So, my anniversary is on Wednesday/Thursday. Our anniversary is the Summer Solstice, but that day wobbles from year to year and technically our wedding was on the 22nd of June. So, I was looking for gifts for my husband. Unlike many female bloggers on the web, I have nothing ill to say about my husband. I married him not only because I love him, but also because I like him. It may sound hokey, but he is my best friend. He is probably one of four people that I don’t hate in the world. (I’m not lying when I say I hate people.)

Enough corniness. You shan’t hear it again. I promise. It makes me twitch just writing such romantic things. Definitely not in my nature.

Anyway, I was looking for gifts for him. I thought it would be amusing to send him flowers. So, I looked around different local florist pages looking for a bouquet to send to him. Now, I hate flowers as a gift. I find them corny and pointless. Now, I am even more against them.

Flowers are insanely expensive. They wanted on average $100 for a dozen roses. What the fuck? What sort of chump pays $100 for a gift that will wither and die? Are you men fucking retarded? Seriously? Women out there … I should smack you for wanting such gifts.

Flowers are not especially romantic. To me it is a gift that says: “Hey honey, I don’t really know much about you, so here’s an easy gift that I didn’t have to think about and will die in a week. I hope the empty vase and dead flowers will remind you how much I love you in the future.”

Fucking Christ in mint jelly. I can think of a million things that $100 is better spent on. Something that will last. Something with a bit of thought behind it. Anything is better than blowing $100+ on a bouquet of flowers that will simply be thrown into the garbage in a week. So men (and you shallow women out there), here are some gifts that are better than flowers.

1. A movie. Go out and buy one of you sweetheart’s favorite movies for them.
2. Music. A CD, a concert, a fucking mixed tape. This is something that will last.
3. Clothes. A nice sweater or a shirt is always nice. Or a Tee with an amusing, but relevant phrase on it. Avoid pants. It’s is always embarrassing when you under or over estimate size.
4. A hammer. A hammer is at least useful. Think of all the things you can do with a hammer. Compare that with all the things you can do with a flower. This renders the hammer fucking superior.
5. Sex. Hey, it’s free and infinitely more satisfying to both parties than a bunch of rotting plants.
6. For the geek – a new bit of gadgetry awesome. It’s best if it has purple LEDs and black metallic features. That way it looks future-ee as well as being a bit of gadgetry awesome.
7. For the art nerd – an assortment of art supplies in your significant other’s favorite color. A tube of paint, a pencil, a marker, paper.
8. For the gamer – a retro game pack. Go and dig out a jaguar or something. Maybe a Sega CD. Find a game for it, play late into the night while drinking Mountain Dew and eating Doritos.
9. For the science dork – a telescope. Use the vast sky as your romantic serenade.
10. Tupperware. They say diamonds are forever, but fucking Tupperware will survive the bloody apocalypse.
11. Dance Lessons. This is cooler than it sounds. You two go together and spend time together and think about each other on more than just the one day that has been deemed “special” for no other reason than the fact that the two of you signed a bit of paper on that day and had someone you didn’t know say some words for you. Learning to move together is a great gift.
12. A monkey. It may fling poo and carry disease, but it is sure to cause crazy hi-jinks just like in the sitcoms. And afterwards, instead of an empty vase, you can have a crazy inside joke to drive all of your friends mad.

Posted by Utopia at June 19, 2006 02:26 PM

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Posted by: Mango at June 19, 2006 02:45 PM

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