I am a horrible person.

I had to get that out of the way first.

Yesterday evening I found out two of my friends died. They were people I knew from college. One died in a car accident and the other OD'd while in Las Vegas.

The one who died in the car accident was strung out on crack and who knows what else. He had been doing crack for sometime apparently. He worked with my husband and my husband figured he was and confronted him, but he denied it to his last breath. He died along with his Crack Whore, 18 year old girlfriend. (She literally gave it away for crack. Sad, Yes?)

I feel totally indifferent to his death. Nothing... not sadness, not anger, not even numbness. I feel, the same. It has left me unaffected. That stoicism I feel makes me feel shitty about myself. It makes me realize I didn't give a rats ass about the person who I considered a friend. To be honest, I don't I even considered him a friend. He was that guy who worked with my husband and I sometimes hung around with at the bar.

My other friend was an explosives chemist. He was working on his Masters in the field. He went to Vegas with his boyfriend (also a friend of mine) and they spent the weekend getting drunk. one night he took some painkillers then proceded to drink and gamble, went to bed and didn't wake up again.

This was a person I spent a good deal of time with talking about Alchemy, Metaphysics, Dischordianism, and spritiuality in general along with explosives, math and school. He was a dj and would often dj my club dances for free for me. We worked together at the radio station. Once again... I feel indifferent. NOthing. He's dead and I accept it.

Most people would feel sad at this, they would feel angry, hurt... something. I feel like I should feel something and since I don't I feel like a true bastard. Does this mean that I didn't really consider these people my friends? I mean, fuck, do I really think that little of people?

I'll be the first one to admit, there are very few people I consider close friends and these two guys were not on that list. I suppose they were really just acquaintances. I suppose I never let either of these two people know me. I don't let many people know me. I rarely talk about myself or my feelings. In my family, it just wasn't done. I have tried to write this five times and each time I have found myself grasping at words. I have watched each word flit away from me, just beyond my grasp. I do not know if I am expressing myself.

And I see myself writing this and I notice how fucking selfish I am.

I have made myself a new friend test. I think of the people I know and picture getting a call from someone who tells me they've just died. If I feel hurt, or sadness, then that person is one of my true friends.

I can count my true friends on one hand.

The sad thing is, the poeple who count me as one of their true friends would take five people worth of hands.

Gods... I am a horrible person.

Posted by Utopia at August 11, 2005 07:08 PM

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