Posted by Ravennacht at 12:24 AM

May 10, 2006

Vacant Pews

Not looking good on the familial support/attendance front for Ian's wedding, which is in ten days. It appears that the majority of the family will not be coming. Tony, Possibly. John, No. Tim, No. Nick, No. Chris, No. Tyler, No. Heather, No. Grandfather, No. Madison, No. Debbie, No. Stacey, No. Nicole, No, Kristin, Unknown, Sara, Yes, Rita, Yes, Bruce, Unknown. Harry, No. Julian, No. Irva, Yes, Kellee, Yes. Bobby, Yes. Kylee, Yes. Pat, Unknown. Kevin, No. Sharon, No.

I really feel bad for Ian. Nothing I can do about it though. The poor man called here late last evening just to ask if we knew if any had indicated if they were coming or not. I can't wait til they start bitching and whining about something next (which is inevitable), let the tide surge.

Posted by Ravennacht at 11:49 PM

January 04, 2006

The Last Straw

The proverbial camel's back has been broken. Witness the recent conversation with grandfather over the telephone for twenty-six minutes. Clearly I was channeling grandmother's spirit:

GF: Hi, have you heard anything from the boys?
ME: No, why have they called you?
GF: No, haven't heard from them. Listen, is there any way that your mother would reconsider letting the boys stay in the trailer?
(insert large pause and unheard unhinging of the mind)
ME: Listen to me, there is absolutely no chance in hell that those boys are going to be staying in that trailer. You need to stay out of it.
GF: I am not getting into it, I just needed to ask for my own knowing.
ME: Yeah, well by asking something like that, all you are doing is inserting yourself into the midst of a big mess that is best left to its own, sabe?
GF: Well, I can't be expected to just let them dwell the way they are, I am the only parent they have left.
(insert another large gap)
ME: You know, I have had some time to think about that since the last time you said that, and I have a few things I want to point out to you. First, those three boys are not the only children you have... you have seven. Last time I checked, my mother, Rita, John Michael and Tony are your children as well...
GF: Now I didn't mean anything by that, of course I am their father too...
ME: Well, considering that for the last two years you have been more concerned with the discomfort of the the youngest three and disregarded or signed off the oldest four, I think there is something to talk about. You show more concern and respect for their wishes than for those of your children that have gone out of their way to try to do right.
GF: Now, I don't want any misunderstanding... Some of the others have let me down.
ME: What exactly are you implying by that statement?
GF: Well, you know what I mean, the time when your mother and sister put me into the nursing home and Tony came up and took over my finances.
ME: That's a load of bullshit and you know it. You are talking to the wrong person to take careening down that road. I realize that your wishes were not listened to during that period of time but lets lay the facts out clear right now. You absolutely HAD to be in the hospital for a month, you couldnt even walk anymore. You could NOT return to trailer after you were released from the hospital because no one could take care of you when you needed direct assistance, which is why you were placed in the home temporarily...
GF: That's not true, Butch and Pam could have watched over me, just like they were before...
ME: You said that part straight at least... they could have watched you and taken care of you just like they did before you went into the hospital. With you not being fed, developing a serious infection, having diabetic flare-ups... not to mention the money that was stolen from you during that time, NOR the credit cards that were taken out in your f*cking name with those people. Your daughters and son did everything expected of them to keep you alive and extract you from a pair of manipulating grifters after your money. You need to start taking a close look at who your family is and who isn't.
GF: Well...
ME: And furthermore, I have absolutely had it with you holding my mother and the others up to a standard that you do not hold those three f*ckwits to. My mother provided a trailer to her brother so he could have a place to live three years ago. The rules were clear from the start, absolutely no drug usage. Who the hell are you to second guess her intentions or the fact that she has been going through hell dealing with the two of them since she had to throw them out. Do you really think it was so easy? At least she finally took a stand. Did you expect her to allow them to use drugs there, sell drugs... risk her property. Did you know that drug users were coming to the trailer while they were there hunting for Tim. Did you realize how much drug paraphenalia and residue were left there? Is she just supposed to accept that silently? Is she just supposed to let them do it?
GF: They did the same thing to me when they lived with me, I understand completely.
ME: Yet you still asked if she would reconsider. How f*cked up is that. Does it look like they are suffering? Hell two of them had great paying jobs with Tony, but they threw that away... didn't pay their bills, didn't pay their taxes, used all their money on drugs, gambling and alcohol... but its tragic where they are now... it's tragic that they have nothing to their names... thats all crap... THEY CHOSE THIS.
GF: I just don't like to see them in this state.
ME: None of us do... but I am tired of this. This is one of those grandiose family tragedies that we are supposed to keep silent.
GF: Right, the skeleton in the closet we shouldn't talk about it.
ME: And where has that gotten us.
GF: Well...
ME: It has gotten us a cycle of drug us, alcohol, abuse, gambling that has been with some of them into their fifties and has been shown to the grandchildren since. You realize that these three boys are 37 to 46, where is their life, how many chances have they gotten, what could they have been, where are they now.
GF: I understand, I just can't see them uncomfortable.
ME: You want to talk about being uncomfortable, how about this. I am sick and tired of seeing the whims, f*ck-ups of them running rough-shod over any good that does come to the family.
GF: What do you mean?
ME: Only that you and grandmother, while she was still alive, catered to those of them that were always in trouble, destroying themselves, dragging everyone else down AND they never once respected you, nor wanted the help, as you can plainly see since they are STILL where they were way back when.
GF: I can see that.
ME: And yet, do you ever praise those of us that have gone out there and fought these tendencies. What about Ian securing a successful job and doing well, getting married. What about Heather going through school and graduating early with little help from her father. What about Stacey getting married, starting a restaurant, and having a baby in March, what about me graduating from college with another degree, what about your two oldest sons starting another pool business, what about Sara graduating from high school this year, what about your daughter nearing retirement and being stable... any of that sound like a positive to you? Yet not once do I ever hear you focus on any of that, it is always on those three.
GF: (thinks on that)
ME: This is what I have to say to you. No more. No more being quiet about these family problems, no more taking it when they dish out the sob routines, no more noncommunication allowing them play us one against the other for money and other things.
GF: Yes that sounds like a good idea.
ME: Where the hell were they when you needed them? I was there, your older son and daughters were there. You are alive and well now. Yet did they come to you? No. And two of them were not working at the time. How do you accept that. Why the hell are they better than those that did help you. I think you have some deep thinking you have to do.
GF: (mulls that over)
ME: And this isn't out of disrespect. I love my uncles, I love you, but this is the end of this stuff. If I have to drag the rest of the family kicking and screaming to the realization that they don't need to be catered to anymore, then I am going to do it. I do hope you keep this in mind... because in the end, it is you that suffers every time you give in to them. Remember that money you just sent down there.
GF: I don't know what you are talking about.
ME: The money you sent Nick for the car... well considering the fact that he just sold that car for about $4k, AND he didn't come up here like was part of that deal, I don't suppose that makes you feel used one bit.
GF: (mulls on that)
and on and on, I have no doubt I didn't even make a dent.

