Today, much to my chagrin, I got to pretend to be a chemist. I am not really a chemist, but I know physics so, the chemistry can't be all that difficult right? So, I got to do chemistry. It was much simpler than I remember it being from back in school, all I had to do was plug and chug some numbers. Was chemistry always this simple? I don't know.

Of course, I was not doing real chemistry. I didn't have to derive anything or pull new specs out of my arse. I was only finding numbers.

Ye flippin Gods, is that what it means to be a physicist? To constantly try to emulate other fields of science? Or, are they trying to emulate us? I don't know. To be honest, I don't really do any hard thinking for my job. Of course, I rarely get the chance to do any hard thinking at all. Perhaps my standards of thinking are too high? I don't know. I am quite enjoying floating through life only having to use half my brain. Of course, the other half of my brain may soon be withered into nothingness from disuse. (I'm not talking left brain/right brain here, just brain power.)

Perhaps I need to pick up some more hobbies to occupy the rest of my mind, something that will really make me think, use some of the brains I was given for good (or perhaps evil...). I don't know. Some days I feel like a useless genius, but then I realize most of us run of the mill geniuses (I'm not super genius, just a regular one) are all underused because we don't have anywhere to go in life.

Perhaps I need to dig out a sense of drive to actually use some of my supposed smarts. I like to do my work as I'm given it (which is too slow to occupy all of my time here at work). I like to think of faster ways to get things done so I can dawdle around in my brain thinking of useless things that have seized my interest for the week or month or whatever.

Lately, my interests have been leaning toward food and the science of cooking. Cooking is in fact a science. Proper mixture, proper methods, proper ingredients; all of these things are part of the science. Ah well, I don't know. I am trying to get back in touch with my heritage of Cuban cuisine, so I peruse the internet looking for recipes and fiddling with them til they meet my personal specifications of taste. Soon.... Soon others will be forced to try my culinary creations.

Well, that's enough of my pointless babble. I should go and crawl into a corner and mope the day away.

I have found that from time to time, we all need to get in touch with our inner child. Make a mess, roll in the grass, play in the mud and scream at the top of our lungs for no good reason other than we felt like it. I don't really know why this is, but it is good to feel young.

For those of us who have become revered crones and for those of us who have yet to pass maidenhood, our inner child lives within. I have found that there are people who are born old. The child within is suppressed and bottled up, never being let out.

I hate to admit it, but I was one of these children. My parents both said so, even when I was a child they told me. I enjoyed 'crone' activities like my grandmother, sewing, knitting crocheting, cooking, reading and mostly, just sitting alone in my room thinking. What I was thinking about I can't recall, maybe I was trying to remember my past, maybe I was trying to remember my future, maybe I was just trying to see the present. I can't say for sure. I suppose this set me apart even as a kid. I was always on the `outside' of everyone else. The person who didn't quite fit in. I was more mature than the other children, at least that is what people tell me. I always felt like I was being horribly childish, I even hated myself for it at times.

I remember one incident where we had a disabled student teacher who taught our class. One day, she was walking from the class room and she fell out of her wheelchair, all the other kids gawked and looked and laughed. I was horrified, I couldn't bring myself to laugh or even to look. All the other kids took turns going to the door and staring out it. I was embarrased about it. When the teacher finally came back to the room with the student teacher, she said, "Everyone who went to look and laugh has to stay in for recess. If you didn't look, you can leave." I was the only one who stood up and the teacher glared at me as if I was a liar and a cheat, so I sat back down and stayed inside for recess. I felt cheated somehow. I was angry because I felt cheated for being the only one who couldn't laugh at the misery of others. I hated myself for this, I hated the teacher for not believing me when I said I didn't look and I didn't laugh. I hated feeling that childish.

I know I am not a crone, nowhere near, but I would love to be, for some reason it just seems right. It is because of things like this that when I grew older, that I decided to get in touch with my inner child. This is a meditation I wrote to help me with that.

Inner Child Meditation

1. Relax all of your muscles by flexing each one for a few moments, then releasing.
2. Take deep, slow breaths at a metered pace.
3. Curl into the fetal position, shins and head resting on the ground, arms hugging around your chest.
4. Visualize yourself as a child, slowly allow yourself to become that child. Being reborn from the inside out.
5. Sit up and smile. Yes, smile, smile like you did when you were a child, be the child you were.
6. Laugh. Laugh like you mean it. Laugh for no real good reason other than to laugh.
7. Play. Have some blocks or clay there to play with for a bit, let yourself have some fun. Embrace your inner child, be your inner child.
8. Relax again. Go back to the fetal position. Allow yourself to 'grow up' again. while in this position.
9. Breath slowly, allowing yourself to reach your normal rhythm.
10. Stand up and be the grown up who cleans up the mess.

Walk the Open Road