I know I rant often about Roe v Wade and the rights associated with it. I have been keeping tabs on the situation in South Dakota as I’m sure people on “both sides” of the argument have been. I was reading through some interview material with the people who were pushing for the law, primarily Bill Napoli. He was asked under what circumstances an abortion should be allowed and this was his answer:

BILL NAPOLI: A real-life description to me would be a rape victim, brutally raped, savaged. The girl was a virgin. She was religious. She planned on saving her virginity until she was married. She was brutalized and raped, sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it, and is impregnated. I mean, that girl could be so messed up, physically and psychologically, that carrying that child could very well threaten her life.

This of course was his only answer. He didn’t even think that when a woman’s life was in danger that it was acceptable. I was shocked when I read this. Does Mr. Napoli think that women who aren’t religious hurt less when they’re raped? Does he think that married deflowered women can’t be brutalized so thoroughly in a rape that they can’t be “so messed up, physically and psychologically, that carrying that child could very well threaten her life”? I don’t understand the logic behind this statement. It’s like saying some rape is worse than other rape. I think many rape victims and survivors would disagree with Mr. Napoli’s assessment of a psychologically and physically scarring sexual attack.

It also leaves many questions hanging out there. How could a woman prove that she was a virgin before the rape? How could she prove that she was religious? What religion would she have to prove herself to be? How could she prove that she was saving herself for marriage? What if a mentally strong and stable woman was raped in this manner? The questions go on and on. Don’t even get me started on the cases of forced incest.

I thought I would get into the religious aspects of abortion for a little bit. I don’t do this often, but many people use religion as the basis for their decision on this subject. The Roman Catholic Church used to teach that a soul did not enter a fetus until a woman could feel the movement in her belly. This generally happens at about 16 weeks (during the second trimester). A woman was allowed to terminate her pregnancy before the quickening of the soul to the womb. In 1869, the Church changed it’s stance on this matter. It is theorized that the Church changed its position due to the fact that Napoleon asked them to because of the dropping birth rate within his country. The Church needed a strong European ally at the time and so they struck a bargain. I do not know the truth of the situation, but it is recorded that in 1869, the Church did change its position on the matter of termination of pregnancy. From 1869 forward, the Church proclaimed that life begins when an egg is fertilized^*.

But, we should not forget some of the other major world religions. In Judaism, abortion is not considered murder, though considered morally reprehensible. A baby only has right as a living entity when a majority of its body has left the womb. In fact, the bible says in Exodus 21:22-21:25 (taken from the WEB bible, though the quotes in many translations are all equivalent);

“If men fight and hurt a pregnant woman so that she gives birth prematurely, and yet no harm follows, he shall be surely fined as much as the woman's husband demands and the judges allow. But if any harm follows, then you must take life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burning for burning, wound for wound, and bruise for bruise”

This shows that even the bible does not consider a fetus to be a person and the killing of a fetus is not murder. Often, other quotes from the bible are taken out of context to justify the religious perceptions on abortion.

In Islam, a soul is said to enter the womb at 120 days. While it considers abortion to be a sin, it is considered a greater sin to terminate a pregnancy after these 120 days. However, it does state that abortions can be allowed to safe the life and protect the health of the woman in question. There are also other limited situations in which an abortion is permitted. Hinduism also views abortion as wrong, but like many other religions, it permits it in the case of the woman’s health. The same is true for the Greek and Russian Orthodox Churches. The Church of England considers that abortion is sometimes a “necessary evil” as does Liberal and Reform Judaism. Some religions, like Buddhism, Sikhism, and Quakers, have no written law on the matter and the decision is often left up to the culture or the interpretation of the individuals and community to do the “right” thing.

Not all people who are religious think that abortion should be illegal. There are organizations like Catholics for Choice and The Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice that actively support the right to choose and seek to end the negative attitudes toward the procedure. As a whole, religion does not preclude people’s views. People of all religions and cultural backgrounds have abortions. Statistics show that people of all religions have abortions and that the number that takes place is not related to the countries law or cultural and religious views.

26% of the world’s population lives in countries where abortion is illegal. Yet, abortions still take place in these countries. Nearly 4 million abortions take place a year in the Latin American countries despite the fact that it is illegal in many of them. Most of these women travel to the countries where it is legal to have the procedure performed or have illegal abortions. This is highlighted by the fact that approximately 6,000 women travel from Ireland to Britain each year to have the procedure performed. Despite the illegality of abortion in many countries, abortions still take place. About 70,000 women die every year from illegal procedures**. These statistics shows that making abortion illegal does not prevent it; it only removes facilities where sanitary and safe procedures can take place. These statistics are preached again and again so perhaps they have become watered down with use.

Now, I think abortion is a serious decision and not to be taken lightly. However, in America, sex is considered a near taboo subject. It is the source of embarrassment and squeamishness. Because of this, many people do not receive preventative sexual education. In countries where sexual education is thorough and open, abortion rates are lower. This may be due to the fact that people are more open about sex and contraceptives.

Sex happens.

It is better to be educated about it than to be ignorant. I am 100% for dropping the abortion rates in all countries, but I do not think this can be achieved through illegalization of the procedure. After all, shit happens. There are steps that can be taken; however, many cultures make this difficult.

I think a wide variety of contraceptives should be free and available to anyone who wishes them. In the long run, this would save “the system” money with its preventative care. It would encourage responsibility by decreasing the embarrassment of procuring such items.

