Abstract Utopia - I am a Desert.

Silence and Effect

February 15, 2006
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The whispers behind my back reminded me that I would never be one of the ‘popular’ ones. I could hear those tiny murmurs through every muscle, every tendon, every cell of my body. The whispers may as well have been shouted through a bullhorn as they vibrated through my being.

Did they think I could not hear?

Did they think I could not tell what was going on when I looked into their eyes?

It didn’t matter. I just walked past and smiled, knowing things they could never know because of their own ignorance.

My locker was open and once again someone had stolen my lunch. I glanced to the girl who occupied the locker next to mine. I knew it was her who was breaking into my locker. I didn’t mind that she wanted my feeble cookie or my precarious apple, she could have simply asked. I never understood the need to steal it. I never ate the sweet bits in them anyway. I was content with my sandwich and pint of milk or juice.

It’s hard to eat when you sit alone.

I just shook my head and walked off, taking the empty bag from my locker as I walked away. I glanced to the girl who murmured to her friend and simply smiled. It was a smile that said, “I know what you’re doing” but she was too shallow to grasp the meaning of the smile; or perhaps smart enough not to react to it. She just murmured to her friend about how she was stealing from me and how I was a ‘dumb skank’.

I’m not an outspoken woman and as a girl I was content to be silent as well. The people who know me know that I speak without words. I am content to listen and nod my understandings. I’m still amazed how people think that I’m deaf and dumb. Just because I don’t say anything, doesn’t mean I don’t hear you. If anything, because I’m not speaking I do hear you.

The day I was kicked out of my Junior High … yes, I really was kicked out … I confronted the girl who stole my lunch every day. I was cleaning out my locker and I looked over to her and said, “You should have just asked for my lunch if you wanted it, I would have given it to you.” I nodded to her and held out the cookies from my lunch toward her. Then I turned and walked away.

I heard her murmurs to her friend. The hurtful remarks made to my back cut even deeper then. I was the better person and it didn’t matter.

I knew I would never see anyone there again and I didn’t care.

I was not popular and I was not liked.

I don’t know what made me think of this today. It’s not something I’ve thought about in a long time. I’ve tried very hard to let go of the past. Who I was then is not who I am now. I don’t want to be waist deep in that angst. I would say I am a moderately happy person.

I rarely eat alone anymore.

Posted by Utopia at February 15, 2006 10:17 AM

Comments

This entry really made me hurt for you, and for me, and for my little boy, who I am constantly fearful of him becoming the boy nobody liked. It's amazing that such a small part of your life, the time you are developing who you are, has such a long lasting impact on who you become. People are rarely tolerant of those who buck the norm. The ones who as my mother would say, "walk to a different drummer". I was never overly popular, I had a tendency to stand up for the underdog. I remember how much those whispers can hurt. I like to see those people now when I bump into them. I see the years that have passed on their faces, the toil, the realities they have faced and know that I am that much stronger then they will ever be because I faced adversity that much younger.

Posted by: KaraMia at February 15, 2006 03:39 PM

There were certainly some familiar tones in that for me. I dropped out of school for the sin of being interested in it. But I know it made me a stronger person; and feeling that I know you (at least a tiny bit)... I know it helped make you the strong person you are today.

Posted by: Seraphim at February 16, 2006 03:16 AM

Sounds like me in middle school. It got a little better in High School. By then I was more sure of who I was and where I stood.

How did you get kicked out of Jr. High?

Posted by: YummY! at February 16, 2006 10:05 AM

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