In the Year 2050 I will turn 71 years old on 10-20. I have been thinking about what I want to be and have by the time that year rolls around. When I am sitting around bored, I often think about things like this. I pick a year at some random date in the future and think about what I will be in that year.

I like these sorts of though experiments. They amuse me. Especially these thought experiments where I am an old baba.

So, in the year 2050 I want three basic things:

1. To be old and crotchety. When you’re old, you’re allowed to be bitter and mean and people think it’s okay because you’re old. Being old earns you the right to be a grouch. I want to age quickly so I can really be my true crotchety cunt-like self and no one will mind. “Now Billy, be nice to the crazy lady, she’s old and deserves respect.” Fucking ageism.
2. I want to have crazy, frizzy-curly grey hair. I want my hair to be everywhere. I will embrace my jew-fro and let it go wild. When old and crotchety, you must have the “look” to go with it. I plan on being a cross between Einstein and Frankenstein when I am old and I must sport that look. I think I should start preparing now and stop taming the fro, but I am still too young to get away with it.
3. A shotgun. (Or whatever the shotgun equivalent is in 2050. If it involved lasers that would kick ass.) I want a shotgun so I can sit on my porch and yell at ornery kids. When old and crotchety, you have to yell at kids from your porch and make sure they feel a mixture of fear and pity for you. I can see it now, “Hey, you kids, back in my day you had to physically type entries into your blog, not just talk to your screen! We had to deal with slow broadband or cable and have cords connected to our computers that sat on our desks and not in our pockets. You little shits have it easy with your bio-computers.” I think the shotgun will be a wonderful accessory for my crazy grey jew-fro as well.

I wonder where technology will be in the year 2050. Will I be the typical old person who is unable to keep up with changes and do nothing but complain and whine about them? Or will I be that cool old lady who knows just as much as those young punks who wish to harass her for being old? I think with my shotgun equivalent it won’t matter so much.

Will we really have bio-computers in the year 2050? They already have a preliminary model of a screen that can be implanted into your arm, I figure it’s only a matter of time before they go for the whole burrito. I would love to see a Shadowrun like world grow around me. I would definitely be a cool old lady then. I’d get tattoos on my head that you could see beneath my wispy old lady hair. And I’d fight against “the Machine” and “the Man” with the powers of crotchety-ness and my shotgun equivalent. I’d be punk as fuck at 71. That would kick fucking ass.

So … here is a pointless solicitation for comments … what do you want in the year 2050?

There are people at work who brag about how little red meat they eat. It’s a topic of conversation at lunch at least once a week. Most of the time at lunch they talk about things I’m either uninterested in or can’t relate to: kids, home ownership, television, etc.

Anyway, the ladies were all bragging about how little meat they eat like this was some sort of status symbol of their yuppie-ness or something. You know times have changed when people brag about not eating meat. There was a time when eating meat meant you weren’t starving. There was a time when only peasants suffered through days without meat. Vegetarianism is a relatively new concept in the grand scheme of human history.

What does this mean? Is this non-meat eating trend some sort of soccer mom fashion statement? I don’t get it. What is so great about vegetarianism? I’m not against people who want to be vegetarian, but when did it become a status symbol and not a life choice? I know some people don’t eat meat for their own moral reasons. Or reasons of disgust and fear. They picture the animal they’re eating and it freaks them out that we would eat such a “cute” creature.

Screw that.

Have you ever seen a cow? Or a chicken? Not cute. These animals are so stupid that they deserve to be eaten. Seriously. Why lower yourself on the food chain to their level? Some people say, if aren’t willing to kill it yourself that you shouldn’t eat it. Once again, screw that. Hand me a knife and let me gut those things.

If you want to be a vegetarian go for it. More power to you. It’s just not for me. You can rant at me all you want, but I don’t care. I don’t feel pangs of karma for eating a nice juicy burger topped with bacon and cheese. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t eat meat every day. Sometimes I indulge in the vegetarian cuisine. I love falafel as much as the next woman, but every day? I think not. Variety is the spice of my life.

Top Ten Reasons I could never be a Vegetarian

10. Barbeque just wouldn’t be the same with veggie burgers and tofu. Neither would deep fat frying. Tofuky doesn’t cut it on Thanksgiving and it never will. (Yes, this is from personal experience. My aunt and uncle are vegetarian and so growing up for big family thanksgiving we have both vegetarian and non-vegetarian dishes.)
9. Cows are stupid. They stand there waiting for you to eat them. Evolution has not made them fast or given them sharp claws or teeth by which to fight back with. If a creature is so easily available to be eaten, we should eat it damn it.
8. The human body is designed to ingest both vegetables and meats. We have omnivorous teeth and intestines. I don’t want to fight my human biology despite the fact I know about diddly and shit about it.
7. Most vegetarians I’ve seen have a sickly pallor that is akin to jaundice. I already have olive toned skin, I don’t want to accentuate that. I’ll be able to wear even less colors and I hate shopping enough as it is.
6. All the best tortillas are made with lard. I wither and die without good tortillas. On a side note, refried beans truly should be fried again, in fat. That’s what makes them “re-fried”. True refried beans should never be compared with vegetarian or fat free refried beans. While those varieties can be tasty, they are completely different from the real deal.
5. PETA. Fuck PETA. Hypocritical bullshit. I love animals so much I want to hurt people over it. I want to tell your children that you’re no better than a murderer even though we kill thousands of animals every year. Get over yourselves fucktards. I quiver in annoyance of the thought that I may be somehow lumped into the same group as you.
4. It is really hard to get a full protein string when half of the traditional vegetarian foods make you violently ill. Without full protein strings your muscles turn to stringy nothings and break easily.
3. Eating at parties wouldn’t be any fun at all if all I could eat was the salad.
2. I don’t want to lower myself on the food chain. Humans climbed to the top after a long and arduous process. Why should I fight that? By lowering myself on the food chain, I am one step closer to becoming Soylent Green.
1. Bacon.