I think sexual education should talk about sex in an open and frank fashion rather than through “scare” tactics and abstinence education to keep people away from it. Like I said before: sex happens. Teaching abstinence as the only form of birth control is foolish. People have had sex since there were people. People will continue to have sex. By teaching abstinence only education and instilling fear about sex, you predispose children/teenagers/people to hide their activities. By hiding the activities, they are less likely to act responsibly and seek contraceptives.

I think more work should be done to work toward a “male pill”. Conversely, I think the female condom should become more readily available. Both sexes should take responsibility for contraceptives and for sex. Currently there is quite a bit of work being done on this. Right now two forms are being tested: implant and injection. According to this article by the BBC, full fertility will be restored in an average of three to four months after men stop their hormone treatment. If more is done to promote birth control and the proper use there of, I truly believe that the abortion rate will decline. If both men and women can be responsible for birth control, I think they should also both be active in the abortion choice.

There is a large debate right now about that very issue. Truly, I think people are grasping onto it like it’s a life preserver when it’s not really. Do men have rights over the women’s body? I should hope not. (A man would not have rights over another man’s body would they?) Do they have rights over what is growing inside of a woman’s body? I don’t know, but it has the potential to be a slippery slope that could lead us backwards. It takes responsibility away from the woman, yet, at the same time is takes responsibility away from the man as well. There was a time when a woman only had rights through a man: her husband or her father. We fought long and hard for suffrage. We fought long and hard for equality in the work place. (Well, we’re still working for equality in the workplace to be completely honest.) Now, we want a woman to only have rights through or in conjunction with her partner? I’m not saying that a man doesn’t have any rights as a father, but, this one “baby step” could be the first in a long series of steps that could lead woman back into subservience. I think this issue should be looked at for the extreme cases before the mild ones. Cases of abusive husbands and partners, cases of incest, cases of rape … would you want those men to have rights over the womb?

I wonder if that remark makes me a feminist. I don’t like to think of myself as one, but even I can see that there are many things in which men still want to lord their opinions over women and their rights. It is true I get paid less for my work because I am a woman. In college I was actually called a “bad woman and wife” because I didn’t vote the same way as my husband. It left me in shock that someone would truly and honestly believe that. I am a “bad woman” for having an opinion that is unique from my husband? I am a “bad wife” because I don’t let my husband tell me how to exercise my right within the voting booth? I didn’t even know how to respond to that statement. It left me totally and completely speechless. If we give into those kinds of feelings, soon, we may as well lose our right to vote and be equals. Our rights have to start with our body, if we can’t even protect the one thing that is uniquely ours, then what do we have left?

I have diverted from my original intent with this long winded article and I know it. To be truthful, I don’t know where I stand on the idea of a man having right to a woman’s body and more specifically the fetus growing inside said woman’s body. I think it is okay that I don’t know; at least for now.

The whole topic of abortion has always been a sticky one and I am fairly sure that it will continue to be one for some time. On the broad issue, I do know where I stand and I think that is the important part. In my mind, it doesn’t matter what other people think about the matter until how they act on the matter starts to infringe on the rights of others. Belief is a powerful thing and changing the beliefs of others is not something that anyone should force. To make someone truly believe, they must come to conclusions on their own. So, for now, things remain on the precarious balance. Unfortunately, due to people like Mr. Napoli, the balance seems to be starting to skew.

I’ve been bad about writing lately. I have several entries that are thought provoking and awesome written up. However, I don’t feel like posting anything thought provoking or awesome. Maybe later.

Instead, I bring you a random list about nothing in particular.

• I eat grapefruits like oranges.
• I hate when I have nothing to do at work.
• I have a sore throat, but lemon tea helps greatly.
• My husband locked himself out of the house and broke in through a window using his stealthy ninja-pirate skills.
• I like cheese.
• I miss anti-[everything] and his punk show. My punk collection is sorely lacking and it makes me sad.
• If I was a fruit, I think I would be a bosc pear.
• Lists anger me, yet I feel compelled to write them on my blog.
• Manischewitz makes an awesome falafel mix.
• I am a slack ass monkey who hasn’t started writing code for YummY!’s new blog because I suck like a anteater addicted to cocaine.
• I have a work potluck lunch on Monday and I’m going to make wacky May Day/Beltain food.
• I hope I manage to secure tickets to the Antique’s Road Show in Mobile.
• It’s raining outside.
• I like peanut butter and jelly on my omelets. Asking for this in Waffle House will get you thrown out and have the waitress scream profanity at you. I learned that from my husband.
• Bagels. MMM…. bagels.

Yes, the picture is very shitty. I apologize. The lighting was for shit in my room.

I'll give a run down from the bottom up.

