For years August has been the worst time of the year for me. Even in later years I would never understand why I was having a hard time dealing with things, being irritable, all around disturbed til it would hit me that it was yet again the anniversary and the subconscious was going crazy.

My sadness was anger so often. I resented the fact that she never took treatment early. That for so long she denied anything was wrong, never telling us, only saying she was having one of her "spells". She was a nurse for crying out loud, who knows the signs of these things as well as a nurse? But I would then feel guilty for being angry with her decisions. What right did I have to feel resentment over my loss when she had the ultimate loss, she did the suffering. Yet we are the ones still here.

Now, as I look at the whole thing, I have grown to the following conclusions. She still is with me, in heart and in head. She has not left me nor will she ever. Her spirit lives on and has been beating me about the head for years to get me to notice it. She is the "shove", the proverbial "boot in the ass" that has been driving me to actions that I have avoided.

I also see the last days and understand her decisions differently now. Perhaps she didn't want to tell us, because she didn't want us to believe that she had given up. It was her character to step forward, to fight... perhaps this was her way of fighting, never accepting the fact that she was terminal. I can accept that now. My anger is gone.

I have also seen dignity in her passing. I have never cried since her death at a funeral. Not because I am not sad, but because I do not believe the person is there anymore. No longer chained to this mortal coil. No longer suffering. I have seen many people die, I cannot fully explain how spiritual it is, you can 'feel' the spirit released. Watching the recent news concerning John Paul II as he gave his final goodbyes and showed the world how he wished to pass, with dignity... I was only reminded again.

These are the lessons of death. I understand them and accept them for myself. I am content.