Posted by Ravennacht at 01:03 PM

January 03, 2006

Of Drugs, Mayhem and Tears

The parental unit has returned from Florida with a multitude of stories of unfortunate encounters.

Upon reaching the trailer and stepping inside, they found that Tim had indeed left the place... with all of his crap pretty much left there short a few of the larger items. Her first impression upon entering the trailer was the distinct odor permeating everything. Cocaine... Meth... The coffee table, end tables and couch were covered in residue of crystal and powder... definitely benders going on here. The mattresses were off of the beds, on the floor... lord knows why, perhaps whoever was sleeping there felt the world spinning and needed the sanctity of Mother Earth to hold them down.

Razors and other implements all over the place... the Gillette factory must be elated at the business. She admitted to falling into tears the second she opened the door... makes me want to tear Tim and Chris' spleens out through their nostrils. They spent the entire first night cleaning up things, airing out the place, steam cleaning the carpets, throwing away bedding and mattresses, etc. It was quite disheartening considering not more than a year before she and I had spent the summer painting the place, buying new furniture, appliances, etc to make it livable. Shows how much respect and appreciation the drug-using pieces of shit have for someone trying to help them. Never again.

Tim was called several times to come over to help packing the remainder of his items. He came over once for about an hour to pack a few boxes of books and smaller items then waved off claiming he "couldn't handle it anymore." Typical making someone else bear the responsibility for their fuck-ups. I hope he feels the shame of it til he blanches.

Chris called multiple times trying to butter mom up enough to have her change her mind about staying in the trailer. She told him to forget the trailer even existed, that if it meant so little to him to do drugs in her property after knowing the rules, that he had no right, nor was he welcome in the place again. Several comments about living on the street were made... who cares... be there til you straighten your crap out already.

Tim's stuff was boxed up and set out in the car port, covered, with him being told yet again to come and get it (still there even now)... shows how much importance personal possessions have. The closets were full of an odd assortment of items... old computers, typewriters, etc. I suspect so much, I don't even want to give voice to it anymore.

It is clear from the trackings through the trailer that more than just Tim was staying there. People were banging on the trailer door at 2am and beyond seeking Tim and some unknown woman... clearly several drug parties occurred here. Wouldn't be remotely beyond reason to consider that he was dealing directly from the trailer... he's done it since he was 16. The residuals and assorted items found would definitely explain it.

Mom gave Heather a key and hired her to come over and check the place every week. All the locks were changed, the boys were told to stay the HELL away from it. John Michael and Tony were not happy when they discovered what was going on there... I think John was ready to tear into the younger three, but Mom handled it.

Nick changed his mind about coming up north at the last minute and decided to stay down there in Bradenton. For some reason he feels obligated to watch over Christopher, because he is certain he will die (cough). He sold the corvette for about $4k and was seeking a job. Meanwhile he, Chris, and Tim found some cabin on some man's property (who is under disability for dialysis) that is allowing them to stay there. Odds on how long before they break the rules there and do drugs.

Tim is supposedly coming up to Pennsylvania to "see some friends" (cough) and then swing over to Ohio to visit (translation, hit up the old man for money). He was told he was welcome to visit us, but he was no longer going to be staying in the house, he could stay over at grandfather's.

I have been fielding telephone calls every other day with grandfather with him calling with sob stories about how uncomfortable the boys are and how miserable, and how they have made mistakes and have no money. I cautioned him for the umpteenth time about giving any of them money... as they always inadvertently choose to forget to disclose all of the facts, misleading him completely.

Case in point, Nick tells grandfather that in his last paycheck, Tony docked nearly his whole pay ($1000 for one week) and left him only $50 for the final pay period. Grandfather sends him $500 to get new tires on the corvette in prep of him driving it up here. Mom finds out from John Michael, while she is still down there, that he gave Nick $200 after hearing the same story. Mom asks Tony... who is flabbergasted abou the whole thing, saying that he only withdrew about $400 from that paycheck (to pay for the storage fees of a truck that Nick blew out on the highway and caught on fire). I call and tell Grandfather this, about the amounts of money he actually had and he gets all whacked out... suprise suprise.

Grandfather calls again and goes yet again into the "poor them" schpiel. I am over listening to it. Some people never learn. I took Rita and Sara over there to visit with him, just after Christmas (she hasn't seen him since they have all been fighting since he got ill and did his "don't want to see you ever again".) He notices Sara (18) smoking and raises his eyebrow (as he's jamming his thumb into his pipe to pack it and digging for a match), "Ye know, Sis, that cigarettes are what killed yer grandmother." I cringe and wait... Rita bolts up out of her chair, staring him down, "It was more than cancer that killed my mother!" she says all irate. I try to get her calmed down, but she's pretty much done. He talks the whole time about what the boys are doing and the decisions they have made. I tell him that they are full of it and that the last straw has not only been laid out but been trod on multiple times, and immolated in the fires of Hell... done is done. He goes on about how he is their father and he can't just let them suffer like this.

I am taken aback by this and don't know what to say. Not from the poignant standpoint of a parent wanting the best for their child... but more for the fact that this man didn't raise his children, he beat them, drank to excess stupor... pretty much taught them how to deal with their emotions by self-abuse... hell, he even succumbed to his greed by financing multiple drug sales in order to cash in... and countless other unlisted sins... and he turns around and says something like that. Rita just raised an eyebrow and said nothing. I shall have to ponder upon that some more. I quickly excused myself and we left... I've had enough of the catering to drug peddling, drug using bastards. Evil evil evil.

Posted by Ravennacht at 01:14 AM

December 20, 2005

Trek to Florida

Mother left for Florida today, on a mission to rake her brothers, my uncles, over the proverbial coals and clean up the mess they have yet again created down there. I was tempted to ride-along, but had to remind myself repeatedly of the shenanigans that occurred all Thanksgiving long... did I really want that on Christmas too, no freaking way.

I feel much better in the quiet now... I have been sleeping a lot, when I haven't been at work, nonstop. So many State Reports to complete for the First Responder Grant, as well as tests and syllabus for a new self-paced EMT-Basic course that needed done. Nary a second of my own til now. I intend to read the Wheel of Time series over to catch up to read the new one that I just purchased... makes my 11th or so reread, but who's counting.

Grandfather has been calling a lot, he's feeling out for information... which he always passes on to the three tards in Florida to their advantage. I intend to turn it to his distinct disadvantage the next time he tries. Rita and Sara are probably coming to spend the night a few times. Ian also probably will be making an appearance since I told him I wasn't coming to Columbus for Christmas. Viva le Tranquility whilst it lasts.

