My favorite coffee beverage is a plain Café au Lait. That is basically half milk and half coffee. I don’t like mine with sugar. In fact, I don’t really like coffee with sugar. To make a good Café au Lait, you have to heat the milk to just below boiling before adding the coffee. At work I make Café au Lait by filling my Punk as Fuck mug half way with milk then microwaving it for a minute and a half. I stir my milk at about a minute then add another 30 seconds. When that is done, I add in whatever coffee happens to be lying about. For the most part, we have plain old Folgers.

Alright, that is a lie; we also have this “fancy” coffee dispensing machine that they fill with Starbucks coffee. I hate Starbucks coffee. They burn their bean which makes their coffee oily and acidic. There is no excuse for that shit. I know a lot of people really like Starbucks coffee. Blech.

Anyway, I was tweedling around the internet as I often do and I found a page that recommends coffee drinks based on your astrological sign. I found it amusing because it recommended that I drink Café au Lait because I am a Libra. I suppose that makes sense in the balancing act sort of way that we Libras are notorious for. I find it amusing that people would think that your birthday would determine what you drink. On the other hand, I found that I fell perfectly into what they recommended to me. It was a quandary.

So, here are Utopia’s recommendations for the signs:

Aries – You should wear leather. You should drink straight whiskey. You are fucking vicious. Grr and stuff.

Taurus – You should use Herbal Essence shampoo. You should eat chicken fried steak regularly, with a side of mashed potatoes. Bloody Homebodies.

Gemini – You should eat dessert first, preferably with sprinkles. Flannel sheets and buckwheat pillows should be used as your bedding. Or not. I’ll change my recommendation tomorrow for your change of mind.

Cancer – Listen to smooth jazz, but no soprano saxophone. You should read horror novels. You are one smooth bitch aren’t ya?

Leo – You should wear orange all the time. Bright, flamey orange. You should drive a VW bus. It should also be orange. Orange will make people look at you so they’ll all know they sexy, sexy thing that you are.

Virgo – You should play softball. You should watch inspirational foreign films about death. Now, isn’t that fun?

Libra – You (we) should use mechanical pencils with .5ml lead. You (we) should have a turtle as a pet. It’s zen damn it.

Scorpio – You should use cinnamon scented candles in your bathroom. You should cook with a wooden spatula. Burn baby burn.

Sagittarius – You should ear blue barrettes or a blue ball cap. You should use a double showerhead. It’s all sorts of luxurious and will make you’re a pretty, pretty princess.

Capricorn – You should grow violets. You should use Irish Springs soap. It’s fresh and delightful. Really.

Aquarius – You should wear hemp bracelets. You should get a cartilage piercing. It will make you hip and cool and in touch man.

Pisces – You should drink only skim milk. For breath freshening, you should use Altoids. They’re curiously strong.

Posted by Utopia at June 7, 2006 08:26 AM

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