1. 1 pair plain white socks
2. 1 pair "frog prince" tennis socks
3. 1 pair stripped socks with lots of yellow
4. 1 pair stripped socks lots of white
5. 1 pair argyle sock ... blue (i think) and yellow
6. 1 pair nude nylons
7. 1 pair blue BDU's (my husband')
8. 1 pair blue BDU's (mine)
9. 1 black skirt
10. 1 pair skimpy grey sweat pants
11. 1 pair of blue running pants with white racing stripes
12. Purple Powerpuff Girl sleeping shorts
13. Small blue running shorts with white stripes
14. 1 pair plain black cotton undies
15. 1 pair plain pink cotton undies
16. 1pair grey boy cut cotton undies
17. 1 pink cotton bikini cut undies
18. 1 white and pink cotton thong
19. 1 plain white bra
20. 1 peach(?) sports bra
21. 1 black sport's bra with white racing stripes (it makes me speedy damn it)
22. 1 white camisol top
23. 1 red ribbed tank top
24. 1 orange wife beater tank top
25. 1 yellow tank top
26. 1 mickey mouse t-shirt
27. 1 green MASH t-shirt
28. 1 red "Fruitcake" t-shirt
29. 1 plaid button up shirt
30. 1 lime green button up shirt
31. 1 awesome hawaiian shirt
32. 1 dark purple men's button up shirt
33. 1 grey flannel jacket
34. 1 brown coat
35. 1 official boy scout bandana (on neck)
36. 1 orange bandana (on head)
37. 1 straw cowboy hat
38. 1 orange fuzzy hat
39. 1 straw outback hat
40. 1 blue fuzzy hat
41. 1 official Geoffrey Toys-R-Us canvas hat

I am a sexy sexy bitch. I'm too sexy for my shirts damn it. Watch me do my little turn on the catwalk.

We are about 50 days until the start of the World Cup. The teams are revving themselves up for the tournament in Germany. The special 2006 World Cup balls have been made by Adidas. Everything is falling into place. The preliminary matches have been set. Now we wait.

And we place bets.

The eight groups have been divided. These groups will determine the outcome of the real games. So, who will be sent home early and who will advance?

These are my predictions.

Group A: Costa Rica, Ecuador, Germany and Poland

Germany has the advantage of playing on their home turf. Never underestimate the draw of a home crowd. However, their team is full of young players who could buckle to the pressure. Luckily, they drew a relatively easy group. Costa Rica is a mediocre team, but experienced with a strong sense of strategy and discipline. If they pull together their defensive side, they could cause an upset. Poland has a strong scoring record, but no stars for their team. This can be used to their advantage as it means they have the possibility for better team cohesion. However, their play tends to be sloppy. I think Costa Rica could hand them an upset if they continue with their lack of focus in the long play. Ecuador has a clear short pass style that can be difficult to beat, however, their goalkeeping sucks and they haven’t had much experience playing outside of the Americas which could prove a problem on the world field. They have a very strong center, but tend to rely too much on specific players. If those players are taken out, they will buckle as a team. In the end, I think Germany and Poland will advance. However, if Costa Rica wins their first match against Germany, then all bets are off in this group.

Utopia’s Picks to Advance: Germany and Poland

Group B: England, Paraguay, Sweden, and Trinidad and Tobago

Everyone loves England. They have the best odds in this group and will probably advance to the next round. However, they just barely made it into the Cup after they lost to North Ireland. They have a strong team with many star players, yet they fail to gel as a whole. If they don’t start to work together, they could be in for a rocky ride. England got lucky with the group they fell into. Trinidad and Tobago have the least chance of advancing and frankly, they are lucky just to be there. They are most definitely the underdog of the tournament with their odds being only 1 in 1000 of winning. Everyone loves an underdog. But, they are the underdog and I don’t think they stand a chance. I like Paraguay. They have a very strong team of veterans and young players who work together wonderfully on the field. I always enjoy watching their matches, even in a loss it is like watching a well coordinated waltz on the field. Unfortunately, they lack a good strong keeper and sweeper. Their defense lacks the strength it needs when going against such offense strong teams like England and Sweden. Sweden’s midfield is tough, probably one of the best in the entire tournament and I think that will be the downfall of Paraguay. If England loses their first match, I think Paraguay has a chance.

Utopia’s Picks to Advance: Sweden and England

Group C: Argentina, Holland, Ivory Coast, and Serbia and Montenegro

Argentina is good. They will definitely advance. Their interplay is pure art on the field. They will breeze through the initial grouping here and claim an easy victory. They are my favorite team in the tournament and I think they will make it to the finals. I know next to nothing about the Ivory Coast and Serbia & Montenegro. To me this says that they have little chance of advancing. This leaves us with Holland and Argentina. As a whole, this group is like a give to Argentina.

Utopia’s Picks to Advance: Argentina and Holland

Group D: Angola, Iran, Mexico, and Portugal

Mexico, as always, has a very strong and cohesive team. I’m fairly certain they will walk through this first round. Their defense is amazing. They have a powerhouse striker and an excellent keeper (I think is name is O. Sanchez?). Mexico has a World Ranking of #7 and as a whole, their team is excellent. Iran is okay, but I don’t think they have the stuff to make it past the first round. Angola has a great defense and the match between them and Mexico should be a lot of fun because of it. However, no one on the Angola team really stands out and they have a tough time getting the ball rolling on plays. No team can win on defense alone. Portugal has a good all-round team. Their midfield is surprisingly strong and I think it will really shine against the defense heavy Mexico and Angola.