Posted by Ravennacht at 01:07 AM

December 03, 2005

Floridian Flare-Up

The boys flights seemingly was less than uneventful, for it seems that some altercation occurred in the airport. Tony told Chris that he was to drive Tim back to the trailer in Bradenton as soon as they got back, the others were going to return to work.

End of the week comes, Christopher still hadn't returned yet from "dropping Tim off at the trailer." It seems that he has taken a bit of an extended vacation. Nick and Tony got into a huge fight on Friday after work, where Tony demanded that Nick park the company truck in the lot and leave it (originally both Chris and Nick had been allowed the company trucks as personal vehicles but that was abused). A huge fight ensued with Nick giving his two week notice. He then walked home over ten miles from the office. (this I know as he called and was talking to me as he was walking down the highway.) Nick asks about possibly returning to Ohio to live.

Tim calls saturday and tells mom that he has blown his rent money (he rents mother's trailer in Florida) on drugs. Given that he is paid by Social Security by about the third of the month and it is only just about the third by the calendar, you can see the dilemma inherent. Mother tells him it is his problem to come up with the rent (He had said "We have a problem.") and hangs up on him.

She calls Nick and Chris to find out what is going on and during the ensuing conversation with Christopher even more pertinent information is revealed. It seems that during his jaunt down to "drop Tim off at the trailer", Tim and he were partaking of drugs INSIDE the trailer. Given that a term of living in the trailer was that A.) no drugs were to ever enter the trailer nor be used in it and B.) Christopher was never allowed back in the trailer for violating rule A. a year ago... mother was less than pleased.

Chris: "You spoke to Tim?"
Mother: "Yes, he told me he blew the rent money on drugs... I told him it was his problem to fix and hung up on him."
Chris: "Well we were both doing drugs, you should never have bought that trailer in the first place, you know how that area is."
Mother: "Oh really."

Enter another phone conversation with Tim in which mother tells him that he is out of the trailer and that she will be down by the end of the month and that he is to have his shitockie packed and out before she arrives. He sheepishly acknowledges everything she found out and says he will be out.

A flurry of phone calls come in day after day as each brother calls attempting to hash out the maelstrom falling upon the state of Florida... Tony fires Chris for never returning to work... Tim is told by his boyfriend that he can't move back in with him because he won't have drug usage in his house either... Nick tells Chris (they live together) that he has quit and is now moving to Ohio, thus the apartment must be vacated by the end of the month... Chris gets thrown out of his stepson's condominium by his ex-wife (can't stay there either)...

Initial discussions with Christopher include his implying that he will be returning to Bradenton and staying in the trailer, to which he is told that he isn't welcome at the trailer, STILL, and that he needs to make other plans. He accuses us of all trying to make him and Tim live on the streets, and that he is going to write off the whole family. (cough)

Grandfather begins stirring in the background up here, clearly getting phone calls from the boys down south seeking funds. I begin calling him every other day, telling him what is going on and trying to keep him from falling for any lies and casting any cash on the midden heap.

Mother makes plans for the trip to the trailer in December. Tony tries to buy me a ticket to come down also, but I refuse to go and have another holiday ruined by the drug-alcohol using members of the family. He is disappointed, but there is always another day. Nick starts making plans to get everything packed and moved to Bradenton to wait at the trailer until mother arrives, so he can follow her back on the drive return to Ohio in January. He is directed to keep both Tim and Chris out of the trailer.

Posted by Ravennacht at 01:39 AM

November 27, 2005

Thanksgiving Visit III

Tim requested that Lisa make a special dinner for the night, Shrimp Diane. She made a special trip to Lima to get the supplies and prepared the dinner while we went out.

We spent the day visiting Great Aunt Irva. It has been quite some time since she has seen her sister's children, you would think they would appreciate it more, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be. After the visit, on the drive back, Chris kept asking how far Lima was from the house. I told him it was about 16 miles away, fifteen minutes.

We got back home and immediately the bottle came out. Chris and Tim left for the bar downtown. Tony and Tyler ordered a pizza, not able to wait for dinner. Dinner was served and done with, the food put away, the dishes done. Two hours later, the boys lurched through the door, enter the kitchen and ask "where the dinner is." Lisa tells them the food is in the fridge if they want to heat it up. The two of them make their plates full and proceed to chow down, stand up, take their drinks and go to the garage to smoke, leaving all of the stuff out and their empty dishes on the table like the maid was going to clean up after them.

Chris came in a few times, largely long enough to begin the same question session that he started in the car earlier, asking how far Lima was. I repeated what I had said earlier. He then tells me that he wants to see what kind of things are going on there. I tell him "there's nothing you need to worry about going on there." "Like you would know." Like I want to drive your inebriated carcass anywhere. He goes to the kitchen where he absconds with a bottle (which we didn't discover til later) and returns to the garage and the smoke parlor.

We largely ignored them, with everyone preparing for bed.Tim comes in and goes upstairs to the extra room. Mom goes out to the garage and finds Christopher passed out on the table. She spends a good fifteen minutes trying to rouse him before he finally wakes enough to throw up loudly and stumble back into the house in the bed she made for him. Another 'productive' night.

The next day mother gets into a discussion with Chris about how disappointed she is with their behavior. He is able to refrain from drinking til getting drunk for the remainder of the day, until later that night. At least they left for home finally. It was time for them to go.

Posted by Ravennacht at 11:09 PM

November 26, 2005

Thanksgiving Visit II

Mom agreed to lend her vehicle to the boys, but allowing only Nick to drive, stipulating that he was not to drink. He, Chris and Tim went to visit Grandfather, who lives less than ten miles away. Tony, Tyler, Lisa and I went to Lakeview about an hour later to pick up movies to rent. Grandfather is staying in a house on the way, mother's car strangely absent from the parking lot as we pass. I make no comment, but find myself scanning the parking lots of the bars and licquor store in Lakeview as we pass, looking for the Sable. We grab about ten movies and return to the house, finding only Nick home. He relays that Chris and Tim "went for a walk." He and I watch a few movies while Tony and Tyler go with Lisa to the Walmart, to finally buy jeans and supplies to make tacos.

They return two hours later and Nick starts cooking. Chris and Tim still "on their walk" in a village that is navigable in the space of about a half hour, and allowing for the subzero weather and the floridian's propensity to think anything hovering at 60 is "freezing", clearly they are somewhere heated.

We start eating dinner, finally, I listen as Tony picks at Nick about the food and other things, Nick silently takes it. I ask him later why he doesn't say something, expect respect from his own brother... he doesn't know what to say. Nick, Tony and I begin playing Texas Hold Em Poker with Mom, with Rita watching, the boys return from the bar, sloshed. I hear them laughing uproariously, amused in their stupor. Chris stumbles into the kitchen, makes a drink and then goes out to the garage to smoke. Tim keeps meandering between the garage and the house, making comments about, "How that was some of the best shit he ever had." and "That shit was great." Comments not typically attached to alcohol, but rather to drugs. I feel my skin grow several shades darker. God I am sick of this shit. On his last comment, I stand and tell him to shut up.

