopia to mosey up to the mic and do a show.

This week you all should expect something special. Utopia will have guests in her batcave. Hopefully she will be able to convince two of them to talk into her mic, possibly 3 if she can get Mr. Utopia in on the action.

What will you be able to expect from a geologist, a laboratory psychologist and a physicist? Science and ranting.
possible topics for discussion:

-Psilocybin is being used again in clinical studies. Does it actually help you achieve enlightenment?
-Space tourism, New Mexico and becoming rediculously wealthy so we can take a space trip.
-Zeolites, emeralds and cacti! Oh my!
-Soccer talk. Utopia's game and various soccer strategy.
-Ranting about stupid people.
-New Orleans and what it was like after. (A first hand account.)
-Is it time to become responsible adults and look into "settling" down.

We will probably also tell inside stories that no one will find amusing but us. We may or may not talk about gaming, green chili, tamales and other assorted things that amuse us.

Tune in! 9pm EST! On Mango Radio.

On a side note, I am also thinking of changing the name of my show. I have a plan that I will discuss on the air. Tune in to get a first hand, action packed, run down. (Here is a preview for those of you who actually read this shit.)

Anyway, tune in tonight at 9pm EST!

Three ways to listen!

1. http://rs1.radiostreamer.com:8050/listen.pls (for Winamp)
   http://rs1.radiostreamer.com:8050 (for Windows Media Player, iTunes, etc.)


2. http://mangoradio.serverroom.us:7610/listen.pls (for Winamp)
   http://mangoradio.serverroom.us:7610 (for Windows Media Player, iTunes, etc.)


3. Or tune in via Live365.com