Utopia’s Picks to Advance: Portugal and Mexico

Group E: Czech Republic, Ghana, Italy, and USA

I want to say that the USA will advance. However, they really don’t have a whole lot of experience and tend to choke when it comes time for world competition. However, they did manage to beat Mexico in their division this year. Unfortunately they are up against a true powerhouse in the tournament this year: Italy. I only saw one of Italy’s games in the World Cup qualifiers, but damn. Just damn. They are superb. I’m fairly certain Italy will have a cake walk through this first round and probably make it to at least the quarter finals. Ghana is the underdog of this group for certain, but they have a decent team. If the USA chokes like they always do in the World Cup, Ghana may win a game. However, the USA has several reliable players. Unfortunately for the USA, the Czech Republic is in their group. They led in scoring in the qualifiers and have more star power than you can shake a limp dick at. However, their consistency is bloody terrible. Some day they have great games and others they may as well have stayed home. If they have a few good games in a row for the World Cup, they will probably advance. I want to see USA advance, but I just don’t think it’s going to happen for them this year. They were put into an unfortunate group.

Utopia’s Picks to Advance: Italy and Czech Republic

Group F: Australia, Brazil, Croatia and Japan

Brazil will probably win the Cup this year, though they could receive an upset from either Italy or Argentina. This group is a give for them honestly. No one stands a chance against them in it. If the other teams accept that, they will have a much better time of things. Japan is probably the weakest of the teams in this group despite the fact they have a tight midfield. I haven’t seen them play any games, so I can’t really say for certain. I’m only going off what I read on this one. I also haven’t seen Australia play, but they don’t strike me as a strong team. Croatia has always made a decent standing at the Cup and I think they can easily advance past Australia and Japan.

Utopia’s Picks to Advance: Brazil and Croatia

Group G: France, South Korea, Switzerland, and Togo

Once again, I don’t know a whole lot about these teams. I caught the tail end of one of France’s games, but to be honest, they were already winning so I don’t think they were really putting their all into it. That sort of turned me off to them as a team. They were ahead in the game 3 to 1 and it was like they sort of stopped trying. At least, that is how it felt. I could be off base on this one. I’ve never seen any of the other teams play so I had to go out and do research on them to try to make an intelligent guess on who would advance. While France’s game may have seemed half-hearted, they will most likely advance as Togo and South Korea probably won’t put up much of a fight on the international stage here. Apparently Switzerland has a strong midfield and pretty good keeper which is the makings of a solid team if they work together well.

Utopia’s Picks to Advance: Switzerland and France

Group H: Saudi Arabia, Spain, Tunisia and Ukraine

I really like the look of Spain’s team this year. They may not have the flair of a lot of other teams, but they are quite solid and work together well. Their ball handling skills have improved greatly since the last Cup and this has made their passing game a lot of fun to watch. I’ve never seen Saudi Arabia play, so I can’t say a whole lot about them. I’ve heard they have one of the better teams in the Middle East and while this may be true, I don’t think they’ll advance past this round against Spain and the Ukraine. I saw one of the Ukraine’s qualifier matches and was fairly impressed with their team. Well, at least impressed enough to have confidence that they’ll advance past this initial group. Tunisia … well, I have no idea. Maybe they’ll pull a rabbit from out of their hat and move on.

Utopia’s Picks to Advance: Spain and Ukraine

As a whole, the groups were seeded fairly well, making it rather obvious within the groups who will advance and who won’t. There may be a few surprises. The USA may surprise us and manage to beat the Czech Republic. They have a few good young players, but as a country, we’ve never performed well on the world stage in soccer. While school children of all ages may flock to the sport, we’ve never been able to produce a good league for exhibiting skills of players. To me, it seems like we’re picking people from college teams and training them. However, without a league to play in, their skills in competition tend to get rusty. Alright, technically there is a national soccer league, but how many people actually know that?

As a nation, we don’t really support soccer as a sport, so the rest of the world has flown past us by leaps and bounds. Perhaps it’s the fact that we only like to support sports that we’re “the best” in. Perhaps it’s the fact that the violence in soccer is a bit classier and more underhanded that the full on collisions of football or the brute high sticking of hockey. Americans also don’t like low scoring sports in general. I’d bet that if football didn’t have inflated scoring for touchdowns and field goals (only one or two points for each), people wouldn’t like it as much. Americans tend to believe bigger is better. This applies not only to sports, but to just about everything else in the American culture: boobs, cars, houses, tv’s, etc. So, it shouldn’t be surprising that they don’t like games where the score rarely jumps above 5 points for either team.

Oh well. I look forward to the day that the USA becomes a serious contender for the World Cup. Our women have done it repeatedly … I wish the men would catch up.

Geh... I'm such a fucking twat. Why do I do these things? It's like a god damned compulsion.

Thanks Meathe.

You are Data.

Even though you are a genius you are always striving to be better.

Data: 78%
Will Riker: 75%
Spock: 74%
Jean-Luc Picard: 70%
Geordi LaForge: 65%

I spent this weekend being 100% unproductive. I did nothing of use to anyone. I downloaded about 3 gigs of manga and read it all. I made soup. I wore my pj’s all day. I lifted some weights. I did my podcasts, both live because I couldn’t get in the pre-recording “zone”. I did some grocery shopping. I drank coffee and ate egg sammiches with my husband.

I did nothing of use and I fucking loved it.

I finished several books I had started and gotten about half way through. One of those books was Choke by Chuck Palahniuk. You know, the guy who wrote Fight Club. Well, I finished that book this weekend. A lot of people think it’s his best, but I am still partial to Diary. To me, Choke seemed almost like he was trying too hard. Maybe I’m wrong and I just missed something among the sex-addicts tale.

So, once again I am out of books. Luckily people recommended several to me. Thank you internet people. I will be looking for these books next. Probably sometime in the middle of the week when I have time to head over to the book store.