Tim comes in and wants to play poker with us, so we explain the rules and get into the game. I watch him, his eyes are wild, he is erratic and animated. Indeed, a curious state for alcohol. The game finally winds down, Chris comes back into the house and we settle about the table to talk about their visit to see Grandfather.

Immediately, Tim relates how Grandfather made a comment to him about how he let him down, the last time he came up to visit. Tony gets irritated and turns to Chris and Nick, asking if he stood up for Tim, to which they state that they said nothing. Tim says "no, I deserved it." Tony gets ticked and says no one deserves that kind of picking and proceeds to get more upset. Chris starts telling Tony that "I want you to go visit him, for me." Tony says that he planned to see him, but that he would see him when he was ready, and for him not to tell him what to do. Mom starts explaining that she has had problems going to see him herself since he last went into the hospital and nearly died from his relationship with his crooked caretaker. Chris looks at her and tells her he doesn't believe anything that happened during that time - the fact that his caretaker took over $15,000 from Grandfather, that he wasn't eating, nor taking his medicine correctly, that he ended up in the hospital nearly dead in insulin shock. He further comments on how he felt it was wrong for mom to force Grandfather into the hospital and for Tony to have flown to Ohio at the time to take control of Grandfather's finances (which is how we discovered the caretaker stealing the money and using credit cards.)

They both blow up, screaming at Chris and Tim, Nick leaves the room for the living room. "How dare you question something that had to be done to keep him alive. Where were you?" Chris immediately changes the subject, talking about how it didn't upset him to hear Grandfather talking that way to Tim. A gasket breaks in my head again, I look at him and say, "Yeah, you are so not upset that you spend the last two hours at the bar and since, drinking your ass off." I stand and walk out of the kitchen, ignoring his "You don't understand anything." I don't understand anything... I was only here doing the things that you should have been doing to help your sisters and brother with your father... I don't understand a damn thing.

I start watching the movie in the living room, listening to Tony and Mom go at it with Tim and Chris in the kitchen. Lisa kept perching on the edge of the couch, looking through the opening to see if mom was alright in the midst of the yelling, I kept waving her down, "Stay out of it. She is fine." Clearly she isn't used to fireworks like I am.

I hear Chris sobbing, as if his head were on his arms on the table, muffled, "You just don't understand, he's my father... I saw what Grandfather did to him... you just don't understand." I roll my eyes, disbelieving the circle continuing on. God I am sick of this. Mom tells him he is full of crap. "You have no excuses for this. You chose everything." and "You aren't going to dictate to me that what I did was wrong, when you refused to get involved."

Tony basically tells them both to go to hell. Mom leaves the room, Tony comes out to watch the movie. Chris and Tim make some drinks and go out to the garage to smoke, talking to Rita. I walk out there to get a pepsi for Tony (who needs a fridge when your garage keeps everything colder anyway). Rita makes a funny comment, I naturally laugh and turn to go... Chris makes a comment and mocks my laugh, digging at me again. I think of what an ass he is as I close the door and return to the living room.

Rita and Sara make up the bed and go to sleep. Chris stumbles in late and falls asleep on the mattress in the living room. Tim comes upstairs and sleeps in the extra bed. Nick falls asleep in a chair (that has to hurt). I pray it all ends soon.

Posted by Ravennacht at 03:42 PM

November 25, 2005

Thanksgiving Visit

I waited with anxiety for the arrival of my Uncles and cousin from Florida, most of the day. It is awkward to feel apprehension at a visit from family, but in light of recent activities, more than understandable. The whirlwind tour of the Uncles was much a last minute thing, precipitated largely by the oldest of those coming, Tony. I suspect his motivations were based in the good, a desire to ensure that he and his younger brothers were able to visit with Grandfather, likely a final opportunity many of them would have to see their father. Not that the old man is ill, life's choices for the three youngest boys tends to keep them away for years, a stretch of time not ensured to their father.

I remember Tony's call, asking if it would be okay to bring the other boys with him. Trepidation coursed through me like a circuit. Years have passed with the three youngest of the troupe delving into a litany of abuse - drugs, alcohol, gambling - a facet of the darkside I have always tried to stay away from, to keep out of our house. Tony had given the two youngest jobs at his pool company, but had met with continuous problems in their choices - taking the company vehicles to casinos, drinking and driving with the company cars, not showing up for work, being drunk, using drugs, running out of money and wanting advances, leaving early, being all-around problematic in the office. It was apparant that Tony was nearing the end of his limit with them, I suspected he was coming partially to have backup in dealing with them.

We had many discussions here before we returned his call. Foremost being the mandate that there was to be no drinking at the house whatsoever, nor returning to the house drunk. Points to which Tony agreed and said he would relay to the others.

They all arrived late the day before Thanksgiving in a rented SUV, Tony and Tyler wearing short sleeved shirts and shorts (no coats), irrespective of the below zero windchill and mass of ice upon the ground. I walked outside and greeted them, taking a couple of coats out to them as I passed. Tim jumped out and hugged me, saying how glad he was there, having just the day before leaving the drug rehab unit to come with the boys. Nick went to work getting the luggage, while Chris exited the vehicle. He was sluggish and obviously tired, having "not slept the night before". I let it pass, I only have suspiciouns anyway.

I had to combat my feelings of being uncomfortable as I brought them inside, carrying some luggage for them. I am not the best conversationalist, I have always hated entertaining - I silently prayed mom would get home soon. We exchanged the usual small talk, with Nick and Chris commenting on how big the house was now. Years before they had come to Ohio for their mother's funeral, before our last round of enlarging renovations to the house. Tony and Tyler immediately settled into the loveseat with their computers. I showed them the rooms throughout the house, and the spare bedroom upstairs.

Mom got home finally, as did Lisa, and we settled in to make dinner. After dinner, while getting the plastic bags to put away the food, Lisa inadvertently revealed where the licquor cabinet was while Chris was in the room. It was a matter of an hour before he and Tim were fixing drinks. I was instantly furious, but mother said nothing, and I, not owning the house, felt no right to complain. Silently stewing, I went through the rest of the night with the two of them emptying a couple bottles, without comment nor asking of permission. We had set up a table and heater in the garage for the smokers, where they spent many hours, with their drinks and cigarettes. As it grew later, they became more irate and obnoxious, I basically avoided them, getting more and more furious as the time passed. Nick came to me and asked to use my car, to which I refused, saying that I disallow anyone to use my car since I had lost a vehicle to someone before that way. (nor was I feeling compelled to risk being held responsible for any drunk driving incident should they get into an accident)

Later, Mother comes and asks for my keys, saying she is going to lend them the car anyway, because Tony didn't add the younger boys to the rental vehicle as drivers (gee, wonder why). I silently fume, get my keys and hand them to her, telling her that I am going upstairs for the rest of the night because I am less than pleased.

