Sometimes I hear people talking about me behind my back. I have rather good hearing, though I can block things out. I know I am not the most expressive person in the world. To be frank, I feel ill at ease around most people. I often feel like I am separate from them, looking on from the fringe. Smiling when I should smile, nodding when I should nod.

So, I heard people talking about me behind my back. They didn’t say anything I didn’t already know about myself. They said I was cold. They said I was expressionless. They said I was something like a Noh Actor.

Often times I feel like a Noh Actor; safe behind my mask of stoicism. I don’t cry in front of people. I don’t yell in front of people. I rarely tell anyone how I feel. I don’t betray either sadness or happiness to them. I don’t betray the uncertainty I often feel. I think it is my own pride that makes me put up this mask. I am fairly certain that it is.

I use my pride to hide away all of my weaknesses, my flaws. So, I wear my unexpressive mask and people think I am strong. Noh masks are fragile porcelain. My mask keeps people away. I think in the end I want to keep people away from me. I want to be some strange untouchable thing.

I know I seem cold. I know I seem arrogant. I know I seem strong and balanced and sure.

I also know I am a coward.

I’m not ashamed of that.

Behind my mask I can weep.

Posted by Utopia at May 18, 2006 07:58 AM

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