Best Non-Fiction writing …

It’s mind boggling to me. I wasn’t expecting to get nominated for anything during the Blogathon. Heck, I won like 3 contests without even really trying during the whole thing. Sometime within the next month I’ll be receiving a kosher cook book, a notebook and a CD; along with a box set DVD (News Radio Season 3) that I got for my husband’s birthday from Amazon thanks to Binary Blonde. But getting nominated is just … well, unexpected, especially for the category.

I’ll be the first one to admit, I wasn’t shooting for a nomination because I didn’t think I was writing anything worth nominating. Much less for Non-Fiction Writing. I think maybe if there had been a category for humor that would have been more appropriate because much of what I wrote was a farce. I mean “If I only had a Stick”? “Top Five fake Steven Segal Movies”? “Five ways to destroy cubicle ninjas?” “Top five reasons not to be eaten by a Shark”? Now, I admit, some of the lists were realistic and about me and thus non-fiction, but many were semi-satirical. If anyone needs to be mocked, it is most definitely me. For fuck’s sake, I go by the handle “Utopia”. Think about that for a moment beyond the name and perhaps you’ll see the irony of it.

Honestly, I’m not expecting to win anything. I’m up against Woolgathering, Indian Summer, Becks and Posh, and How Animals Save Us. My money is on How Animals Save Us. People love sentimental stuff that touches and pulls the heart strings. I do everything in my power to not touch the hearts of others unless it is to make them laugh at my dry, dark humor. If I do happen to put warm squishy feelings into other’s hearts, it is pure fluke. I swear. I hate people. No one ever believes me, but it’s true.

Of course, How Animals Save Us seems to have been set up solely for the Blogathon and hence probably won’t get read or scribbled in again. Then I am up against two Brits and a fellow desert person. Woolgathering is thrilled at the nomination and such excitement usually garners support. Becks and Posh is talking about garlic and Champagne. How can I compete with that? Cubicle ninjas are not as awesome as garlic.

Overall, I am glad I participated in the ‘thon. I wish I had been able to raise a little more money, but I think for a first timer, I did pretty dang good. Maybe I will try harder next year. I’m not good at asking people for money, even for charity. It’s something my parents instilled in me: Never ask for money. So, trying to bang together the metaphorical pots and pans to get money from people really goes against my grain.

Okay, enough of blogathon blather. Let us end today with something better. How many times I can use some form of Mother and Fuck in combination? Let’s see…

Mothah fuckin’ snakes on a mothah fuckin’ plane.

This is Samuel L with a tazer. At least I think that’s a tazer he’s got. Tazer the motha’ fuckah!

God damn. I want to see this movie. I don’t care. How could it possibly be bad? It tells you up front what it is about. Snakes on a fuckin’ plane. The only way it might be more awesome is if it was Zombie Snakes on a Plane. (But we shall leave that to Troma.) It has Samuel L with a fuckin’ tazer. (You can’t fire a gun on a plane unless you have a death wish Motha’ Fuckah. Samuel L is far too cool to have a death wish.) Samuel L might tazer a snake. Fucken A’, that kicks ass. Also, think of all the porn movies that this will spawn. I mean you wouldn’t even have to change the name for a porn flick. Motha’ Fuckin’ Snakes on a Plane Bitch! Plus, you know you bad ass when you don’t give a fuck about doing a movie called Snakes on a Plane. Samuel L is on bad ass Motha’ Fuckah because he wanted it to be called Snakes on a Motha’ Fucken Plane. He is the only man cool enough in our generation to play motha’ fucken Shaft. Remember that. He is one bad motha’.

My bets:
Samuel L vs Snakes………………..Sam ahead by 10 points in the last quarter.
Samuel L vs Plane…………………..Sam ahead of plane by 3 points on a stunning power play in the final minute or possibly overtime.

Posted by Utopia at August 9, 2006 09:58 AM

Comments

Posted by: Binary Blonde at August 10, 2006 02:01 AM

Posted by: Binary Blonde at August 10, 2006 02:03 AM

Posted by: Nolff at August 15, 2006 04:59 PM

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