I stayed upstairs working on school stuff getting more incensed by the moment, able to hear them carrying on thru the air vent in the floor to the kitchen just below. Unfortunately, I have a high propensity to become more and more fixated upon a thought, in this circumstance, I became more and more threatened by their drinking and the potential misuse of the car. Ian and Mary Ann showed up, I stayed upstairs. He came upstairs and talked to me about helping with the wedding invitation list, to which I agreed, wanting the distraction.

I returned downstairs into the kitchen, ignoring Chris' jibes to get my attention. Nick made a comment, asking if everything was alright, to which I answered that "no, it is not." I grabbed the rolodex and went out into the living room with Ian, Mom and Mary Ann and helped decide on the invitations to be sent for our side of the family. Ian and Mary Ann had planned to stay the night, but as time passed, they noticed that there weren't enought places to sleep, so the left and returned to Columbus.

By around 1am, Chris struggled up the stairs to the spare bedroom, while the others settled down to sleep downstairs on extra mattresses. I didn't get any sleep at all until around 5 in the morning, listening to Chris groaning the whole night, clearly in pain. It was only the year before that he had revealed that he bleeds when he drinks, his esophageal tract bleeding, likely his stomach as well. I had noticed scabrous skin on his arms and neck he was hiding with long sleeves and collars. God, this is what someone looks like that is killing himself with alcohol. Why doesn't he care. My thoughts were racing again... what was I going to do.

I woke up the next morning (Thanksgiving) and got dressed quickly. I went downstairs, trying to make it a new day and calm down. I walked immediately into some of them already drinking. Something snapped inside me. I came back upstairs, gathered my books and hunted for my suitcase. I returned downstairs to the kitchen and asked mom for my keys, which she returned. While I was downstairs, Tim asked if I was alright, I said "no". Rita and Sara arrived in the interim. I went thru the master bedroom to use the other bathroom, as Nick was taking a shower. Mom came in and shut the door. "You seem upset, what is wrong." I contemplated saying nothing, just telling her I was leaving for Columbus, but I had had enough with it. The volcano erupted with me explaining to her that I didn't have time to deal with the drunken binges, the fact that it was being ignored, nor that it was being accepted. Rita walked in, leaving the door open, I saw Nick looking around the corner, hearing my ever-raising voice. At this point, I didn't really care. I explained that I wasn't lending a vehicle to people that can't refrain from drinking and clearly don't care about drunk driving and if she felt the need to give them a vehicle, then she could sacrifice her own car (something I didn't want to happen, but is beyond my control). Rita pipes in about the car shouldn't be risked like that. I lose it further, telling mom that I don't know how she can look the other way and watch them walk into the house, never ask if it is even alright to drink and just delve into the licquor cabinet like it's their own. She was stone-faced, no emotions whatsover, it was clear to me that she didn't know what to say. I never had to grow up with alcoholic parents, a statement I made, nor was I going to deal with their bullshit any longer in a house that had never had it before, nor would. She said she didn't want me to leave. I told her I would think about it, but they were not getting the car, regardless of what she said. I had projects and homework to complete for school on top of all of this... I wasn't going to be made to dwell in this alcoholic cesspool at my detriment. I left the room and slammed the door.

Tim stops me in the kitchen and asks me if I am pissed at him. I didn't answer, Chris refuses to meet my eye, walks with his drink to the garage for a cigarette. Whatever.

Posted by Ravennacht at 02:41 PM

October 09, 2005

Congratulations are in Order

It is now official. As of October 1, 2005, my little brother, Ian, is engaged to his girlfriend, Mary Ann Wheeler. She has a nice sized glaciar on her finger, weighing down her hand. Not sure when they are setting their sights for the ceremony, but it may be in Spring sometime.

He shared a funny anecdote relating to the engagement. Mary Ann called him at work (after they got engaged). He answered his cell phone "This is William", and she says, "Hello, William, this is your girlfriend." He hung up on her... not allowed to talk to girlfriends anymore when you have a fiance'. It was too hilarious, thank god she has a great sense of humor.

He's also adopted refering to her as his "fianSe" (pronounced as FIE-AN-S). He likes to be bizarre.

Posted by Ravennacht at 09:45 PM

September 22, 2005

Memorial Gift Giving

I am one of those people that enjoy giving special gifts to people, especially in my family. Usually this doesn't necessarily entail a purchased mainstream product... I like things that connotate meaning, have a memory attached, etc. Usually I get these inspirations out-of-the-blue during conversations, internally thinking "wouldn't it be neat if you could do this for this person."

I keep a mental list of things I would like to do for people. Granted I don't have a lot of money right now, I still intend to do them all. Believe it or not, my list is pretty small now... I've managed to scrape and scringe for a good many things I always wanted to do. An example you say?

My mother was married to my father for 13 years before she was divorced. She still had her wedding ring, which was fairly gnarled and unworn. She always said she would like to have it made into a necklace someday so she could wear it... well that triggered my wheels to turning and...

Enter the mother's ring that my brother and I had made for her. The center stone is from her wedding/engagement ring. There are twelve other stones (six diamonds and six rubies - you can't see them all on this mock-up picture). Thirteen stones for thirteen years. Also, my birthstone is diamond, my brother, Ian's, is ruby. She was thrilled to death and wears it everyday, shows it off at work, to her siblings etc. Took quite a bit of sneaking about and running around to get it made for her, but well worth the effort in the end.

While my grandmother was sick, I took it upon myself to hunt down a special, limited book, which pretty much was a historical/pictorial tome concerning the village of her birth. It took me months to find it and send it down there to her. But I was so happy when I did, I even wrote a long letter to her telling her about all the hurdles in place before I finally got my greedy hands on the copy. She died shortly afterward, not really able to enjoy the effort, but I was thankful that I had accomplished my wish nonetheless.

Latest project in the works: I have successfully scanned just about every family photo I can lay my grubby hands upon from our house, and my grandmother's stash. I have several new articles scanned. I have even have access to two boxes of material at my Great Aunt Irva's to go through. This is not counting the ancestral information I have collected as well. I am pondering upon making it all into a nice book for all the family members for christmas sometime. I shall have to come up with a means to write down more family stories though, as two of the senior members (Aunt Irva and Grandfather) won't be about forever, and they are the only ones still about with the old stories and memories.

Got a few more ideas up my sleeve... both involve trips I would like to make to Germany and another I would like to send my mother to Hawaii on. Both are more as a means of a revisiting of the places she has been before. I think it would be great for her to relive that stuff and tell us how things were, what has changed, etc.

I don't know... a part of me likes the challenge of making such things happen. I get a rush out of seeing stuff that takes work and means something more to someone on their face when they see it.

