December 08, 2006

Pin my name to me... I forgot it.

I don't feel especially well right now. I think the tribulations of the last two weeks are finally catching up. Had a serious back flare up for three or four days, then my knee started, then progressed to other issues. All relating to my lack of sleep during that time and the stress from diverse situations. I don't embody stress well... then again few do.

Today was a hellish day at work too. Trying to catch up four classes of clinicals for National testing tonight (written) and tomorrow morning (practicals) from a bunch of people that are procrastinators pretty much drives me crazy. I plan to sleep for a few days, maybe recover something or somewhat.

Ever notice how you forget lots of things when you are stressed, like words and things. It's ridiculous.

Posted by Ravennacht at 10:09 PM

July 28, 2005

Woe be they with issues

I honestly do not know how many more issues I can handle right now. Yesterday I took two tests (not the four), I ended up with a B and B- on them, which I feel absolutely bad about now. Purely a pride issue trying to get straight A again, but I just can't seem to concentrate on anything right now. Plus I am always tired.

On the way home from school, the car starts freaking out. Electrical surges everytime you brake or use the air conditioner. I get it to the street where my house is and it goes absolutely dead. I am freaking over this now. It wasn't less than a month ago that I had to dish out $150 to replace the windshield wiper arms (they got snapped off) and now this. Couple this monetary issue with the fact that any day now the $1,600 credit card bill arrives, and I have less than $300 to my name. So now I have no car, and a two legal tests to take on Friday.

Got mom to the surgeon with more bad news. The new antibiotic they are using is yet another one she is allergic to. Not sure what we have to do now, have to go back Monday again for another consultation.

I can't freaking think.

Posted by Ravennacht at 12:51 PM

July 05, 2005

Skin Cancer on the Mind

Three years straight my mother has had a resurgence of skin cancer. All striking areas of her face. Year one: large miscolored mass on the end of her nose. Year two: discoloration and scaling at upper lip. Year three: raising discoloration on upper chin. She also had a bad part of skin removed from her ear with cryo-freezing (which she says hurts more than the normal cutting), and has an area on her chest which is questionable now.

Each time she has gone through this, I have had a few days where all I can do is wonder if this is just the beginning of a progression that will end in finality. Many people believe skin cancer is not such a large threat.

1. More than a million people will be diagnosed with skin cancer this year.
2. More than half of all new cancers are skin cancers.
3. One in 5 Americans will get skin cancer in the course of a lifetime.
4. One person dies every hour from skin cancer, primarily melanoma.
5. Nationally, there are more new cases of skin cancer each year than the combined incidence of cancers of the breast, prostate, lung, and colon. http://www.skincancer.org/

I cannot tell you how many people have brushed off my concern when I have brought up what is happening. Like it is some minor issue. Since when did any form of cancer become minor. Like having large strips of your skin removed (especially on the face), stretched and stitched back together, is any minor issue.

I have recognized many differences this time. She's beyond afraid now. The eyes gain that haunted, fearful vacancy. I have seen it too much. She has told me that she has thought, herself, that this may continue happening until it becomes too serious. Her own mother died of cancer (lung cancer), she took care of her til the end. She speaks to me in preparation of what can happen. I can only listen and wait.

I see her energy level greatly taxed. I see the tiring. Her grafting this time did not take, again. She must go back to the doctor today for stitch removal, and possibly another graft.

The family support is not great. Rita was here once. All she could do was talk about her own problems and the fact that her daughter (who just turned 18) has moved out and how abandoned she feels. Mom had to cry in front of her, asking her to at least give her one day where she was concerned about something other than herself... that she needed her support... that she doesn't know how many times she can go through this... all the fear issues. What does my aunt do, you may ask? She gets herself into a tizzy and leaves in a huff, hasn't called since.

I won't even get into the issue with my own brother. I still have a metallic, bitter taste in my mouth, and a grating, straining nerve at the temple over that argument.

It's too serious to me. It's not even happening to me. You think you recover, and it comes back. All I can think of is whether this is the precursor, is this the beginning, is this the end. I've been around too many ailing people, I think I see too much. Yes, sometimes you can only cry.