There is a device on the market called the Mosquito. It is designed to emit a high pitched frequency that only kids can hear. Apparently it’s based on the fact that adults lose their high pitched hearing registry after the age of 20 or so. Some shop owners use it to keep kids out of their stores because the squeal is highly annoying.

I can hear the high pitched squeal of the “Mosquito”. I was listening to the radio the other day and they were demonstrating the high pitched sound. It jabs like nails into my eardrums. I can’t even describe the pain and throbbing that the fucking thing sends into my brain. Those pesky scientists forgot to tell my ears to age normally or something. Or I don’t deafen myself like the average human. Who know, either way, it is incredibly unpleasant. And by unpleasant I mean excruciatingly annoying, painful and overall

The Cubicle ninjas have placed a similar device somewhere in my office. I know it.

I hear this high pitched humming coming from one of the cubicles around mine. I don’t know which one though. The high frequency buzzing is psychological warfare placed upon me by those damn cubicle ninjas. The others around me can’t hear it, but I know it’s there. It grates on my eardrums, slowly driving me into a psychosis. I think one of the cubicle ninjas sabotaged a laptop in one of the cubicles near mine; causing the irritating mosquito like buzzing to wail over the thin, grey walls.

This psychological warfare is soon going to get the best of me. So, for today, I retreat. I wish I could retreat to a place further than the confines of my headphones, but alas, it is impossible. So, I must show my resolve and combat this strong attack to do battle with the cubicle ninjas another day.

Well, we are in the Second Round now. Okay, not we as I’m not really a part of the World Cup, but the Second round is indeed taking place right now, as I type.

How did Utopia’s picks fair?

Well, I got several correct but there are some teams who really sucked it up in the prelims and some teams who truly kicked some amazing ass.

Ghana. Who saw this coming? Seriously. Ghana. What the fuck? To be honest, they’re good and deserved to move on. I was impressed by their play. I think if they could play Italy again, they’d win this time. They are definitely the underdog team of the Cup. It’s a lot of fun watching them play. Their keeper Kingston is fucking amazing. He has an incredible sense of space and knows when to be aggressive and when to take a step back. They said that the Czech had one of the best keepers in the Tournament, but I really think Ghana’s keeper has outshined just about any other I’ve seen play.

Speaking of goalkeeping … The US’s keeper is an asstard. He failed to work with his defense about half the time and that is where the majority of the scoring on him came from. The other half of the time, he did work with his defense. It was this inconsistence that really fucked us. In the game against Italy, the US showed some true valor on the field with their strong defensive play. The rest of the games, they fell apart. I think the major shortcoming of the US team was their lack of aggression and ability to drive the ball down the field. Playing aggressively doesn’t mean making dangerous plays and ramming your elbow into the gut of your opponent. It means moving forward and pressing the other team for possession of the ball. It’s sad that the US only played well when they were down to 9 men on the field.

Argentina still burns brightly. They triumphed over Mexico in their game 2-1. I haven’t watched this game yet, but it makes me happy just knowing the score. I’m pulling for Argentina this tournament much to the chagrin of my British office mate. Germany beat Sweden 2-0, so they will move on to play Argentina in the Quarter Finals. I think Argentina can take them. In my heart I believe that.

But, poor Ghana. They get to play Brazil in their next match. I really want to pull for them because they have played amazingly well this tournament and shown all around good play. Plus, I’ve never seen such a bunch of polite soccer players. This is a team that I really want to see move on. Unfortunately they are playing Brazil and Brazil is Brazil. They have a consistent high level of play and more experience in Cup matches in general. But, who know. Ghana beat the Czech to show the world one of the biggest upsets it’s seen. Maybe they can pull the same on Brazil.

England has made a good showing so far as well. But really, I don’t think they’ve been truly challenged yet this tournament. They’ve had a fairly easy draw. Maybe they’ll go all the way. They reek of desperation and desperation can pull you along in a pinch. However, it can also make you choke under pressure. We’ll see what happens with that.

In other sports news, apparently there were finals for some other sports. I can’t tell you how these finals turned out or even who was playing because I don’t give a fuck.

Ingredients:

4 medium sized Yukon Gold Potatoes, peeled and cubed
1/2 vidalia onion, diced
1 large leek, chopped
2 tablespoons Adagio Chamomile tea
3 strips of bacon
6-8 cups of water

1. Place yukon gold potatoes in a large pot and cover with water. Add 1 tablespoon of fresh Chamomile tea to the pot and bring it to a boil.

2. Let boil for 1 minute, then turn down the heat. Let potatoes and chamomile simmer until potatoes are tender.

3. While potatoes are boiling, cook bacon in a frying pan. When bacon cooked, remove the bacon from the pan, but leave the grease. Set bacon aside.

4. Add leeks and onion to the frying pan. Cook until caramelized to a golden brown.

5. Drain cooked potatoes and set aside.

6. Add caramelized onions and leek to the potatoes along with remaining bacon fat. Add 4 cups water to the pot and the remaining tablespoon of chamomile.

