I approached my attendance at the wedding completely from a standpoint of this being for my brother. I could swallow my discomfort and irritation for the space of a day and try to wear a nice mask for the sake of his day. I remember it becoming my mantra as I got closer and closer to the event, "This isn't about you. You can do this."

The day finally arrived and naturally I had a complete meltdown before I even left the house. Delving into the depths of that fugued mental state when nothing really makes sense and everything causes a panic.

Tony had flown into Ohio to attend the wedding, bringing his girlfriend and her 2 year-old along. They decided to drive up to our house, from Columbus where they were staying, just to visit grandfather... wanting us to "honk" as we passed on our way to Columbus for the wedding so they could follow us back.

Ian calls and wants me to burn a copy of all of our family photos to cd for father, just as we are about to leave out the door (literally we were loading the cars at that very moment). The request throws me a loop, automatically irritating me on multiple levels, but I just take a breath and go do as was requested, not trying to invest too much thought into it.

Given that we were to be at Columbus by 6pm for the rehearsal, we left at 4pm and stopped along the way to honk to get him to come out. No appearance, so we left and made our way on to Columbus, to be in time for the wedding. I had opted out of driving, as I was completely bound and tied by that point, freaking out. Rita and Sara rode with mom in her car, I rode with Lisa in hers.

We made it to the hotel just about 5:45pm, and I helped drag Rita and Sara's suitcases up the elevator and to their rooms, which I was going to be sharing with them. Neither helped my drag their stuff, which only escalated a back strain I had suffered from working during the week. Get to the door, and get them in, to have the first question be, "where are the ashtrays". "There are no ashtrays, this room is non-smoking." Enter tirade herein. "What do you mean there are no ashtrays? Where do we smoke at?" "You can go outside to smoke or go to one of the other rooms." "What does that mean?" "This room is nonsmoking because I dont smoke and you were sharing a room with ME. Mom's room is nonsmoking because she is sharing a room with an asthmatic. Cheryl's room is the only smoking room. If you want to smoke, go down there or go outside. Columbus is a non-smoking city now, so if you go to the restaurant, you can't smoke in there either... so just remember that, okay." "Well... I don't see why she should get the smoking room!" "She got the smoking room because we paid for the rooms and she was given the smoking room... look, i have to go, the reception is in like 5 minutes." Enter the half-cough thing people do when they are irritated. Click. Shut door, run down to find mother and leave for the rehearsal shaking my head in growing frustration already. Muttering to myself that I could care less about fucking cigarrette smoking at this juncture knowing what is coming.

We head off to the church which turns out to be a newly constructed barn next to the old historical presbyterian church. All exposed-polished wood, very open, airy, bright, with a terrace about the whole interior for a lofty type accent for chorus/band on second exposed level. It was quite beautiful.

I walk into the church, behind mother, and see my father sitting in the front of the church, second row. Ian and Mary Anne are in the front of the church already rehearsing stuff. Clench of jaw, stride to front row and sit down, ignoring his presence, even though I can feel him breathing down my neck just behind me. Given that I have no part in the wedding, I am pretty much free to watch the others as they figure out who is walking whom down the aisle when, and who is doing what on which cue. Naturally there is plenty of bantering going on... which as usual, I don't partake in... when my father erupts with one of his usual cackles from just behind me, loud enough to feel myself subconsciously rising to get away from him before I stop. Count minutes til I can just get away from the whole situation.

The rehearsal ends and everyone decides they want us to drive to the hall to see the directions and such and then go to Ian and Mary Anne's apartment before going to the restaurant. This starts to get me concerned, as I had not been able to eat all day, and already my sugar was starting to cause me problems with all the tension. The headache had already come, with the 'weak' feeling starting. Definite trouble coming.

We go to the hall first, where the lady is still trying to get things completed. It was quite a large hall, with chandeliers, plenty of round tables (more than I could count) all arranged with multiple chairs shrouded in cloth. A huge bar was set against the far side of the room with a full wall-length mirror which had been frosted with Ian and Mary Anne's names and the wedding date. All-in-all it was quite impressive. I made a point of avoiding father... even when he made several moves in my direction, I directed a level gaze at him and moved off, not interested.

Went on to Ian and Mary Anne's apartment where we brought out our family gift. A nice keepsake chest where we had placed several family heirlooms: a handkerchief made by great-grandmother; a pair of gold-rimmed champaigne glasses from great-grandfather's wedding; a pair of leiderhausen that Ian had worn when he was a child; and a family bible that grandmother had bought for him just before she died.

Ian and Mary Anne opened the gifts and were doing their usual "oohing and aaahing" asking questions about what they were and such. Ian gave me "the look" when they saw the bible, which I whispered to him was given to him as Grandmother had gotten one for each of us before she passed away, regardless of any personal religious belief, and just accept it as an heirloom (plus it had family history stuff in it as well). Mary Anne and her parents had a nice laugh over the leiderhausen, wanting explainations, which they thought was pretty interesting when they found out he had worn them... to which father has to chime in... pointing at me... that I had worn them also. Big breath, take a few pictures, just ignore him.

We went on to the dinner, at a restaurant that serves bison... yes, that's right, not beef... BISON. By now, I was in trouble, It was already around 10pm and I had had nothing whatsoever to eat. I was already getting the tremors and was having a hard time concentrating. I sat at the end of the table, and tried to figure out what to get quick to fend it off. I ordered early, ignoring everyone pretty much at the table, asking them to bring it early if possible, before the main meals, then went outside the restaurant and sat on a bench they had there for smokers (ironic, no?). Ian gave me that "what happened now" look when I stood to leave the table and put on my coat. Mom came out and gave me some gum and sat with a cigarette until the food came, then we returned to the table. Lisa whispers that Ian asked if there had been a problem at our end of the table (father was sitting close to our end), I look down at him and shake my head and smile. Still feel bad after eating, weak and tired.

The usual bantering going on while dinner is being eaten. The party is drinking, at the other side of the table, which I don't do, and my father is in the middle of the table doing his usual ruckus laughing and loud speaking. I feel the razor's edge I am walking starting to fray my patience. Jeremy, Ian's best-man, comes up with a game where we are to put in questions, or single words into a hat and the groom/bride are to explain to everyone else what it means... kinda like a "remember when" kind of thing. So several of our childhood stuff gets brought up with my father getting more and more animated and boisterous as it goes on. Finally he comes to one 'memory' that Ian is talking about and looks at me and says, "you were the instigator in all of these things."

Looking back now, and the state I was in... I am somewhat suprised that I even responded to him, as he was pretty much baiting for a reaction from me most of the night... but I looked square at him and said quietly, "that's right, I instigate everything." Levelling as much freezing air into my stare as is possible in a glance. I felt like my teeth were going to shatter in my jaw from all the clenching. So I just turned to Cricket and Gary, Mary Anne's parents, and tried to ignore him. They got up to smoke and I got the usual questions about what was said, which I brushed off and got ready to leave.

We get back to the hotel, thankfully, and I go back to my room with mom, to find all the lights out and Rita and Sara already in bed. A billouos cloud of smoke is still in the air, with tobacco smell everywhere, with makeshift ashtrays on the table filled with spent marlboros. "What the fuck!" I shake my head and just leave the room, not remotely suprised that no one listens to me anyway. I use Ian's room (he decided to stay with Jeremy anyway) and just try to sleep.