Posted by Ravennacht at 12:30 AM

September 02, 2005

It's No Baloney, It's All Candy!

Recent diggings through the family clippings and boxes of sundry treasures led to the rediscovery of a clip from a newspaper from about 1972, concerning my grandfather's candy making prowess at his old shop in Russells Point called Ye Olde Candy Shoppe.

You see, my grandfather hit upon the idea of making candy... in the form of sundry meats (bologna, sausage, salami, bratwurst, etc.) And I assure you, its all true (see pictures below). It seems our family was on a personal mission to defeat the food pyramid on behalf of all children.

If you can imagine it, the cocanut candy bratwurst, sausages, etc. were quite popular at the regional fairs. People of the time were quite intruiged by the candy sweetness found in the seemingly normal meaty fair.

The candy was cooked in in copper kettles holding 35 to 85 pounds. After hardening, it is shaped into cheese, hamburger, wieners, sandwiches, saurkraut, etc. The candy usually sold for about $1.25/pound. (Confidentially, the wraps for making the sausage formed candy were actual casings, and we all know what those are, cackle).

My uncles (Tony (12), John M. (15) and Harry (15)) all worked at the candy shoppe while they were still living in Ohio. Gotta love cheap, live-in slave labour.

Posted by Ravennacht at 10:20 PM

August 29, 2005

Family Lines

I have been doing some rather extensive ancestral digging of late. Been sending out loads of e-mails to distant peripheral relations that I do not even know for information. I have learned quite a few intruiging things.

It seems that my grandmother's branch of the family not only traces back to Francis Scott Key, through her father's side, but also traces back to the Plantagenet rulers of England and William the Conqueror on her mother's side.

No wonder there's so many mental instabilities in the family. Freaking inbred royals mucking up the family lines!

It currently seems that a good portion of our line is Swiss (Claude family), French/English (Tilghman), English (Key) and German (Franz). Ack, the french.

I have also located one family crest so far (Tilghman), when I get the scanner working again, I shall throw it on site.

Posted by Ravennacht at 11:55 AM

August 20, 2005

Baseball Career Tracking

Enter issue two of Family Research.

Our great aunt, Irva, has related that our Great Grandfather Irving D. Claude, used to play Major League Baseball at some point during his lifetime.

I have seen some pictures of him pitching, however I have no years with which to trace from. Additionally, it seems that he used a wide degree of nicknames to play under which further exagerate the problem. It also doesn't help when he's one of those four legal namers! Irving Desmond Claire Claude. Shoot me now!

I have been told that he played for the Baltimore Orioles, however, have had no luck in finding a mention of him as yet. Kinda difficult when you can't nail down a year. I have one old picture with him in a Loco or Loca jersey. He spent a goodly amount of time working at the Panama Canal, so he may have gotten that picture then. There is also a local minor league team here in Lima called the LOCOS (locomotive reference), however I am uncertain when they were formed, whether he even came to Lima to play, etc.

Confuzzled and discombobulated. I wonder if there is a book with rosters for baseball somewhere.

Posted by Ravennacht at 12:47 PM

Geneological Tracing to Francis Scott Key

I spent the better part of yesterday, well into the wee hours of the morning (4am) tracking down geneological books on Francis Scott Key. I finally stumbled upon a wealth of online copies of geneological books tracing much of the lineage down to a point where I can link within one descendant, lineage to Francis Scott Key.

There is nothing more frustrating than having a puzzle missing one more piece. I was able to trace down, by descent, to Francis Scott Key's Grandchild, Generation Three, (Mary Nevitt Steel) who married Dennis Claude (which is where our family comes in). There is no reference to any of their children though, they just fall off the map. So I had to go backwards by ascension from ours, and got up to Herbert Claude (Generation 5)

I have separate confirmation from another lineage book that Herbert Claude is the greatgreatgrandson of Francis Scott Key.

All I have to do is find that missing Generation 4, linking Dennis Claude to Herbert Claude, and wala, all done with family link to Francis Scott Key, and vicariously to F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Of course, I could have completely flubbed up and missed another "Claude" relative in there somewhere that tracks to a different child of Key, but I didn't find one on a search of two separate lineage charts. On the flipside, all of the information we were ever told could be wrong and we may not be related at all... though I doubt that from what my grandmother and great aunt have ever told me.

Enter mad rush of emails to my Great Aunt Irva for information about who may have been her great grandfather. If this doesn't work, I'm going to have to dig for public records.

Headache, headache, headache.

Posted by Ravennacht at 12:43 PM

June 27, 2005

Overdose

Just found out that Tim tried to commit suicide, overdose on Ativan. I swear to god, I have had enough.

I fucking hate drugs, I fucking hate alcohol, I fucking hate abuse. God damnit.

Posted by Ravennacht at 11:18 AM

Post Surgery

I am exhausted. Been up nonstop making sure Mom is okay after these surgeries, doing my usual fretting. She now has a 1-2 inch vertical incision from the bottom of her bottom lip to the underside of her chin. Naturally she had to show it to me (she's such a nurse), it's quite a scar. At least this time it was not as deep as the last cancer. She's quite a sport but I can tell when someone is in pain (red watery eyes yadda yadda yadda)

One would think that her siblings would call and ask after her, but noone bothered til today, and even then they gave a cursory ask after and then delved into their own issues. I give up.

I even gave in and went and got her cigarettes, one of my cardinal personal rules.

Kinda hard to concentrate on too much right now. Doesn't help much to have to deal with poison ivy in 90+ degree weather either. I'm ready to take a blowtorch to my legs just to get it over with.

I'm annoyed at my family right now, extremely annoyed. I'm definitely in my protective mode. Snappy and cranky as hell.

Thanks for the e-mail kitty, I appreciate the concern, I definitely needed that.

Posted by Ravennacht at 12:08 AM

June 14, 2005

Polygraphs, poison ivy and back pain, oh my.

Got news from the Floridian front. T*** has passed his polygraph test concerning the possible involvement with M***. Good news. He has scheduled to come up here for two weeks at the end of the month. Hopefully that will make him feel a little better.

Poison ivy is rampant, on the arms, on my foot, on my face. I am ready to start gnawing off body parts like a fox in a trap. This really sucks. I didn't touch the freaking plant, yet one brush of a cloth that did and wallah, you gets it. Acid... alcohol... scalding water... anything to get this itch gone!

I spent most of Saturday pushing gravel about with a rake, shovelling stone into a barrow and moving aforementioned instrument about the yard at the direction of the foreman, my mother. This naturally precipitated a nice stiff back, severe muscle pain and plenty of agonizing nights since. Aleve is my friend!

Posted by Ravennacht at 01:10 AM

June 04, 2005

Bad News

The ante was upped today in the department of family dramas.