7. Cover pot and simmer on a low heat for about 20 minutes.

8. Remove pot from heat and blend contents either with a hand blender or add to a standing blender and blend on medium speed until smooth. Serve hot or cooled.

Serves 4 - 6 people

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For those of you who still read this blog, vote for my recipe starting on the 25th. You can vote at http://www.teachef.com. The soup is actually pretty tasty. I like potato soup in general.

For those of you who are vegetarian, you can modify the recipe to saute the onion and leek in olive oil instead of bacon fat. I prefer the bacon fat because it's fucking bacon and I love bacon. Yum.

Well, I am a loser. I am not the Shitty Blog Survivor. Oh well, I tried.

To be honest, it is sort of a relief. I realized how lazy I was and that following up on my bribe would be annoying. Now, the cookies would be easy, but making web/blog designs for all the judges would be a pain in my ass.

Of course, if aka_monty doesn’t follow through on her bribe, I’ll be the winner by default.

Webkittyn counted me off a point because she didn’t consider my husband a sex toy. And she didn’t like Buck either. I’m sure Buck is weeping now in chicken heaven along with it’s fetal offspring. Rissah thought I should win because she learned about lobster rubber bands. Monogodo thought I should win because I didn’t resort to playing my own mother. Those were pretty much the people who supported me … at least through email. Mango and Cris gave last minute shout outs to me. So, all of you who were amused by my sad, lazy attempts at winning, thanks.

I didn’t do bad for putting in as little effort as possible to get me through the competition. I think the main problem comes down to one thing.

I need more minions.

If I had more minions, I could get them to scrape and genuflect to jeckles for me. I’m not good at kissing ass. It goes against my feelings of hating people. Some days it’s hard enough to plaster my ‘work’ smile on my face.

So, here is the Utopia Minion Sign-up form.

Name: Pick out your special minion name. Everyone needs a special Minion name. Snake, Wolf and Hawkeye are already taken, as is Cupcake.

Minion Specialty: What is your specialty as a minion? Are you a 'yes' man? Are you a sneaky guileful person who will stuff ballot boxes for me? Do you have a cool eyepatch? What will you bring to the team of Utopia's Minions?

Qualifications: Have you worked as a minion before? What are your qualifications to be my minion?

If you want to prove that you’re my minion to others, you can have a button.

Now, don’t expect anything from me for being my minion. Utopia’s minions don’t get health coverage. You do get the added bonus of being automatically put on the “non-stupid person” list when I take over the world. By being on this list, it means that you won’t have to take the stupid person test and thus will avoid the chance of being taken behind the barn and shot in the head for being a complete moron. Of course, if you prove yourself stupid under Utopia’s regime, you will be taken behind the barn and shot in the head so your stupidity doesn’t infest the gene pool and corrupt my state of bliss. (Hey, if I’m ruling the world, you better fucking believe I’ll be in a state of bliss.)

Join now and become a minion. It’s an official one time offer.

Duct tape.

My carpooling compatriot went to Alaska last week. While there, he visited the city that buys the most duct tape in all the world.

Imagine that ….

Some shitty little town in Alaska that sells more duct tape than anywhere else in the world. Wow. Mind boggling.

The Wally World there sells the most duct tape in that town. They had a display of lots of duct tape in many colors. So, instead of posting one of the thousand beautiful pictures of Alaska, or the rams there, or the fuzzy bears, or the awesome moose, or the whales; I’m posting a picture of the duct tape.

I live vicariously through others who have more vacation time than I.

And so ... it began.

Utopia set out on a scavenger hunt adventure.

It began ...

... with a mug. A shitty mug. A shitty broken mug.

This mug was special to me, but alas, it arrived broken. So I got a new mug. This mug was better and much less broken and would hold beverage.

The mug down, I set off on my adventure into the great wild blue. Where, I found a chicken. it had just laid an egg. I named my chicken Buck. Buck seems like a good name for a egg laying chicken. Or Francis. Either way, it doesn't matter. I decided to eat both Buck/Francis and the yummy egg he/she laid for me.

Then I went into the yard and found this lovely work of art along with the remains of a downtrodden Squirrel. Squirrels are merry little creatures and it always makes me sad to see one fail in life. Or maybe win. Perhaps their ultimate goal is to be sent to the great Squirrel Summer Lands by the Truck wheel of death.

Seeing Road kill always makes me a bit randy, so I decided to get out my favorite sex toy. I call him Sparky. I wanted a ball gag, but I didn't have one, so I made one out of a golf ball. It worked like a fucking champ. Here is my favorite sex toy (or machine, whatever), a golf ball and a ball gag.

Feeling satisfied, I realized I was hungry. I always get hungry after sex. So I decided to go and get a sundae. I went to Sonic. They make small sundaes since I don't really like sweets, but I thought my sex toy did a good job, and he needed a treat as much as I did. Oooey, Gooey ... yum.

Still I was not satisfied, so I went to the store and perused the fruit section. There, I found mangoes. Mmm... Mango. There were many. They were ripe, they were to be mine. All mine!!

Did you know that people don't want American lobsters? While at the grocery store, I looked at the cute little lobsters. They tell you where they are from by the rubber bands on the claws.

I always thought the Canadians were trying to pull something on us... now they're doing it by forcing us to buy all their lobsters.