Anyway, tonight I am going to make matzo balls to go into the lovely beefy soup I made yesterday. I will take pictures and post directions on making matzo balls that don’t suck later this week. Never follow the recipe on the box … those matzo balls taste like cardboard. Yech. They’re gross and look like softballs. Real matzo balls should have flavor and not taste like glue. I use a whole stick of butter (well… butter with canola oil instead of dairy … it wouldn’t be kosher in beef stew otherwise) in my matzo balls. It makes them awesome. Of course, I don’t care about being kosher, so I could use real butter and I just might do that. While I may not care about being kosher, I love matzo balls. And gefilte fish.

I am working on a template for YummY!’s new blog (who should turn on pings so it updates on my blogroll). I don’t know what theme I’m going to go with yet so I’m just working on a style sheet and learning wordpress code. I may try to do a Georgia type theme. I might drive down the way to Stone Mountain and take some pictures. Maybe I’ll go to the Cyclo-rama and take pictures there too. Or I’ll scrap all that because it seems like a lot of work and just do something with mushrooms and ladybugs. She likes mushrooms and ladybugs.

I’ve also submitted my bribe to the Shitty Blogs Club Survivor contest. I think it’s a good bribe as I included all judges and not just jeckles. Of course, it may suck as a bribe, but I’m sure someone will forget to bribe them and thus I won’t be voted off by default. Now that I have made it past the first round (fuckers… all of you) it is no holds barred. I’m not nice and I have no qualms about turning up the cunt factor a few levels to win. Like jeckles, I have a competitive streak and now that I remain in the contest, I must win. I suspect I will make enemies.

And now! Shitty Blog haiku:

Someone sent me this link today.

Don't click the link ... don't click it.

Actually... click the link! It's got Tom Jones magic on it.

I was going to rant and rave about some things. But, now I just don’t feel like it. To be honest, I don’t feel like much of anything. I must admit disappointment at the fact that my cases was pleaded out after I got chosen to sit on a jury. I was looking forward to the experience. I thought it would be fun. I mean, it’s something I’ve never done before.

I was toodling around various blogs and I saw the normal whining and bitching I see and I was going to rant about it, but in the end, I decided not to. Meh. Instead, I’m going to sing the joys of transvestites and transsexuals. I love them. I don’t know why. It’s a strange Utopia thing that I can’t put into words. Perhaps it is some strange form of penis envy? I do often find myself wishing I was a man.

I was listening to Rissah last night on Mango Radio and she was talking about what she would do if the magical penis fairies came down and granted her a temporary penis. I have to admit, I’d pretty much do everything she described: pee in the snow, bang lots of people, masturbate, compare, hit people upside the head with my temporary wang … you know, things people do with dicks.

I’ve digressed. I was talking about transsexuals. I suppose talking about having a temporary penis is like talking about transsexuals. I remember as a kid, around the same time I decided I wanted to be a physicist, I also wished I was a man. I remember being so incredibly frustrated with being a girl that it made me near crazy. We were slighted as women, told we couldn’t do the same things as boys. So, I told my teacher I wanted to be a boy. She was understanding and from that day forward, she never treated me differently from how she treated the boys. I mean fuck, my nickname back then was J.R. It’s the only nickname I’ve ever had that stuck for more than a day.

So, I was thinking, “Am I a transsexual?” No, probably not. I don’t mind being a woman quite as much anymore. Maybe I’m just used to it. Maybe I don’t let people treat me differently because I’m a woman (but they do… it’s just the nature of things). I won’t lie. There are women out there I find incredibly attractive, just as there are men I find attractive. I can’t quantify it and that is something that bothers me. I am married and devoted. Don’t get me wrong here, but attraction still happens … though I must admit it happens much less often now (with other people, I am still hopelessly attracted to my husband and I’m not just saying that, it’s true).

Fuck all. I don’t even know what the fuck I’m writing about anymore.

Utopia, stop fucking spewing drivel onto the page.

Anyway, to prove my devotion to said transsexuals and transvestites, I give you Utopia in a Rocky Horror costume.

Dear Fashion Industry,

Today I went to the mall to purchase myself a new skirt. I was dismayed to find that all skirts were in the new "Spring" colors of baby blue, pink and varying shades of yellow. Now, I don't look good in any shade of yellow or pastel in the winter, why do you think that suddenly, because it is spring I will look good in these colors? And it was not just one skirt or one store. Oh no... it was you as a whole conspiring together with your new "in" colors.

Most people do not look good in yellow of any shade, yet, there was a wide assortment of yellow all lined up and waiting to be purchased. Are you commiting these atrocities on purpose? Or is it just to annoy me?

These skirts were also all in one style. Ruffles were involved. And they looks ratty and used. I don't want a skirt to look used. Every skirt was exactly the same, what happened to variety? Having the same skirt in pink, blue and yellow is not variety.

Also, I have noticed that everything looks like it was made to be worn on a street corner. I personally do not want my boobs hanging out all over the place. While I do think I have rather nice breasts, they should not be out there for all to see. And halter tops? What the fuck? I am neither the corner slut nor 80 years old. Is there a happy middle with which you can provide me of high quality clothing that I will not have to take out a loan for? If a decent skirt costs $150 it had better make me look and feel like Marilyn fucking Monroe or Audrey Hepburn.