Tony, second oldest uncle, called today and said that his ex-wife, Susan, has accused Tony's son, T***, of molesting their daughter, M***.

No idea what is going on. All I know is that Susan has always hated T*** (who is 14), even to the point while she was still married to Tony of having all his pictures removed from the house and not allowing him anywhere near the baby.

I have taken care of T*** since he was born (which was on my birthday 20 years ago), I talk to him often. He's intelligent, he's caring, he's a good boy. I hope this isn't true. I don't believe it until I see proof. The poor guy is a wreck. He is going to be taking a lie detector test this coming week(s) sometime.

As for M*** (3), I hope she hasn't been abused by anyone. And if she has, that person needs to fry.

Posted by Ravennacht at 01:02 PM

June 02, 2005

Circle that Never Breaks

For the past two weeks my second youngest Uncle, Tim, has been staying with us. He is 40 years old. He is addicted to crack, cocaine, marijuana, alcohol and prescription medications. He has dealt drugs since he was 12 years old. He has used since he was 14-16. He suffers from bipolar disorder and is on full disability for his mental disorders.

Spending time with him this week has been okay. The first four days were very stressful owing to the fact that he slept nonstop, waking only to eat and use the facilities. It is hard to know how to deal with this, when this is normal for the person. One of his regular low periods where he sleeps forever.

The fourth day he wakes up and is fairly normal. He arranged to go to grandfather's house (which got him pretty worked up, which works up all of us anyway). He had intended to spend the night there, but felt weird during the day and came back, with grandfather's car. He's been here ever since, staying.

I am glad that he has attended a Narcotic's Anonymous or Alcoholic's Anonymous meeting just about every other night since he has been here. By and large, has also been able to talk a lot and openly concerning grandfather's deteriorating health, the decisions that will need to be made for his care in the future, and even his own drug dependency issues as he tries to work through them.

Today we dropped the car back off at grandfather's. He was all worked up and anxious about it, which tends to bring up all the drug/alcohol thoughts to deal with it.

I feel drained right now. I have been stressed every time Tim has left and stayed out late. I guess it is just the same old feeling of wondering if he is going to be strong enough to say "no" this time. To have someone who is only 6 years older than me, who is in this state of barely existing, severely dependent... it just frightens me.

I grew up watching severe drug use, alcohol abuse, out of my uncles, my grandparents, and even my parents at points. This led to countless physical fights, mental abuse, and any other number of issues that come from people that are just not all there. I grew up in a constant state of fear, uncertainty, dread, overpowering anticipation of anything bad... most of all, it made me not to be like them.

I don't touch alcohol. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. Never have. The problem is, that it is within me to want to escape... to take that easy road and just do it. That is something that I fight daily... the want to escape it all. I am afraid of that. I hate that. To see them all... my uncles, aunts, grandparents, etc continually choosing that road is very exhausting to deal with, especially when you are trying to fight it off on your own.

The dependency never seems to end. Even when they want it to... even when they fight it still reclaims them. Sometimes I wonder if there is any hope. Sometimes I wonder when the last time will be when I will see them alive.

I have lost much to these things. I don't know who these people are without dependency. I don't know when what they say is the drug talking or it is their real opinions. I was robbed of familial support, familial contact, the normal things you would expect from a supportive family, because the majority of them are still in a stupor, just short of sleeping in the gutter with a needle in their arm. I still resent this.

Posted by Ravennacht at 10:49 PM

May 25, 2005

Car Wreck x 2

Mary Ann, my brother's girlfriend, was in a car wreck today. Only less than two weeks after her plastic surgery no less. She is okay, thank god. This is the second car wreck for her in a little less than over a year.

http://www.parilis.org/maw/

Posted by Ravennacht at 10:30 PM

May 24, 2005

Sleepover... or not

Poor Timmy. He had planned to spend the next few days with grandfather at Pam's (grandfather's care-giver and resident house slave) house. He got so worked up over night, kept getting up every half hour. (this from the man that was sleeping from Thursday to Sunday night straight aside from eating and bathroom breaks). He only made it a few hours today before he showed back up at the house with his suitcase in hand. Definitely is not a conducive environment over there for sleepovers.

Posted by Ravennacht at 12:14 AM

May 09, 2005

Mother's Day Visit

Ian and Mary Ann showed up yesterday for a visit, which is nice for mother to spend time with him. I wasn't in much of a mood for company, I was having one of my "light and sound" sensitivity issues where everything feels like it will push me over the edge, but I dealt with it.

A good amount of the conversation had to do with Mary Ann's upcoming plastic surgery on this Tuesday. I hope all goes well for her, for whatever she claims, it still is a surgery and all surgerys are serious. She entered into a profound question and answer session with mother over the skin cancer issue. I still am not certain if she understands how serious it is and can be, nor that a lot of people really do. But at least she asked questions and showed interest in what was going on in that area.

They had come from father's house earlier, so naturally they had to talk about him and his current state of existence (a topic to which I pay little mind nor care to). I could write volumes on the subject, but why dredge the sludge.

It was good to visit with Ian. I just wish he could learn to leave work at work more. Once he gets onto a subject he talks as if he's presenting at a conference.

I spent the majority of the day doing chores about the property. Laying these huge yard tiles in the dog cage so the area can be hosed out. Mowing the grass. Transporting all the power tools (and we have an astronomically insane number of them) from the garage to the barn. Put all the hand tools away into the tool bin (no one EVER puts tools away in this house, it drives me insane, they just buy more). Basically dreg work.

I was rewarded by an assassination attempt being made on my car. And fate of fates, it was the same issue that led to my Mustang getting set fire to before (some people have such short memories). The truck battery had gone dead. Before I even got up, the Probe was moved and put into place to jump it (never mind that the truck is way larger and requires way more juice to power it).. hence when they try to jump start the truck off my car, it kills my car power and ends up starting smoke rising from the wires.

I of course freaked, because this same thing happened with the Mustang and led to a fire. And being the paranoid shit I am, I get overwhelmed with thoughts of the car blowing up as I am driving somewhere or it catching on fire as I am in an intersection, yada yada yada... so naturally I am just a bit frustrated that the issue occurred again without much forethought as to consequences again.

Needless to say, a mechanic was called to the house and the error was fixed on both vehicles.

Posted by Ravennacht at 12:04 AM

May 05, 2005

Innocent Pleas

Julian called today. I believe he needs a great deal of reassurance in how to deal with Christopher, now more than ever. He doesn't know how to relate to someone who drinks so much, does drugs, is so very angry, potentially violent, uncaring.

Most of all he was concerned that if he chose to distance himself from Christopher for the time being that that might mean that he wasn't welcome here either. We reassured him that he was always part of the family (he is Chris stepson but has been in the family forever). We even offered to send him money to fly up from Florida when he wants (which they all seem to want to come when its snowing for some sillay reason).