After the store, I decided to walk about the mall. Everyone knows that the mall is the best place to find stupid people. Stupid people go above and beyond the call of duty when helping others with scavenger hunts. Yep, I used them and I don't care. I am a cunt and I used people for my own selfish ends.

Right, As I was saying ... the mall. I went to the mall to find things on my list. In front of the mall, I found pigeons. To be honest, that's a lie. I had a picture of pigeons already. I recycle!

I even cropped out the garbage that was in the photo! Artsy and shit! Then, I went into the mall.

I *twitch* went into the Disney store *twitch twitch* and found a snow globe. It's actually a glitter globe. It has a little mermaid in it. I took one of the Toy Story globe, but that picture sucked. I wanted the Toy Story globe to torment KatKat. But, that picture was shitty, even shittier than my normally wretched pictures. So, here is an Ariel Snowglobe.

So, I continued to look around the mall. I found masks!

They are silly masks, but I like them. They are tribal-ee and shit. I'll bet they're mass produced in Korea and everything. Authentic!

The mall, I was beginning to feel woozy. But for the sake of adventure, I toughed it out. Finding refuge first in a book store. There was a remarkable absence of people there and for a moment, I realized Zen. While in my state of Nirvana, I thought I heard god. Then I realize that I just had to pee. I also sent my Sparky in to pee. He took this picture for me. Apparently Urinal cakes are becoming an endangered thing. He said you rarely see them in urinals anymore. That makes me a little sad, but then again, I don't pee standing up.

Still I pressed on, despite the hideous gaze of ultimate evil upon my very soul. I could feel it, penetrating me. The song shattered my very being. I walked into Claire’s and I heard the Siren of Evil ... Spears. I knew it had to be her. Bloody Bansidhe. But I got the treasure I went in for... the elusive Mood Ring.

Then I fled. My body could not withstand it any longer. My soul was rending itself apart. The mall was truly beginning to swallow me. So I ran. It was dark outside. I ran into a haven, a sanctuary. A Play It Again Sports. There, I found the Mask. The Hockey mask. A real one. Look upon it in all it's glory. Feel it's power. My Sparky held it on high and we let our souls become whole again, healed by it's warmth from the evil that was the Mall.

And so, that portion of the journey was done.

On the way home from the Mall I took McLendon Street. McLendon was the President of a small community college. Since I'm lazy and didn't want to drive downtown to find a Country president's name, I decided this would do. remember, least amount of work possible to get through this task. Just so you all know, I'm not trying at all because I don't really care. I did this all in a day ... zero effort and the power of stupid people. All I need is a whip and some limestone to make them drag. Call me Pharaoh bitch!

We decided to stop at the Dunkin Donuts. I found lovely Vanilla cream donuts that I brought home and fed to my Conch. I don't really like sweet things, but everything around me seems to enjoy them. Down here in the South, it seems that there is a great debate between donuts. Most people around here claim Krispey Kreme is better. I say they are retards. Dunkin' Donuts is by far the superior product. Not only are they open 24 hours a day, but they make cake donuts which are superior to the puffy donuts. Of course, even saying this around here is akin to heresy, but I will not back down. They can burn me like they burned Joan, but I will one day be sainted for my unyielding belief in the Dunkin Donuts. Four out of Five Conch Shells agree.

Since I didn't want a donut, I decided to make some toast. I do like toast. Upon getting my toast from the toaster, I noticed that I was given a message! There was some strange bitch on one piece of toast, but on the other piece of toast I found a holy message! Be Proud! Be Shitty! it said to me. Upon seeing that I knew I was blessed and had to further my pursuit!

With this bolstering of my spirit and the deadline fast approaching, I pressed on. My cat, seeing my distress, aided me with a lovely hairball.

I was almost done... almost. Then I remembered that on Sunday, during my radio show I made some Macaroni art! Winner!

In Arizona, the prisons have special pink undershirts and underwear supplied to them. They also make the inmates sleep in tents outside. They want jail to suck there. I miss Arizona. Fortunately, I remembered that I had one of those Pink Undershirts they give inmates. Will this count? Probably not, but fuck it, at least I tried.

A horse, a horse, my blogdom for a horse! My Sparky, once again rescues me and finds for me, a horse. Unlike some people, I live in a city, we don’t keep animals in the city. Fuck that shit.

Suddenly, I realized I had no dirty diapers, no 8-track tape and no man in a speedo or even a speedo without a man. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck! I am filled with rage and I must use the dark forces of nature and the loa to banish the evil that has done this to me. Yes jeckles, it is you. I command the loa to burninate you! Grr and stuff! I put hexes and voodoo on you. Evil eye! Evil eye!

Be Proud! Be Shitty!

Fuck this shit!

I was struck by something the Darkstar said in a comment to me yesterday. “women love shoes”.

I am really ambivalent toward shoes. They really aren’t a big thing to me. When meandering blogs, I’ve noticed there are a lot of women who are very into their shoes. Shoes in general just don’t do it for me. I don’t hate them, but I don’t go out of my way to look at shoes.

Most shoes I don’t like. I don’t like anything with a pointed toe. In fact, I won’t (and sort of can’t) wear anything with a pointed toe. I also have flat feet which makes most heels in general a bane to wear. I don’t really like “strappy” shoes. The only shoes I ever spent a long time trying to find the perfect pair of were my Soccer cleats. For my track spikes, I had a choice of one style due to the fact that I wear children shoe sizes in most sport shoes. Those wear a lovely white with bright orange and purple stripes. Eventually I traded up to a pair of black spikes that matched my uniform.