Posted by Ravennacht at 11:33 AM

July 03, 2005

Some people need to get a grip and stop "mucking my flow" as Ahri loves to poignently state from time to time (I'll send you the royalty for using it, Ahri).

I'm still ticked off over the last "issue" that came up with family members. I have Rita having a fight with mom, storming off and throwing a tantrum, now I have my own fight with Jr. Frankly I am quite sick of all this crap. I am ready to sign up everyone for a group rate at the Freud Center for Psychological Testing. Either that or someone needs to call a plumber to extract everyone's head from their posteriors.

Posted by Ravennacht at 12:45 PM

June 22, 2005

Countdown to Surgery

Arises the anxiety level once again. Two surgeries are forthcoming on Friday and Saturday for the cancer removal and repair.

I can handle this, but I'm getting all tense and apprehensive about everything. It's like being wound real tight til the spring can't bear much more with only being held by a small pin. I never handle anticipation well, I always foresee too many possibilities and then drown in my own tsunami of thought.

Once again, I am on my own to handle whatever comes. There is a part of me that resents it, a lot.

Whatever, I'm not the one getting the surgery, what do I have to bitch about.

Posted by Ravennacht at 11:11 PM

June 15, 2005

Carbon Copy Checks

I'm still working through the last of my initial checks that I got when I opened up my account with Bank One. Unfortunately they gave me the carbon checks.

I do not like these carbon copy checks, not one single solitary bit. Not only is it a pain in the posterior to make sure that you don't mistakenly write over following check carbons when you make one... but I either have to keep all these stupid carbons or leave them in the checkbook.

I want my single copy checks back. They already went to a system of photocopying returns and sending them with the statements, so I don't need these carbon things!

I feel like a throwback to the days of onion paper and carbon for typewriters. Ick don't like em.

Posted by Ravennacht at 12:53 PM

May 19, 2005

Telemarketer Pays

I am extremely stressed out. I have multiple projects due (I just finished one yesterday) in the law courses. I have two tests left then two finals. I had to schedule TWO quarters ahead since I graduate at the end of Fall quarter. So now I have stress about the hours I have to take and the amount extra I will have to pay just to get the grants to pay for the ones I need... meaning I have to take extra crud to maintain credit hours for full time, but that inevitably puts me JUST over the grant amount so I have to pay over, and thats before books. I cannot win. God I have a headache.

I have had to read over 250 pages of Domestic Relations in preparation of a test next week. I cannot explain how much I DETEST Domestic Relations. Have to do keyterms for over 92 terms across 3 chapters. Have to do a title search for Real Estate. Have to do two Research assignments for Automated Research on Lexis. What REALLY irritates me is that I have to deal with this stupid Spreadsheet class (which I have already passed previously) and deal with an absolute asshole teacher. He doesn't get the midterm graded til just this week. He doesn't get last week's assignment graded (still not done yet). Now I have to deal with his demanding conniving posts and emails (to everyone). He is getting a furiously nasty evaluation.

Tim (uncle) is supposed to be coming today to spend a few days, likely have to go see grandfather (which means I will be the likely transporter). I'm already all bound up about that, owing to just not wanting to deal with the drug usage and alcohol. We called earlier this week, mother catches him "speaking irregularly" and answering strangely (duh, figure it out). I am absolutely tired of this shit. I feel raw to the whole thing. I can't count how many times we've been lied to, abused, taken advantage of by family in the throes of cocaine, heroine, alcohol, marijuana, or whatever else they are sticking into themselves. Promises, lies, every single time. Welcome to 40 year olds with 25+ year drug/alcohol addictions that they don't want to stop.

A telemarketer called once again today for Tim. I don't know what he did to give them our number (he lives in Florida), but they have called at stupid hours every day for three weeks. They have been told he doesn't live here, yet they continue to call. This number is registered on the DO NOT CALL list, yet they still call. Finally I had enough today. I had run downstairs to grab the phone (remember, I'm doing homework upstairs), and lo and behold its the frickin computer dialer wanting me to acknowledge that I am Tim. So I do and wait for the real person, the whole time just seething with irritation. I listen to crappy elevator music for about two minutes then hear an operator cut in and say "Hello". I take a deep breath and say "Hello". "Can I talk to Tim Franz."