I could so kick Christopher's arse right now. It's a day for frustration, I can feel it.

Posted by Ravennacht at 01:50 AM

May 01, 2005

Calls from the Mad State

Christopher called today and talked to mother for two hours straight. He is the third youngest Uncle. The whole conversation was a mixture of screaming and yelling and crying.

Apparently he has finally entered into an alcoholic treatment program. Since his divorce, he has steadily gone downhill, abusing alcohol, cocaine and who knows what else.

His stepson, whom my mother still treats as a nephew even though Chris divorced from his mother, is graduating this year. Mother had asked Chris was J's address was, and got the "what would you want that for" response. When she indicated that she wanted to send him a card to celebrate graduation, he responds, "If you feel that's what you need to do"

Which precipitated the whole tirade of what exactly he meant about that and what his big problem was.

Yet again he descends to his blaming of others for his own issues. Blaming J for standing up to him and telling him that his behaviour (drinking) scared him and didn't make him feel safe to be around him. Now Chris is all pissed off at him for saying it to him and wants to distance himself from him and act like its his problem, not his own.

Naturally mother proceeds to throw reality in his face, which Chris doesn't like. How he IS a drunk and how is it an 18 year old's fault to question or state what they are concerned about.

Chris flies into his nonsensical tirades about how his past has messed everything up. How he has never had anyone tell him he's an alcoholic until mother did. How he's tired of women always taking advantage of him (he regularly refers to them as b****** and worse). Piling on multiple disparaging comments concerning homosexuals as well (never mind that two of his siblings are homosexuals).

I listened to pieces of the conversation, listening to my mother try to break through to her own brother that HE controls how he acts, not his past. How HE chose to make the decisions he did, and even CURRENTLY does. And all he can do is blame everyone else and blow up.

After mother get's so incensed she starts crying, she finally ends the call (he questioned her decisions concerning distancing herself from grandfather to keep from getting more abuse). He calls back an hour or two later asking if she is okay now and if he threw her over the edge. He had apparantly talked to Nick about their conversation and had time to stew.

Some people are so thick it takes a shovel to WHACK things into their head.

Posted by Ravennacht at 09:40 PM

April 22, 2005

Grief, at Rest

It has taken me years to get to the point where I am starting to feel okay with the loss of my grandmother. It was within the waning hours of August 30, 1993, when she finally succumbed to the debilitating effects of lung cancer. A terrible wasting effect that left her a shadow of her former irrascible, cantankerous, normal self.

For years August has been the worst time of the year for me. Even in later years I would never understand why I was having a hard time dealing with things, being irritable, all around disturbed til it would hit me that it was yet again the anniversary and the subconscious was going crazy.

My sadness was anger so often. I resented the fact that she never took treatment early. That for so long she denied anything was wrong, never telling us, only saying she was having one of her "spells". She was a nurse for crying out loud, who knows the signs of these things as well as a nurse? But I would then feel guilty for being angry with her decisions. What right did I have to feel resentment over my loss when she had the ultimate loss, she did the suffering. Yet we are the ones still here.

Now, as I look at the whole thing, I have grown to the following conclusions. She still is with me, in heart and in head. She has not left me nor will she ever. Her spirit lives on and has been beating me about the head for years to get me to notice it. She is the "shove", the proverbial "boot in the ass" that has been driving me to actions that I have avoided.

I also see the last days and understand her decisions differently now. Perhaps she didn't want to tell us, because she didn't want us to believe that she had given up. It was her character to step forward, to fight... perhaps this was her way of fighting, never accepting the fact that she was terminal. I can accept that now. My anger is gone.

I have also seen dignity in her passing. I have never cried since her death at a funeral. Not because I am not sad, but because I do not believe the person is there anymore. No longer chained to this mortal coil. No longer suffering. I have seen many people die, I cannot fully explain how spiritual it is, you can 'feel' the spirit released. Watching the recent news concerning John Paul II as he gave his final goodbyes and showed the world how he wished to pass, with dignity... I was only reminded again.

These are the lessons of death. I understand them and accept them for myself. I am content.

Posted by Ravennacht at 12:47 AM

April 19, 2005

The cancer is back. Surgery is scheduled for June. I feel sick.

Posted by Ravennacht at 11:21 AM

April 17, 2005

War of the Anthonys

Rita (aunt) and Sara (cousin) came over today. They haven't been over for quite a while. Immediately after arriving, they jumped into a huge fight at the dinner table.

My cousin, who is 17, has been dating a 16 year old who we have come to learn was beating her, was all around abusive and basically schizophrenic. She finally broke up with his crazy ass this last week. Since then he has been calling the house trying to talk to her, talking to my aunt and basically ticking Sara off.

Now to really give you a feel of this situation, I feel I have to describe my aunt just a bit more indepth. She has always been very reclusive, almost out of touch with this world. She married young and lived with her husband in a trailer with no phone and no car for 14 years before finally having Sara. After grandmother died, she tried to commit suicide. She is now on prozac and lithium, has not received any form of therapy whatsoever and sleeps til noon about every day. She has a good heart, and helps anyone in need, but cannot go out, has no/few friends.

For some reason she lives her life as if Sara's doing everything for her, at least thats what it seems to me. A vicarious shadow that her daughter is continuously rebelling against.

So today Sara was explaining how she wishes Rita wouldn't talk to him on the phone anymore. All Rita kept saying was that he needed help and she was trying to help him. Never mind that they both had already called his parents about his threats etc, and disregarding the fact that Sara had said that she feels that he is more important to her than her own daughter is. Then Sara says that he has been beating on her for a while and making threats before she finally broke up with him. Rita's comments are that she doesn't believe her, and that she probably did something to deserve it, and why didn't she say something before if that was happening.

I had had enough at that point and basically told her that she should reconsider what she had just said and think about who she was related to, her daughter or her daughter's ex, when it came to who she should care more about.

She didn't even look at me, just did her tone out thing, no eye contact, the usual. Im fairly sure she didn't hear me anymore than she hears Sara, but at least Sara heard me. I told her directly that she should not allow any man to do such things to her. That she deserves better.

Posted by Ravennacht at 10:19 PM

April 11, 2005

Culinary Invitation

My cousin graduated from culinary school a while ago. She has since married another chef, and together with his brother, who also happens to be a chef, they are all opening a restaurant in South Carolina.

About May, we likely will be taking a jaunt down there to partake in the opening ceremonies. I expect it will be a great time, and I will be really happy to see her again after so long.

I am trying to connive a means of getting their half sister (I really shudder to use "step" and "half" terms, I think they are ridiculous characterizations in family amongst siblings) and take her with us when we go to suprise her. I am fairly sure they both would like that a lot since they really don't get to see each other much.

The big key will be in nabbing my brother long enough to get him to go along. I imagine I shall have to pull rank and make him take vacation time. *grin*

Posted by Ravennacht at 12:06 AM