So, shoes aren’t my thing. I don’t like shopping for shoes and put it off for as long as possible. I don’t like shopping and put that off for as long as possible as well. If I had someone to supply me with a wardrobe and fashion, that would rule. My fashion sense is truly abysmal.

I know what I consider cool shoes. These:

Yes, that is a pair of leather, Converse boots with the Batman logo on them. Batman kicks ass. Batman even makes Converse cooler.

So, my anniversary is on Wednesday/Thursday. Our anniversary is the Summer Solstice, but that day wobbles from year to year and technically our wedding was on the 22nd of June. So, I was looking for gifts for my husband. Unlike many female bloggers on the web, I have nothing ill to say about my husband. I married him not only because I love him, but also because I like him. It may sound hokey, but he is my best friend. He is probably one of four people that I don’t hate in the world. (I’m not lying when I say I hate people.)

Enough corniness. You shan’t hear it again. I promise. It makes me twitch just writing such romantic things. Definitely not in my nature.

Anyway, I was looking for gifts for him. I thought it would be amusing to send him flowers. So, I looked around different local florist pages looking for a bouquet to send to him. Now, I hate flowers as a gift. I find them corny and pointless. Now, I am even more against them.

Flowers are insanely expensive. They wanted on average $100 for a dozen roses. What the fuck? What sort of chump pays $100 for a gift that will wither and die? Are you men fucking retarded? Seriously? Women out there … I should smack you for wanting such gifts.

Flowers are not especially romantic. To me it is a gift that says: “Hey honey, I don’t really know much about you, so here’s an easy gift that I didn’t have to think about and will die in a week. I hope the empty vase and dead flowers will remind you how much I love you in the future.”

Fucking Christ in mint jelly. I can think of a million things that $100 is better spent on. Something that will last. Something with a bit of thought behind it. Anything is better than blowing $100+ on a bouquet of flowers that will simply be thrown into the garbage in a week. So men (and you shallow women out there), here are some gifts that are better than flowers.

1. A movie. Go out and buy one of you sweetheart’s favorite movies for them.
2. Music. A CD, a concert, a fucking mixed tape. This is something that will last.
3. Clothes. A nice sweater or a shirt is always nice. Or a Tee with an amusing, but relevant phrase on it. Avoid pants. It’s is always embarrassing when you under or over estimate size.
4. A hammer. A hammer is at least useful. Think of all the things you can do with a hammer. Compare that with all the things you can do with a flower. This renders the hammer fucking superior.
5. Sex. Hey, it’s free and infinitely more satisfying to both parties than a bunch of rotting plants.
6. For the geek – a new bit of gadgetry awesome. It’s best if it has purple LEDs and black metallic features. That way it looks future-ee as well as being a bit of gadgetry awesome.
7. For the art nerd – an assortment of art supplies in your significant other’s favorite color. A tube of paint, a pencil, a marker, paper.
8. For the gamer – a retro game pack. Go and dig out a jaguar or something. Maybe a Sega CD. Find a game for it, play late into the night while drinking Mountain Dew and eating Doritos.
9. For the science dork – a telescope. Use the vast sky as your romantic serenade.
10. Tupperware. They say diamonds are forever, but fucking Tupperware will survive the bloody apocalypse.
11. Dance Lessons. This is cooler than it sounds. You two go together and spend time together and think about each other on more than just the one day that has been deemed “special” for no other reason than the fact that the two of you signed a bit of paper on that day and had someone you didn’t know say some words for you. Learning to move together is a great gift.
12. A monkey. It may fling poo and carry disease, but it is sure to cause crazy hi-jinks just like in the sitcoms. And afterwards, instead of an empty vase, you can have a crazy inside joke to drive all of your friends mad.

This is Utopia’s normal hate level:

null |------------------------------o-----------------------------------------------| psychosis

This is Utopia’s current hate level:

null |----------------------------------------------------------------------------o-| psychosis

Note the fact that I am very near the breaking point of full blown homicidal psychosis. Do not fuck with Utopia when she is full of hate. Do not accuse her of yelling at you when she is full of hate. If Utopia yells at you, you’ll fucking know it.

She apparently also speaks of herself in the third person when she approaches the end of the line. Perhaps this is because she wishes to disassociate from herself and not kill people. Or stab them in the eye. Yes, eye-stabbing would be particularly satisfying right now.

Do not fuck with Utopia. She’s not in the fucking mood bitch.

A while back, Yummy! posted some things that make you a southerner. Well, I’m not a southerner, but I do live down here. To be honest, I’m not the biggest fan of the southeast. For one, it’s too god damned humid. It’s like breathing fucking water, I hate it. Second, people rarely say what they mean and it is common for people to talk behind you back. They will never tell you to your face if they are annoyed and what you can do to change.

But, that is neither here nor there.

I am a desert person. I admit it. I get cold when the temperature drops to 60°F yet I have no problems when the thermometer rises to the point when it can’t really tell you how warm it is … so long as it’s a dry heat. So, here is a list of things that my fellow desert compatriots will understand.