I would also like to point out, that, as a female, I have hips. I also have a waist. My hips are broader than my waist by about 10 inches. Yet, every pair of pants I tried on fails to compensate for this fact. I have an ass and hips, yet all pants seem to be made for some mysterious androgynous elfin creature that lives only in fairy tale and fashion magazines. If I put on a pair of pants I expect them to cover my ass. No one should have to see my ass crack. It's not a sexy look on anyone, even if you're 36-24-36.

So, fashion industry. I ask that you provide clothing in a wide range of colors year round. Just because it is spring or summer, it does not magically change the tone of my skin and suddenly make me look good in your choice of "cool" color. I also ask that you provide skirts that don't look like they were sewn together by a blind kindergardener. I don't like ruffles. I know some people do, but there are many who don't. Provide skirts of at least two styles and of varying length. I am neither amish nor a tennis player, thus a skirt should come in more than ankle or ass length. Pants should account for hips and the feminine curve and make sure that no one can see my underware. It's white and cotton because wearing a thong against denim is not comfortable. It chafes. I would also like a shirt which will not force my boobs to pop out without notice and will descretely hide my bra straps. I also ask that you provide this at a reasonable price, one outfit should not cost more than my fucking rent.

I hope you take my suggestions into consideration. But I know that you don't care. So ...

Fuck you,
Utopia

I am going to the bookstore today because I have a 25% off coupon. Unfortunately I don't know what to buy for myself.

Sooo...

I'm opening the floor for recommendations. I'll buy the first book someone recommends that I don't already own.

And just so you all know, I don't like Sci-fi or Fantasy books. I don't read them, I don't like them. I also would don't read "romance" novels (aka soft core erotica... I like my erotica hard core damn it). But, for the sake of recommendations today, this is off. I'll read anything if I can find it and I don't already have it.

If I already have the book or I can't find it at the store, I'll just scroll down to the next book.

Fun, yes?

It is that time of year again: Easter. I could go on a long rant about where the symbolism comes from, but there are enough other people who can rant the same thing. I've got nothing against assimilation, it’s how we evolve as people and cultures.

What I do hate is the sugar and pastels that seem to thwart me at this time of year. Everything seems to get white washed in grey for me because I can’t see pastel colors. It’s true, all I see is grey. I know that there is blue and pink and purple in there, but they all look the same. I hate pastels for that reason. (I also hate baby blankets done in pastels, so it’s nothing against the holiday itself.)

It’s strange though, my favorite color is grey. Perhaps I don’t like pastels because I know they’re simply masquerading as grey. They’re fake greys. I hate things that are fake: foods, smiles, people. I can’t help it. So, when I see these pastels dressed up as grey, it angers me. I first learned about these pastel colors as a child when I first started dressing myself. I remember going to my drawer and picking out an outfit.

I come out of my room and my mom blanched at me.

“That doesn’t go honey.”
“Blue and grey does too match.”
“No honey, that’s teal and baby blue.”
“Nuh uh…”

I don’t even want to get into the problems I have with different shades of pink. Needless to say, my current wardrobe is rather sparse with its color and those things that are colored are vivid colors. There are no pastels in my wardrobe. I keep to reds, greys, white, black and the occasional green. Denim goes with everything.

Well, in my world, denim goes with everything.

So, Easter thwarts me. Few things are as unapetizing as things dyed grey.

There are times that I think muses are mute. They drift on the wind, unable to speak, to talk, to sing. I think they are figments that we reach toward. Their hair drifts on the wind each strand a new melody, a new thought, a new story. We all reach out trying to touch that hair and we all fail.

In the end, no one touches the hair of the muse, we all constantly reach for it. We strive to grab onto that perfect melody, those perfect words, that perfect thought. We strive, and through this action, we create small and imperfect things.

Even imperfection can be beautiful.

There is no story that has brought the world to its knees and made us sing the same song. Nothing has yet crossed the distance and the ideas that separate us: the vast space between minds and bodies. So, we sit, separated by small and imperfect, yet beautiful things, trying to explain to each other and trying to understand those ungraspable strands of hair.

The muses must be mute.

Well, when I signed up, I suspected I would be the first person kicked off. Now I know I'll be the first person kicked off. The first task is to get my readers to go to bat for me. Unfortunately my meagre readers are all in the contest and have better blogs than I. I won't ask those in the contest to support me because that would be lame.

I'm not going to beg anyone to vote for me. I'm no good at that and I accept it. Besides, I am going to give you a run down of the other blogs and why you should vote for them over me:

Lord Doom - his blog rocks. He's blonde and has a cool accent. He has witty things to write and makes films. His girlfriend is also very hot and he has a pair of kick ass sunglasses. I do not have a hot girlfriend nor kick ass sunglasses. I got my sunglasses from a dollar store.

Jaden - Her libido is larger than her body. Enough said. Seriously.

YummY! - She's the SBC self proclaimed mascot. She is awesome. She has pet rats and a husband who buys her movies and himself hundred dollar lego sets. She makes cool boxes.

Bunny - Well, first off, her template is fucking awesome. however, I think she has some pent up rage that should come out in the form of abundant amounts of swearing. Still, her template rocks and she has a set of cajones on her.

Deb on one or both of her blogs - One is an opinionated news type blog with amusing thoughts on the current events of the world. The other blog is incredibly amusing. Read it, seriously. She blogs for Boris.

Rose - Pagan military wife. She's cool. She's trying to have a baby. Her blog is named after a snickers commercial and I respect that. She also has a super kick ass recipe for Pierogies on her blog. Try them... yum!

