Abstract Utopia - I am a Desert.

Meat, meat, and meat with a side of meat please

June 27, 2006
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There are people at work who brag about how little red meat they eat. It’s a topic of conversation at lunch at least once a week. Most of the time at lunch they talk about things I’m either uninterested in or can’t relate to: kids, home ownership, television, etc.

Anyway, the ladies were all bragging about how little meat they eat like this was some sort of status symbol of their yuppie-ness or something. You know times have changed when people brag about not eating meat. There was a time when eating meat meant you weren’t starving. There was a time when only peasants suffered through days without meat. Vegetarianism is a relatively new concept in the grand scheme of human history.

What does this mean? Is this non-meat eating trend some sort of soccer mom fashion statement? I don’t get it. What is so great about vegetarianism? I’m not against people who want to be vegetarian, but when did it become a status symbol and not a life choice? I know some people don’t eat meat for their own moral reasons. Or reasons of disgust and fear. They picture the animal they’re eating and it freaks them out that we would eat such a “cute” creature.

Screw that.

Have you ever seen a cow? Or a chicken? Not cute. These animals are so stupid that they deserve to be eaten. Seriously. Why lower yourself on the food chain to their level? Some people say, if aren’t willing to kill it yourself that you shouldn’t eat it. Once again, screw that. Hand me a knife and let me gut those things.

If you want to be a vegetarian go for it. More power to you. It’s just not for me. You can rant at me all you want, but I don’t care. I don’t feel pangs of karma for eating a nice juicy burger topped with bacon and cheese. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t eat meat every day. Sometimes I indulge in the vegetarian cuisine. I love falafel as much as the next woman, but every day? I think not. Variety is the spice of my life.

Top Ten Reasons I could never be a Vegetarian

10. Barbeque just wouldn’t be the same with veggie burgers and tofu. Neither would deep fat frying. Tofuky doesn’t cut it on Thanksgiving and it never will. (Yes, this is from personal experience. My aunt and uncle are vegetarian and so growing up for big family thanksgiving we have both vegetarian and non-vegetarian dishes.)
9. Cows are stupid. They stand there waiting for you to eat them. Evolution has not made them fast or given them sharp claws or teeth by which to fight back with. If a creature is so easily available to be eaten, we should eat it damn it.
8. The human body is designed to ingest both vegetables and meats. We have omnivorous teeth and intestines. I don’t want to fight my human biology despite the fact I know about diddly and shit about it.
7. Most vegetarians I’ve seen have a sickly pallor that is akin to jaundice. I already have olive toned skin, I don’t want to accentuate that. I’ll be able to wear even less colors and I hate shopping enough as it is.
6. All the best tortillas are made with lard. I wither and die without good tortillas. On a side note, refried beans truly should be fried again, in fat. That’s what makes them “re-fried”. True refried beans should never be compared with vegetarian or fat free refried beans. While those varieties can be tasty, they are completely different from the real deal.
5. PETA. Fuck PETA. Hypocritical bullshit. I love animals so much I want to hurt people over it. I want to tell your children that you’re no better than a murderer even though we kill thousands of animals every year. Get over yourselves fucktards. I quiver in annoyance of the thought that I may be somehow lumped into the same group as you.
4. It is really hard to get a full protein string when half of the traditional vegetarian foods make you violently ill. Without full protein strings your muscles turn to stringy nothings and break easily.
3. Eating at parties wouldn’t be any fun at all if all I could eat was the salad.
2. I don’t want to lower myself on the food chain. Humans climbed to the top after a long and arduous process. Why should I fight that? By lowering myself on the food chain, I am one step closer to becoming Soylent Green.
1. Bacon.

Posted by Utopia at June 27, 2006 12:55 PM

Comments

I disagree. I think Chickens are cute. I also think they taste good.

I'm such an avid meat eater I'd probably eat human if given the chance, just to see what it tastes like.

I also don't mind vegetarians...as long as they dont preach at me. I work with 2 girls who are totally non-meat eaters, but never once have they ever chided me for eating meat.

And youre top ten is right on the money.

Posted by: YummY! at June 27, 2006 02:36 PM

Killing a cow with a knife? Having severe deathwish aren't we? Also cows are harmless? Have you ever seen what that thing can do to a wooden gate when it wants to? You haven't? Good for you. I've seen a wild dog. One of thoser cuddly ones used by the police that are 4 ft tall and weigh 50 kg each. Not much left of the poor thing. :P I don't want to have to face a harmless cow with a knife... pitch-fork could be better.

Posted by: Brongar at June 27, 2006 06:25 PM

Proper slaughtering techniques dictate that you slash the throat of the beast you intend to kill, hence the knife.

Yes, I have seen cows walk through ences and such. But, so long as you don't spook the cows, they are docile, harmless, stupid creatures. I'm from the desert where there is even wild cow roaming the land. I know all about cow theory and psychology. Note the fact I said Cow (singular) and not cows plural. Cows plural can be a challnge as they are herding animals and have the pack mentality. But, killing a cow isn't really an issue. Same with goats, walk up behind it, insert knife to throat.

Hey, in New Mexico we did this when we had bon fires. Roasted goat is yummy.

Posted by: utopia at June 29, 2006 05:50 AM

I'm considering buying a bolt gun to ensure my continued supply of red meat.

Bacon rules, but sausage is almost equally important. Everyone seems to forget about sausage.

Without sausage, there'd be no sausage gravy.

Where would your chicken fried steak be then?

Posted by: Mango at June 29, 2006 12:16 PM

It should really be breakfast meats in general. Breakfast meats rule.

Posted by: Utopia at June 29, 2006 06:01 PM

After eating a pot roast skillet at Bob Evans, I'd be hard pressed to find a meat that WOULDN'T count as a breakfast meat.

Posted by: Mango at June 29, 2006 06:49 PM

I could never live without the yummy nummy taste of good rare BEEF! HELL I just posted a picture of my birthday steak which was TWO POUNDS of bloody sizzlin' Porterhouse! BEEF FOREVER!!

I went out witha vegan once. What a torrid relationship THAT was. She wouldn't even wear leather shoes, and I hate fake plastic ones. They seem to spell "cheap" to me.

If I could do it legally, I'd eat a vegan.

Posted by: Darkstar at July 3, 2006 03:47 PM

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