- You know that there are several different kinds of cactus and not all of them have thorns.
- You know what plant makes tumbleweeds and they grow in your yard.
- You know that Coyotes are not majestic creatures, but rather scraggly, scrawny varmints who raid your trash can.
- You know that a javelina and a peccary are the same animal, but they are not the same as a wild pig. (You also know that javelina is pronounced Ha-Vey-Lee-Nah and not like a pointed throwing apparatus used in the Olympics.)
- You know that jalapenos are not spicy peppers, they are for flavor.
- A large body of water is anything you can’t throw a stone across.
- You know what a tarantula crossing is.
- You know not to touch the armadillo because if you do your hand might really, eventually rot off.
- You know that just because the rain only lasted for 20 minutes, it doesn’t mean that you didn’t get three inches.
- You know that just because it is 100 degrees during the day, it doesn’t mean that you don’t need a light jacket for the evening.
- You know the difference between an aloe plant, an agave plant and a yucca plant on sight. You also know what they all can be used for.
- You laugh at people who build wood houses.
- You know the difference between a hare, a jackrabbit and a bunny.
- You can walk into a McDonalds and get green chili on your burger if you want it.
- You know the difference between chili and “Texas chili” and that at restaurants you have to specify which you mean.
- You know that anything can be eaten inside of a tortilla because that is truly the most portable of food.
- You know that you don’t go outside without wearing shoes if you value your feet.
- You know that a pink, light purple, light blue and turquoise motif is an affront to the term “Southwest”.
- You don’t have “outside” cats unless you want to serve up a nice buffet for the local wildlife.
- You know that enchiladas can be served with an egg on top if you request it. You also know what it means when they ask “Red or green?” .
- You know that you shouldn’t walk too close to the cholla because they “jump” at you and then you will instantly have thorns everywhere, most of which you can’t even see.
- You’ve put deep thought into what kind of tortillas you prefer. Corn or flour? Thick or Thin? Large or small?
- Instead of hash browns, you often ask for a side of pinto beans with your breakfast and the waitress smiles at you.
- You know not to drive when it rains or snows because the roads become a deathtrap due to the fact that everyone suddenly forgets how to drive.
- Most of the people you know have tiled floors, but you know almost no one with wood floors.
- You know a sopapilla can be a dessert or a meal depending on what you serve on it.
- You’ve been across the border just to get cheap drinks.
- You know that tequila doesn’t come with a worm, mescal does.

I think Optimus Prime would make a fabulous President. We could have him run with Katie Couric and they would become an unstoppable world force.

Let me Justify:

1. Optimus Prime rose from the dead to put everything right.
2. In thirty minutes, both Katie and Optimus finish everything they have to say for the day and all is well.
3. You can’t help but look at them and think everything is good in the world.
4. Optimus Prime battles and defeats the Decepticons on a regular basis and Megatron can turn into a fucking gun. He ought to have no problem winning a war should it come down to that. Katie can cover the media to keep a pleasant spin on things.
5. The Japanese would love us.
6. I think Optimus Prime would make it his life’s mission to eradicate the cubicle ninjas as they must be the bane of every hardworking citizens life. Katie would agree as I’m sure she has faced many duels with the dreaded foe.
7. Optimus Prime has morals. Katie may have morals, but that is inconsequential. She is America’s sweetheart.
8. People go to the bat for both Optimus and Katie on message boards around the world. if ever there was a grassroots campaign, they would lead it.
9. There is more than meets the eye.

I think Optimus Prime would make a much better president than General Zod. While General Zod does have the advantage of phenomenal cosmic powers, he can transform into a semi. Anything that transforms is instantly cooler than x-ray vision. Of course, General Zod does have laser beams that shoot from his fucking eyes. And General Zod does have that whole egomaniacal outlook on life that would eventually send us spiraling into a totalitarian state and where would the change be?

So, spread the word. This is a grassroots campaign to end all grassroot campaigns.

Optimus and Katie in 2008!

This morning on my way to work, I was channel flipping as I tend to do when a report comes onto NPR that completely and totally loses my interest. Anyway, I was flipping and suddenly I heard it…

The Shutter Time porn music background.

I laughed aloud. I did not expect to hear porn music, let alone the Shutter fabulous porn music so early in the morning. The dj’s were talking about gadgets and such, but I only listened because of the Shutter music.

Hail Shutter and Jeckles for giving me something to giggle about in the morning before work. I thought it would make the rest of the day bearable. Instead, it just reminded me how much I want to stab people in the eye. The first thing I get when I sit down at my desk is a string of emails whose sole purpose is to drive the will to live right out of me.

Damn you cubicle ninjas … damn you. You planted the happy porn music just to make me see the stark contrast and remind me how grey everything here is. Then you planted the seeds of laziness in the people who were supposed to be doing work for me today. They want to put it off because it’s “too hard”. Well, cubicle ninjas, I will thwart you yet!

I will go to the break room and ingest my elixir of life and find myself rejuvenated to battle. I will eat my corn muffin and laugh in your general direction. I will shake my fist at you with my mighty rage. Cubicle ninjas, you will not prevail. I don’t care what you have brainwashed the other to say about me “behind” my back. I am not deaf and I do hear and I will not crumble to your will.

To you I say, bring it bitch. Bring it!

I will defeat you with Shutter porn music and my pirate fu. I will ram the fist of productivity so far up your ass, you’ll taste it.

Well, the US is currently in the process of being completely and totally crushed by the Czech Republic. I think the score was 3-0 last time I checked. Wretched. Simply Wretched. I knew that they wouldn’t really be able to hold their own according to the FIFA ranking, but I didn’t expect them to allow such a gap in the score. I’m glad I’m not watching the game and can only see updates on the web. I’m a little bit scared to see the game knowing the score, but I’ll watch it anyway. A long time ago, politicians would often refer to the sport of soccer as a “communist” or “socialist” sport. I think they did this to hide their shame from the fact that we were regularly crushed by everyone else in the world in the sport. Sadly, some people in the US still consider it a “socialist/communist” sport. To you I say: Sit on my fist and rotate bitches, fun stops at the elbow.