All hell breaks loose. "First, there is no Tim Franz here. He doesn't live here. He doesn't get passed messages from here. Second, your company has been calling here for three weeks straight irrespective of the fact that you have been told that he doesn't live here. Third, this number is registered on the DO NOT CALL list. I suggest that you remove my number immediately (repeated my phone number) and do not call again." There is a short pause where I hear feverish typing, then a quick "It's done"... I say "have a nice day" and promptly hang up.

Now I understand that its not the operator's fault, its just her job, but I sure as hell can't strangle the company like I wanna. Let's just hope they taped the call. Bastids.

God I need summer break already.

Posted by Ravennacht at 01:23 PM

April 27, 2005

Gee, can you tell I cannot sleep to save my life.

Posted by Ravennacht at 02:08 AM

Sibling Irritation

I find myself being irritated with my brother at the moment. Not that I don't love him, just that I am overly stressed and the latest string of events have conspired to make me irritable. I'm a crabby bastid anyway.

I am of the mind that the recent return of the cancer has made me get that feeling that I am on my own helping mother again. It's times like this when I kinda feel like I am an only child. Not that I expect my brother to drop everything and return home (even though he's all of an hour away), before the surgery even occurs, but its like he's disconnected himself off in his own world and has no relation to the events going on unless you make sure you tell him.

I realize that we are different. Night and day. Extreme opposites to the point that we regularly tried to throttle one another while we were growing up, but it's times like this when I feel like we are miles apart.

I don't know what I expect really. When these things occur, I am the one that feels compelled to drop everything and run and help. I have done that with family, with friends, whoever. He needs to be asked/told what to do. I just feel that most of the time, people don't say what they need in these situations anyway, so how can you wait to be asked.

Anyway, I don't have the right to judge him, I don't know what he is feeling. I'm not in his head. I just needed to release the frustration, I guess.

Posted by Ravennacht at 01:57 AM

April 20, 2005

Prevails the Sorter

Welcome to this journey into the realm of obsessive behaviour. Watch as the hapless 34 year old wakes early and proceeds to cart all the assorted boxes of accumulated, unsorted clutter from the extra "storage room, catch-all" bedroom down to the garage car bay to be neatly stacked upon the banquet table for later sorting.

After months of begging for all the papers and assorted clutter to be gotten through, I have finally won out thanks to the imminent arrival of a contractor to replace the upstairs windows. Needless to say, the parental unit is not kosher with the thought of said stranger seeing the sorry state of the aforementioned room, so she has consented to allow me to move all the stuff "at issue" to the garage for final judgment, wherein it may be properly ordered, trashed or otherwise disposed of.

Hallelujah.

Posted by Ravennacht at 11:34 PM

April 16, 2005

Critique the Cynic

Personally, I think I am overly critical and cynical of people. I am told I don't come off that way, just 'realistic', whatever that means.

I guess that certain things just trigger me.

For some reason, I have a problem dealing with people that are less than realistic about certain circumstances. Especially in the arena of money and finances. I don't understand how someone can want to buy something for the purpose of 'show' and 'competition'.

"I want this engagement ring. It has 45 stones and is pure platinum." "I want a house in this neighborhood because all the 'best' people live here"

I try not to be judgmental. Perhaps I am a victim of simple country living in a broken familial atmosphere where we were lucky we got food half the time. For some reason I just get anxiety over even listening to such things about me and don't really know how to even deflect it and not worry about it. I get fixated on wondering how, why...

One thought comes to mind for me. If you were a person that was going to be engaged, or was asked to be married... wouldn't you be pleased with anything... just to be with that person?

If you were newly married, wouldn't financial stability in selection of starting home be more logical than putting a new relationship in stress and financial problems over just having a house to beat all houses?

Yet another issue of making things complex out of the simple, I guess.

Posted by Ravennacht at 11:17 PM