WebKittyn - She is a force of nature. Biggest blog whore, Webmistress and super nice on top of it. her blog also has cats on it. Cats are fucking sweet. She collects blogs like socks and manages to keep same in the process. Vote for her and join the cool kids.

aka_Monty - The daily bitch ... to be honest, I don't read this one. But it has a picture of a Quasimodo Barbie doll on it and I only have a picture of a two headed snake, so it must be cool.

Rilah - Tank tops and crazy slut wear is back in say this pregnant woman. She's tiny and cute and a red head. She's also witty.

Gus Greeper - She is funny. She doesn't like bees, they make her scream like a girl. Bees don't make me scream like a girl. Nothing makes me scream like a girl or even scream. If I was like Gus, I would be infinately more cool. Anyone who screams is cool.

Cris - Holy shrine to the thing that is Awesome ... McAwesome to be precise. Join the Church of McAwesome, they have pictures of boobs. Boobs are fucking awesome. Vote! The boobs compel you. Quantis, ledus, selcito, Dave McAwesome. Quantis, ledus, selcito, Dave McAwesome. Quantis, ledus, selcito, Dave McAwesome. Quantis, ledus, selcito, Dave McAwesome. Quantis, ledus, selcito, Dave McAwesome.

Keith - He won THE Internet Flame war. He has secured his place in history and is therefore worthy of your vote. I also learned that Alcohol will kill jock itch and Menthol products do not act as a topical anesthetic on your groin. Now I know, and knowing is half the battle.

Jen T - Mmmmm ... blind rage at stupid people. I need to get me some of that.

Kat Kat - KatKat is awesome. She is also a winner. Trust me, she wins. She knows more about Utopia than almost anyone else ... so she won a prize. She is cool and listens to my radio show. This got her lots and lots of brownie points. I voted for KatKat. You should too!

Right then. I made a button to encourage voting. You can click on it to leave comments on the voting site.

It started innocuously. Yesterday, there was a package of little, pink, marshmallow bunnies in the break room. I ignored it, despite the nagging in the back of my head. I shook it off and avoided the break room for the rest of the day, thinking it would go away.

But no.

Those bastard cubicle ninjas have started the celebration that is the anti-thesis of everything that is Utopia. (Utopia being me and not the concept proscribed by Sir Moore.)

For most of the morning, I avoided the break room. Knowing, but in a state of denial of what would lie there. soon, my need for caffeine and hot tea overwhelmed me and I could no longer stay away. My lemon poppy seed muffins need to be washed down by a hot and tasty beverage. The tart taste lingered in my mouth joyfully, yet at the same time my throat remained parched.

I went into the den of the ninja: the break room of the pink bunny clan. While they are not near as ominous as the clan of the fat, jolly man (no, not Buddha), they are indeed fierce and cause much consternation and annoyance.

I walked into the den to retrieve my hot, tasty beverage and relieve the thirst I had acquired. It had been taken over. The cubicle ninjas had struck again. Bunnies everywhere, on the windows, on the walls. I was surrounded by the grey mush of what I knew to be pastel colors despite the fact my brain blocked them out in self defense. I ducked quickly toward the coffee machine and opened the den of tea, my safe haven.

There was more. Those bastard cubicle ninjas did not even leave my haven safe, my treasure, my booty. Oh no. Within my cabinet of hidden treasures I saw it. Bright yellow, not of gold, tea or spices. The yellow of marshmallow birds … the spun sugar of hate and deception. I turned, grabbing tea before the yellow marshmallow chicks could see me and turned. It would not end, in my search for the warm water, I saw more. Chocolate bunnies, colorful hard candies … jelly beans. It was terrible.

My sanctuary has been corrupted by the cubicle ninjas. They covered it in the substance they know I hate: pastels and sugar.

You win this round, but you will not win the war.

I am heartened by the fact that all of the cubicle ninjas most fierce proponents are not in the office this week. Their doors are closed and offices dark leaving only we pirates who fight the torments of their nefarious ways.

But now… now I know one of my compatriots is indeed a spy. It is worrisome.

Uhg....

Dodgers 10
Braves 11

Have I ever mentioned that I hate the Braves? I'm a Dodgers fan and i admit it. I've always been a Dodgers fan and I don't suspect I'll ever be a fan of another team ... though the Diamond Back almost swayed me from my beloved Dodgers.

So, the game was close, but not close enough. I hope they win today int he three game series because I want to point and laught at the Braves. Of course, around ehre, that kind of talk can get you killed. People are rabid about the Braves.

Oh well.

The girls always laughed at her behind her back. I’m sure they laughed at me too. She was “the fat one”, I was “the smart one”. Apparently having such labels also makes you “the deaf one”.

But neither of us were deaf. We heard the taunts perfectly.

I hated the way they always made fun of her. For some reason it made me so much angrier than when the taunted me. Was that the reason I went out of my way to befriend her? I’d like to think I befriended her because she was nice. She was a good friend, even if troubled.

PE was the worst. This is a terrible class even for the skinniest and best looking of girls. It’s a time when you are forced to bare all in the locker room and then go outside and prance around trying your best not to humiliate yourself by either be too good at the sport or too wretched. The balance is delicate.

I was never good at finding such a balance. To me, it didn’t matter. I wasn’t going to pretend to be something I wasn’t. It’s not worth the energy.

