Spending time with him this week has been okay. The first four days were very stressful owing to the fact that he slept nonstop, waking only to eat and use the facilities. It is hard to know how to deal with this, when this is normal for the person. One of his regular low periods where he sleeps forever.

The fourth day he wakes up and is fairly normal. He arranged to go to grandfather's house (which got him pretty worked up, which works up all of us anyway). He had intended to spend the night there, but felt weird during the day and came back, with grandfather's car. He's been here ever since, staying.

I am glad that he has attended a Narcotic's Anonymous or Alcoholic's Anonymous meeting just about every other night since he has been here. By and large, has also been able to talk a lot and openly concerning grandfather's deteriorating health, the decisions that will need to be made for his care in the future, and even his own drug dependency issues as he tries to work through them.

Today we dropped the car back off at grandfather's. He was all worked up and anxious about it, which tends to bring up all the drug/alcohol thoughts to deal with it.

I feel drained right now. I have been stressed every time Tim has left and stayed out late. I guess it is just the same old feeling of wondering if he is going to be strong enough to say "no" this time. To have someone who is only 6 years older than me, who is in this state of barely existing, severely dependent... it just frightens me.

I grew up watching severe drug use, alcohol abuse, out of my uncles, my grandparents, and even my parents at points. This led to countless physical fights, mental abuse, and any other number of issues that come from people that are just not all there. I grew up in a constant state of fear, uncertainty, dread, overpowering anticipation of anything bad... most of all, it made me not to be like them.

I don't touch alcohol. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. Never have. The problem is, that it is within me to want to escape... to take that easy road and just do it. That is something that I fight daily... the want to escape it all. I am afraid of that. I hate that. To see them all... my uncles, aunts, grandparents, etc continually choosing that road is very exhausting to deal with, especially when you are trying to fight it off on your own.

The dependency never seems to end. Even when they want it to... even when they fight it still reclaims them. Sometimes I wonder if there is any hope. Sometimes I wonder when the last time will be when I will see them alive.

I have lost much to these things. I don't know who these people are without dependency. I don't know when what they say is the drug talking or it is their real opinions. I was robbed of familial support, familial contact, the normal things you would expect from a supportive family, because the majority of them are still in a stupor, just short of sleeping in the gutter with a needle in their arm. I still resent this.