I haven’t watched any of the games yet, but I’ve seen the highlights on the BBC and some of the other soccer junkie pages. The big surprise was the Sweden v Trinidad and Tobago game. I was shocked that the small underdog of underdog teams managed to pull off a draw. Holy shit on a swizzle stick! I would have pegged Sweden to hand them a polite, but firm loss. I was infinitely impressed. Maybe Sweden was having an off day, of maybe T&T are just pumped full of adrenaline and fairy dust. Who knows. Either way, this is like an upset for Sweden and I’m reveling in it. All underdogs know how to take the small victories. Trinidad and Tobago, I salute thee!

Then we get to the English team. Britain. If I had one word to sum up their play (from what I’ve seen) it would be: desperate. These blokes are desperate to win. While they managed the 1-0 over Paraguay, it was sad. You could see the sheer desperate fear driving them in the game and it made them sloppy. I watched what might be considered highlights of the game, but even the highlights were dull. The English went out in the first 5 minutes and scored, then the rest of the game sort of just fell flat. But, that is what desperate play gets you.

Australia handed Japan a loss. This is unsurprising and expected. For all the love the Japanese have for the sport and sport in general, I don’t think this is their year. For the most part, the rest of the games were expected, but well played. I want to see the Mexico v Iran game in total along with the Sweden game and the US game. However, I need to find hinky jinky copies to watch them.

I also want to see the Italians play. Maybe the US can beat them and squeak into the next round with the Czech. Tomorrow, Brazil plays Croatia. That game will be beautiful. I can already see the art on the field. It’s another one I want to find and watch in total, hopefully I’ll be able to find it.

Dear Kevin Smith,

I heard this rumor that you're making a Clerks 2.

Somehow, I can't tell if this movie is a joke or not. I am going to guess that it's not. But why Mr.Smith? Why I ask, I beg you to explain it to me. Why must you move our beloved Randal and Dante into a burger joint? How can you make "Chicks with Dicks" jokes if there is no video store? Sure it is Mooby and Mooby is amusing, but going from gas station clerk to Mooby burger jockey? Really now, Dante isn't quite that pathetic. Besides, it's much, much harder to fuck off in a fast food joint. They do expect you to actually work there. I can't see Randal adjusting to such a stringent environment.

I say leave them be. Bring in Leonardo Leonardo from the cartoons because I could really see some uptight prick pulling the true voice of rage, angst and spite out of our intrepid heroes (or slackers, whatever). "Well played clerks, well played."

Some things are just not meant to be. Use that creative noodle of yours. Expand, grow ... don't put poor Dante and Randal in yellow and purple uniforms. Those colors suit no one. Ever. Green polyester is the way to go. I know it's too late to beg and plead. But somehow, in the back of my head, I still pray that this is just some harsh joke you're playing on all of us.

At least film it in fucking black and white.

And make sure there is a joke about that chick who fucked a dead guy.

Weeping quietly in a corner,
Utopia

Back in college I was The Queen of the Sparkle Bunnies. This was my pseudonym for the school newspaper. In the school newspaper, I wrote the horoscope column. It was a fun thing to do and I got paid to do it. (Not a lot, but enough to keep me in ramen and vodka for a week or two.) Every now and again, I get on these kicks where I want to start doing them again. The other day I wrote up some completely nonsensical things for the signs and found that I hit the mark on some of them. That creeped me out a little bit. Back in college when I wrote the horoscopes I also managed to hit the mark more often than not.

One of my other hobbies is tarot cards. Yep, I read tarot cards for people as a hobby. I had a deck that worked very well with me. It was called “The Pages of Shustah”. It was a really nice deck based on color and symbols much more so than normal tarot cards. When I used that deck I almost always gave accurate readings. Before I moved out here to Atlanta, my dog ate that deck. I took it as a sign that it was time for me to move on to a new deck.

I still haven’t found a new deck. It’s also true that I haven’t been looking very hard for a new one. I was actually thinking about designing my own. Instead of four suits and the Major Arcana, it would have six suits: Water, Air, Fire, Earth, Chaos and Order. I would also add in the Major Arcana, but perhaps I would expand it a bit. It would be a rather large deck. About 100 cards. but who knows, this project may fall by the wayside just like my others.

I’ve been in the mood to do tarot readings again. I didn’t think that would happen.

Well, my husband went out in search of a bum for me. He went out to a place called Little Five Points. Little Five points is a place where bum and hippies alike gather to mingle and laze the day away.

he gave a bum $5 and my sign. Then took a "picture".

Upon getting home he realized that he had the camera set to video rather than photographs. So instead of a picture, I got a five second video clip of said bum. There are actually two bums! So, not only do you get two bums, you also get video.

This is a clip from the video. I will try to find some place to store the video when I get home, but until then, enjoy the very shitty picture. I swear that really is my sign. You can't read it, but it does say Be Proud! Be Shitty! Abstract Utopia. It is in a nice Star War-esque font and everything.

Hrmm... I will try to get the video up somewhere and get a link to it. We shall see what happens.

