And so ... it began.
Utopia set out on a scavenger hunt adventure.
It began ...
... with a mug. A shitty mug. A shitty broken mug.
This mug was special to me, but alas, it arrived broken. So I got a new mug. This mug was better and much less broken and would hold beverage.
The mug down, I set off on my adventure into the great wild blue. Where, I found a chicken. it had just laid an egg. I named my chicken Buck. Buck seems like a good name for a egg laying chicken. Or Francis. Either way, it doesn't matter. I decided to eat both Buck/Francis and the yummy egg he/she laid for me.
Then I went into the yard and found this lovely work of art along with the remains of a downtrodden Squirrel. Squirrels are merry little creatures and it always makes me sad to see one fail in life. Or maybe win. Perhaps their ultimate goal is to be sent to the great Squirrel Summer Lands by the Truck wheel of death.
Seeing Road kill always makes me a bit randy, so I decided to get out my favorite sex toy. I call him Sparky. I wanted a ball gag, but I didn't have one, so I made one out of a golf ball. It worked like a fucking champ. Here is my favorite sex toy (or machine, whatever), a golf ball and a ball gag.
Feeling satisfied, I realized I was hungry. I always get hungry after sex. So I decided to go and get a sundae. I went to Sonic. They make small sundaes since I don't really like sweets, but I thought my sex toy did a good job, and he needed a treat as much as I did. Oooey, Gooey ... yum.
Still I was not satisfied, so I went to the store and perused the fruit section. There, I found mangoes. Mmm... Mango. There were many. They were ripe, they were to be mine. All mine!!
Did you know that people don't want American lobsters? While at the grocery store, I looked at the cute little lobsters. They tell you where they are from by the rubber bands on the claws.
I always thought the Canadians were trying to pull something on us... now they're doing it by forcing us to buy all their lobsters.
After the store, I decided to walk about the mall. Everyone knows that the mall is the best place to find stupid people. Stupid people go above and beyond the call of duty when helping others with scavenger hunts. Yep, I used them and I don't care. I am a cunt and I used people for my own selfish ends.
Right, As I was saying ... the mall. I went to the mall to find things on my list. In front of the mall, I found pigeons. To be honest, that's a lie. I had a picture of pigeons already. I recycle!
I even cropped out the garbage that was in the photo! Artsy and shit! Then, I went into the mall.
I *twitch* went into the Disney store *twitch twitch* and found a snow globe. It's actually a glitter globe. It has a little mermaid in it. I took one of the Toy Story globe, but that picture sucked. I wanted the Toy Story globe to torment KatKat. But, that picture was shitty, even shittier than my normally wretched pictures. So, here is an Ariel Snowglobe.
So, I continued to look around the mall. I found masks!
They are silly masks, but I like them. They are tribal-ee and shit. I'll bet they're mass produced in Korea and everything. Authentic!
The mall, I was beginning to feel woozy. But for the sake of adventure, I toughed it out. Finding refuge first in a book store. There was a remarkable absence of people there and for a moment, I realized Zen. While in my state of Nirvana, I thought I heard god. Then I realize that I just had to pee. I also sent my Sparky in to pee. He took this picture for me. Apparently Urinal cakes are becoming an endangered thing. He said you rarely see them in urinals anymore. That makes me a little sad, but then again, I don't pee standing up.
Still I pressed on, despite the hideous gaze of ultimate evil upon my very soul. I could feel it, penetrating me. The song shattered my very being. I walked into Claire’s and I heard the Siren of Evil ... Spears. I knew it had to be her. Bloody Bansidhe. But I got the treasure I went in for... the elusive Mood Ring.
Then I fled. My body could not withstand it any longer. My soul was rending itself apart. The mall was truly beginning to swallow me. So I ran. It was dark outside. I ran into a haven, a sanctuary. A Play It Again Sports. There, I found the Mask. The Hockey mask. A real one. Look upon it in all it's glory. Feel it's power. My Sparky held it on high and we let our souls become whole again, healed by it's warmth from the evil that was the Mall.
And so, that portion of the journey was done.
On the way home from the Mall I took McLendon Street. McLendon was the President of a small community college. Since I'm lazy and didn't want to drive downtown to find a Country president's name, I decided this would do. remember, least amount of work possible to get through this task. Just so you all know, I'm not trying at all because I don't really care. I did this all in a day ... zero effort and the power of stupid people. All I need is a whip and some limestone to make them drag. Call me Pharaoh bitch!
We decided to stop at the Dunkin Donuts. I found lovely Vanilla cream donuts that I brought home and fed to my Conch. I don't really like sweet things, but everything around me seems to enjoy them. Down here in the South, it seems that there is a great debate between donuts. Most people around here claim Krispey Kreme is better. I say they are retards. Dunkin' Donuts is by far the superior product. Not only are they open 24 hours a day, but they make cake donuts which are superior to the puffy donuts. Of course, even saying this around here is akin to heresy, but I will not back down. They can burn me like they burned Joan, but I will one day be sainted for my unyielding belief in the Dunkin Donuts. Four out of Five Conch Shells agree.
Since I didn't want a donut, I decided to make some toast. I do like toast. Upon getting my toast from the toaster, I noticed that I was given a message! There was some strange bitch on one piece of toast, but on the other piece of toast I found a holy message! Be Proud! Be Shitty! it said to me. Upon seeing that I knew I was blessed and had to further my pursuit!
With this bolstering of my spirit and the deadline fast approaching, I pressed on. My cat, seeing my distress, aided me with a lovely hairball.
I was almost done... almost. Then I remembered that on Sunday, during my radio show I made some Macaroni art! Winner!
In Arizona, the prisons have special pink undershirts and underwear supplied to them. They also make the inmates sleep in tents outside. They want jail to suck there. I miss Arizona. Fortunately, I remembered that I had one of those Pink Undershirts they give inmates. Will this count? Probably not, but fuck it, at least I tried.
A horse, a horse, my blogdom for a horse! My Sparky, once again rescues me and finds for me, a horse. Unlike some people, I live in a city, we don’t keep animals in the city. Fuck that shit.
Suddenly, I realized I had no dirty diapers, no 8-track tape and no man in a speedo or even a speedo without a man. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck! I am filled with rage and I must use the dark forces of nature and the loa to banish the evil that has done this to me. Yes jeckles, it is you. I command the loa to burninate you! Grr and stuff! I put hexes and voodoo on you. Evil eye! Evil eye!
Be Proud! Be Shitty!
Fuck this shit!
Posted by Utopia at June 20, 2006 09:58 PM
Well done!
(my sundae came from Sonic too)
Most excellent work!
Posted by: aka_monty at June 20, 2006 11:57 PM
I must say I am impressed.
Posted by: jeckles at June 21, 2006 12:07 AM
Ok, screw you both and anyone else who has access to a Sonic, I would kill to try Sonic.
I LOVE the ball gag, that was brilliance on your part!
The commentary was also well done, I just giggled like a dumbass once again as I went over it a second time.
GOOD JUJU!
Posted by: WebKittyn at June 21, 2006 02:09 AM
Hee! Of all of them, I like the voodoo doll best. Rest in pieces, Jeckles. ;)
Posted by: Ginger at June 21, 2006 03:08 AM
Sonic kicks fucking ass.
I love their Foot-long cheese Coney with Tots and a Cherry Limeade.
And their ice kicks ass, too.
Posted by: monogodo at June 21, 2006 09:49 AM
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