My friend on the other hand, did want to try to be something she wasn’t. I remember the first time I caught her pinning her skirt so it wouldn’t fall down. She had been losing weight and I knew it wasn’t from exercise. Her shirts slowly grew larger on her, but her parents wouldn’t buy her new clothes. Eventually, she had to add another pin to her skirts to keep them from falling down.

But, she was still “the fat one”.

Despite the taunts we received behind our backs, she never let her hurt show.

I didn’t either.

It took me a while to get up the courage to actually confront her about her problem though. I still don’t know if I did the right thing, she didn’t speak to me after I confronted her. It wasn’t her fault she didn’t speak to me of course, her parents moved. I think they were running from something. I was never allowed over, nor was she allowed to my house. They lived in a hotel and she had always talked to me about how they moved every few months.

But, that is not the point.

The day I confronted her about the problem was the day she added the third safety pin to her skirt to hold it up. It was the same day one of the girls had unclipped one of her pins trying to force her skirt to succumb to gravity (which it did) and it was the last day I ever saw her.

“You haven’t been eating.”

“I’m on a diet.”

“I haven’t seen you eat in a month.”

“I don’t like school lunches.”

“You have to eat, it’s not healthy to starve yourself.”

“It’s not healthy to be fat either.”

She wiped her tears as I sat next to her on the back steps of the school. She had run away crying when her skirt tumbled around her ankles. Her skin had taken on a strange yellow-white pallor, one I knew couldn’t be healthy.

“I’m just worried about you. You’re not eating anything.”

“I eat at home.”

“If you say so. You don’t have to care what they think about you. You’re pretty unlike me. You have a great smile and good skin. The weight doesn’t matter.”

“You’re only saying that because you’re skinny.”

“No, I’m saying it because I’m worried. You’re losing the weight too quickly. How much have you lost this month? A couple of sizes at least. You’re up to three pins now.”

“I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. You don’t have to. We’re moving again anyway.”

I nodded and handed her half an apple from my lunch. “Please.”

She ate it, then disappeared into the bathroom when she finished it.

I didn’t have to be smart to figure things out.

I should have said more, but I didn’t know how. I was a kid. Kids don’t know anything and I was at least smart enough to realize that. My problems were nothing compared to hers and I knew it. I couldn’t say “I understand” and mean it.

I was the smart one. She was the fat one.

We'd never understand each other it would seem.

Satire is a mode of challenging accepted notions by making them seem ridiculous. It usually occurs only in an age of crisis, when there exists no absolute uniformity but rather two sets of beliefs. Of the two sets of beliefs, one holds sufficient power to suppress open attacks on the established order, but not enough to suppress a veiled attack.

Further, satire is intimately connected with urbanity and cosmopolitanism, and assumes a civilized opponent who is sufficiently sensitive to feel the barbs of wit leveled at him. To hold something up to ridicule presupposes a certain respect for reason, on both sides, to which one can appeal. An Age of Reason, in which everyone accepts the notion that conduct must be reasonable, is, therefore, a general prerequisite for satire.

--Jacob Bronowski & Bruce Mazlish, The Western Intellectual Tradition From Leonardo to Hegel

This weekend I did a Satire show on Mango for April Fool's. Now, I am not the most comedic of people. I have a rather urbane and dry sense of humor. I'm a straight man and I admit it. My humor is generally reduced to snappy, blithe one liners that often get filtered out between my brain and my mouth so as not to get myself into terrible trouble.

More than anything in my show, I was Satirising myself, something that I don't think many people caught. I held up what i thought was the opposite of me to illustrate a point. What the point was, ranged from one extreme to another. I made the personality perky and rather extreme; two things, I am most definately not. There are only a few subjects I find myself taken to extremes on, but, I don't try to press my views on those subjects onto others.

As with all extreme satire and opinion, people seemed to either take extreme offense to it or really enjoy it. I'm not trying to say that my humor is ahead of my time, because it's not. It was rather base and, well, offensive. Yes, I was trying to be offensive because it is something I try not to be.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

-Art Buchwald

I should say that I do actually know people much like the personality I portrayed on air. I didn't pull the personality directly out of my asss, but rather out of the world around me. It was a mish-mash of people who I know are taken to extremes and, to be frank, they scare me. I can't put my finger on exactly why, but I am fairly certain they scare me because of the extremes they take things to. It is not the issue they take extremes with, but rather the extremity itself. I've never been one for it. I try very hard to look at all side of an issue and deliberate on it for a time before coming to an opinion. I am well aware a good many people won't agree with me, and that's okay. That is why I call it an opinion and not a thought. Also, I do believe that opinions are capable of change. Beliefs are harder to sway.

I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant.

-Rufus, Dogma

Anyway, I guess the point is, I'm not going to apologize for my show on Saturday. Yes, it was an April Fool's gag. Yes, it was satire. No, it was not meant to be serious. Yes, it was a joke. Did it enflame you? Did it make you think? Did it fill you with rage? Did it fill you with anything at all? Well, maybe it's not me you should be haranging, but rather you should take a step back and think about why it caused emotion to well within you. More than anything, satire is there to provoke thought. Unfortunately, many people don't want to think, so they react on pure emotions instead. So, take a step back and think about it, then you can take your hate out on me.

Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own.

- Jonathan Swift

Want to listen to the show? Great, check it out below.

Satire is my Song: 01-Apr-2006