Seraphim's Journal of Muses

I thought I'd update on how I'm doing over here in England. I've been filling out forms and visiting offices so much that I've lost count. I had to pay out for a provisional drivers license renewal (because I still didn't pass, 2 years from last applying!), and for goodness knows how many other pointless things. But slowly, things are coming together. Tomorrow morning I have an interview for a pretty good sounding job... at a nearby city prison! No, I'm not becoming a guard. (Nor an inmate.) I'd be working in the training department, where they sort out career-progressive training for the prisoners. I don't know how likely I am to get this of course, but just getting the interview date and time comeing through perked me up a little bit, as I've been pretty depressed. Living in a small space with someone elses baby, no job and without Hubby tends to do that to me. I have another interview on Friday too. I'll see how it goes, I guess.

Posted by Seraphim at 06:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Wow, look at me, I'm managing to blog. I squeezed in some minutes to delete a couple of things from the sidebar and throw up an entry so I don't completely neglect his place. I feel good about it.
Except I don't. I don't feel good about anything.
Life is a black, sinking hole which quietly salivates all over me while I just try to quietly exist. Now is one of those times where everything feels like it was made for everyone else. Where every second is a battle not to shed tears. Where I there is a fear.... something that started small but gains momentum like a snowball and starts crushing you, suffocating you with doubt, hate and self-loathing.
The person I want to scream at, to yell out every fear and objection and suspicion, I know I wont. If I ever see the person again... I'll just fall into their arms.
And the darkness will receed. It wont go, not for some time... the fear tickles at me all the time. I had 2 panic attacks since I got back here.
But its better. Better than it was, when I left.

I'm closing the rest of this entry off, because for most people it will be babble. Ignore at will.

I was alright, to start with. I had my knight in his rusty armour, no matter how far away, and I felt secure. But then someone mentions a name. I was in the car with Niki, and she just asked if I ever still hear from Matt.
And suddenly I felt very small, my knight in rusty armour seemed distant and untouchable. And now it beats at me. It's not so far away. It's better than it was, but its not gone.... I was walking into the city center on the way home from a job interview, and my shoe heel got caught in the pavement. Darn heels. In just the split second it took to free it, I remembered. I remembered another time, in the same place. I felt his arm around my waist and my skin crawled. I just stood there, before I managed to stumble to the bus station and get home, to lock myself in the bathroom, curl up in the corner of the shower, and just sit - be nothing, be blank, until the feeling went. The feeling of fear - so intense I can never find adequate ways to describe it. Moments like that... I can still FEEL his hands. See his eyes, watching me... never leaving.... hear his voice. The things that echo in my head.... "My gorgeous angel... Your still beautiful, it will heal up fine... Your a fast healer...."
I am stronger than I was, I have my Brongar to thank for that. He helped me help myself. But I wonder now if it will ever go away. Now I feel so empty and dark.... I remember how it was, when I was here in England before. I'm so happy to be back here, but I feel so vunerable now. Like he could jump around the corner at me. Or appear at the window. (On the first floor? Ha.) I was walking to the video rental store and I felt him behind me. Of course he wasn't there, but my mind told me he was. I saw him. I felt him. It took a long time to make it go away. To stop seeing.
And now the doubt. About everything. Everyone. In my mind I am alone. I let somone in sometimes, to touch the edges. They bought a little light in. I need to hold onto it.
Ignore the fear. The suspicion. The doubts.
They're MY doubts. Not real doubts. There is nothing to fear. Its all in my mind. I just have to wait, wait, wait and I wont be alone. Everything will be ok soon. Im imagining everything.

Posted by Seraphim at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

I've kept it quiet.
Bad Sera. Today I am leaving. I am going home to England, on a wing and a prayer as they say. I have too many thoughts about it to be able to write them. It's not easy. My mind is scrambled. I have to leave hubby here on this godforsaken pit of an island. I'm going to miss him more than I can express. I'll miss blogging. I'll miss even having a computer. Hopefully I can get to a public one sometimes.
Goodbye, blog world. Take care.

Posted by Seraphim at 09:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

There have been a lot of 'thank you' posts in the blog-world in the past few months. Never one to resist jumping on the band-wagon, now it's my turn. I want to thank my commenters, readers, and the authors of the blogs I read. Just for being there, and being the people they are.

I want to thank KatKat, for being so supportive and thoughtful, even though she is going through a tough time herself. Someone who never looses the power to care and smile is a rare person.

I want to thank YummY!, because I know she regularly reads and often leaves comments which make me smile. It's great to know that she takes the time out of her day to leave me a comment here, especially when she too seems to have been engulfed in a bad-mojo wave for the past couple of months.

I want to thank WebKittyn, for giving me this wonderful outlet for my thoughts and feelings, however obscure and irregular. I know few people who manage to be as good a friend, as fair a friend, and as supportive a person as you can be - reading your blog gives me faith in the human condition. (Except for reading about Karla.. but lets face it, some people are truely beyond help.)

I want to thank TC. From someone who was a friend of a friend, he himself has become a valued and much loved blog-friend. His comments are always supportive, always make me smile. He always has time to leave a few words of advice, support, or failing all else, sympathy - and with everything that he is going through, this is truely remarkable.

And of course I want to thank Brongar. His quirky little comments make me grin, as we usually have many similarities in our unusual senses of humour. Best hubby in the world. *cuddles*.

For any other regulars I missed, thank you. This is only a little blog, I know I don't have the reader numbers that many have. But I don't know if I want them... for my little extended blog family, I am very lucky to have them.

Posted by Seraphim at 04:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

I feel very sick this morning. I'm not sure what it is. It could be the pile of cold KFC chicken I'm eating for breakfast, or the flat pepsi-cola I'm drinking with them. Bear in mind it is 6.30 in the morning for me. Or it could be that I have to go to work today, and now that Robert and Elena have left I have to work with either Peter, Panayiota, Christos or Marios. Despite his general 'don't give a fuck' attitude of late, Pete is the lesser of the evils. Christos annoys the hell out of me, Marios never, ever does any work, and Panayiota just spends her work time licking Marios' ass. Or I could be feeling sick because I'm nervous. I started applying for a really nice job back home in England yesterday. Similar to my own job, except I would have my own ward to be in charge of at this hospital. The thought that I might actually get to go home has me sick with nerves, no matter how remote the chance is that I'll get an interview.
Oh well. Back to greasy KFC, such is the life of a wife of a fast food chef.

Posted by Seraphim at 06:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)