The Bell Jar
Wow, look at me, I'm managing to blog. I squeezed in some minutes to delete a couple of things from the sidebar and throw up an entry so I don't completely neglect his place. I feel good about it.
Except I don't. I don't feel good about anything.
Life is a black, sinking hole which quietly salivates all over me while I just try to quietly exist. Now is one of those times where everything feels like it was made for everyone else. Where every second is a battle not to shed tears. Where I there is a fear.... something that started small but gains momentum like a snowball and starts crushing you, suffocating you with doubt, hate and self-loathing.
The person I want to scream at, to yell out every fear and objection and suspicion, I know I wont. If I ever see the person again... I'll just fall into their arms.
And the darkness will receed. It wont go, not for some time... the fear tickles at me all the time. I had 2 panic attacks since I got back here.
But its better. Better than it was, when I left.
I'm closing the rest of this entry off, because for most people it will be babble. Ignore at will.
I was alright, to start with. I had my knight in his rusty armour, no matter how far away, and I felt secure. But then someone mentions a name. I was in the car with Niki, and she just asked if I ever still hear from Matt.
And suddenly I felt very small, my knight in rusty armour seemed distant and untouchable. And now it beats at me. It's not so far away. It's better than it was, but its not gone.... I was walking into the city center on the way home from a job interview, and my shoe heel got caught in the pavement. Darn heels. In just the split second it took to free it, I remembered. I remembered another time, in the same place. I felt his arm around my waist and my skin crawled. I just stood there, before I managed to stumble to the bus station and get home, to lock myself in the bathroom, curl up in the corner of the shower, and just sit - be nothing, be blank, until the feeling went. The feeling of fear - so intense I can never find adequate ways to describe it. Moments like that... I can still FEEL his hands. See his eyes, watching me... never leaving.... hear his voice. The things that echo in my head.... "My gorgeous angel... Your still beautiful, it will heal up fine... Your a fast healer...."
I am stronger than I was, I have my Brongar to thank for that. He helped me help myself. But I wonder now if it will ever go away. Now I feel so empty and dark.... I remember how it was, when I was here in England before. I'm so happy to be back here, but I feel so vunerable now. Like he could jump around the corner at me. Or appear at the window. (On the first floor? Ha.) I was walking to the video rental store and I felt him behind me. Of course he wasn't there, but my mind told me he was. I saw him. I felt him. It took a long time to make it go away. To stop seeing.
And now the doubt. About everything. Everyone. In my mind I am alone. I let somone in sometimes, to touch the edges. They bought a little light in. I need to hold onto it.
Ignore the fear. The suspicion. The doubts.
They're MY doubts. Not real doubts. There is nothing to fear. Its all in my mind. I just have to wait, wait, wait and I wont be alone. Everything will be ok soon. Im imagining everything.
Comments
BEing salivated on by a black hole is just nasty, Seraphim. I hope you're able to stave off those panic attacks. That's a scary feeling.
You're right, of course, that it's all in your mind, but a mind is a very convincing entity. It's difficult to shrug off those bad feelings or thoughts when they hit. Best of luck, Seraphim. You can do it.
Posted by: Utenzi | July 12, 2006 04:38 AM
She did it once.
Posted by: brongar | July 12, 2006 05:55 PM
Wow this looks great!!
Posted by: katkat | July 14, 2006 04:10 AM
Good things are coming your way.
My hubby once had a panic attack when i was in the hospital...they are bad. I'm thinking of you and hoping for happy days ahead for you.
Posted by: katkat | July 14, 2006 04:13 AM
I'm sorry to hear your return home has a dark side Sera.
My inner feelings tell me it is good you are here, you will never be whole until you confront and overcome these fears.
You are a strong woman..I know you are!
This person will NOT have control over you.
This person is a speck of cat poo on the bottom of your shoe.
Be strong angel..be strong.
Thank you for writing about such private and personal matters.
I send you big big big HUGS.
Tc
Posted by: Top cat | July 18, 2006 12:28 AM