My favorite coffee beverage is a plain Café au Lait. That is basically half milk and half coffee. I don’t like mine with sugar. In fact, I don’t really like coffee with sugar. To make a good Café au Lait, you have to heat the milk to just below boiling before adding the coffee. At work I make Café au Lait by filling my Punk as Fuck mug half way with milk then microwaving it for a minute and a half. I stir my milk at about a minute then add another 30 seconds. When that is done, I add in whatever coffee happens to be lying about. For the most part, we have plain old Folgers.

Alright, that is a lie; we also have this “fancy” coffee dispensing machine that they fill with Starbucks coffee. I hate Starbucks coffee. They burn their bean which makes their coffee oily and acidic. There is no excuse for that shit. I know a lot of people really like Starbucks coffee. Blech.

Anyway, I was tweedling around the internet as I often do and I found a page that recommends coffee drinks based on your astrological sign. I found it amusing because it recommended that I drink Café au Lait because I am a Libra. I suppose that makes sense in the balancing act sort of way that we Libras are notorious for. I find it amusing that people would think that your birthday would determine what you drink. On the other hand, I found that I fell perfectly into what they recommended to me. It was a quandary.

So, here are Utopia’s recommendations for the signs:

Aries – You should wear leather. You should drink straight whiskey. You are fucking vicious. Grr and stuff.

Taurus – You should use Herbal Essence shampoo. You should eat chicken fried steak regularly, with a side of mashed potatoes. Bloody Homebodies.

Gemini – You should eat dessert first, preferably with sprinkles. Flannel sheets and buckwheat pillows should be used as your bedding. Or not. I’ll change my recommendation tomorrow for your change of mind.

Cancer – Listen to smooth jazz, but no soprano saxophone. You should read horror novels. You are one smooth bitch aren’t ya?

Leo – You should wear orange all the time. Bright, flamey orange. You should drive a VW bus. It should also be orange. Orange will make people look at you so they’ll all know they sexy, sexy thing that you are.

Virgo – You should play softball. You should watch inspirational foreign films about death. Now, isn’t that fun?

Libra – You (we) should use mechanical pencils with .5ml lead. You (we) should have a turtle as a pet. It’s zen damn it.

Scorpio – You should use cinnamon scented candles in your bathroom. You should cook with a wooden spatula. Burn baby burn.

Sagittarius – You should ear blue barrettes or a blue ball cap. You should use a double showerhead. It’s all sorts of luxurious and will make you’re a pretty, pretty princess.

Capricorn – You should grow violets. You should use Irish Springs soap. It’s fresh and delightful. Really.

Aquarius – You should wear hemp bracelets. You should get a cartilage piercing. It will make you hip and cool and in touch man.

Pisces – You should drink only skim milk. For breath freshening, you should use Altoids. They’re curiously strong.

For the first time in ages, I found myself in the chemistry lab actually doing chemistry. I haven’t done solution preparation since I was in my second year of college (that was like 1999). So, being back in the lab, I found myself lacking confidence. Of course, I quickly regained it as it was basically just cooking, except with chemicals.

But, that is not what I wanted to write about.

I wanted to write about my Lab Notebook. It has very nice paper. Ink flows onto it smoothly. It has a rather nice feeling to write stuff in the book. While it is nothing exciting that is going into the book, it still feels good to write in it. It feels productive. I don’t often get to feel truly productive. Most things I do involve sitting behind the computer crunching numbers or running endless tests on my machines to get the numbers that I need to crunch. However, when I write things down in my Lab Notebooks, I really feel like I have something to show for my work. I know that all the work I do is about the same and really, what I’m writing in my Lab Notebooks is more or less trivial (lot numbers, serial numbers and formulations mostly) but it feels like it isn’t.

Lab Notebooks are all assigned a number and when they are filled, they are placed in the vault so everything that is done can be traced back to the notebook. This is to keep the FDA and other inspection agencies happy. In 50 years, the only real thing left that will have said that I was here will be those Lab Notebooks. The information stored on the company system will likely be gone and disappeared into the Ether, but those Lab Notebooks will be there, sitting in that vault as a reminder that work was done, trivial as it may be.

Lately I have been having a terrible time with names. I have been forgetting names left an right of late and it’s infuriating. I never used to forget names like that. For the most part, I have a fairly decent memory and I’ve always been good with names and faces. Lately I’ve either had my head up my ass or I’ve had some sort of mutant earwig implanted into my brain Star Trek style. Either way, I can’t seem to think straight. I hate that.

God damn brain earwigs. I think it’s the next plot hatched upon me by the cubicle ninjas.

I have been skipping lunch a lot because of work and drinking a V8 and noshing on yogurt just isn’t cutting it. The cubicle ninjas have spiked everyone’s coffee with stupid pills making it impossible for them to do any work. This leaves only me to fill in and do said work. I don’t know. I’ve also been irritable and bitchy. Though, that isn’t really a change. I hate people so being irritable when they insist on talking to me is to be expected. I think there are several people here who are in league with the cubicle ninjas.

I just need to figure out how the damn cubicle ninjas gave me the brain earwigs that are making me forget people’s names.

World Cup opens next Friday. The wagers have been placed at work and now we wait with baited breath.

I'm all tingly inside waiting for this. There are a few matches i relaly want to see. I know I'm going to have to do some slightly illegal things to see them. I am a pirate after all. An evil pirate. With teeth. Sharp, pointy teeth and claws. And hate. i'm full of hate.

Wait, I lost track of myself there for a moment.

My point is ... one week 'til the World fucking Cup!!!