Having nothing to say, to reassure... to ease.

Stuck in this hell of my own devising that will haunt me forever until death, most likely.

I shove it all away, wear this mask.. this facade.

Nothing is ok.

Do I have a clue of what I'm gonna tell him about where I was? No.
Ah well, maybe he won't violate me... doubtful but we'll see..
It's only 4 years, the judge did say if he saw me again he'd violate give me all my time back. Maybe I'll get a degree or something, get another GED cause I lost mine... it's pretty easy. Learn a trade...

Didn't think I'd be writing another one of these so soon...
Not really sure what else there is to say on the matter...

I know I should sleep, tried.. can't, maybe I'll try again soonish. I can try sleeping in the car too, 6 hour drive or so... maybe I'll luck out and be back in a few days... if not, que sera que sera...

Do know you're loved even though I get incredibly stupid... you know who you are. The one thing that makes everything kinda seem ok and who sees me in a light that I don't see so myself and keeps reminding me... maybe it'll turn out ok...

Maybe..

Usually in the heat of the moment... or under considerable stress.

I'm supposed to be out.. I'm not supposed to be here.

I savegely start pinching myself... no, it couldn't have been a dream.
Realizing it has been... it's brings me to tears as I sink to the floor...

Closing them to dislodge the droplets of anguish...
I open them to an alarm clock... here, not there...

I hope I don't make a habit of this.

Looks like I'm gonna be detained for a good bit, a month for my date. Then, dependent on the judge, he may give me some of the 5 years. I'm hoping for none of course, but if I do get any... prolly no more than a year, hoping again.

It's been fun, all my friends you know who you are, and you will all be missed in each of your ways.

Reading that again, it sounds sappy... and like a final farewell...

I was never fond of it, so to me... it's never goodbye, but a see you later.

So, See ya'll later.

Good lord, 400+ comments and maybe 2 are real, and me without the fortitude to delete each and every one individually. Maybe MT needs to come up with a cool checkbox thingee like you have in most webmail apps. Checkbox all the ones, then one nice big shiny delete button. I like poker and all, but not THAT much, and definately don't think I need any penis enlargement or virility drugs.

As for other crap...

Miffed at the lack of respect I guess? I mean if it was me who was handling a situation of that magnitude, I'd have spoken to everyone involved who's name came up... guess that's just me though.

My name turns up, I get implicated in this huge grand scheme of passwords being attained in a shady way and was I ever questioned? Talked to?

No, my name, my project, get's slandered and I nary recieve a word.

A while later yes, it finally comes up by word of mouth, after how long and to how many the lie has been passed to? How many have believed without any evidence to support said claim? I for one, do not know, nor will I ever... for even after learning of it, I tried in my own way, to get to the source of it...

...and was denied. Which makes me wonder thus, Just who are they protecting?

And at the sacrafice of my good name, which yes... wasn't so good a while back, but I have labored to get that changed.. and I have...

Up until now.

"Presumed guilty, let the witch burn."

Recent happenstances have turned me into a self-centered morose little boy, something I'm not to fond of admitting. Tad bit too much drama, and I'm sorry.

The happenings between my parents have really made me think, and I mean really think. The foundation of what I had that was considered "family" were shattered, things going wierd. 23 years of things how they were, and boom... they up and change the formula leaving me with a damn remainder or 3. I know things will be ok, things always end up ok to an extent... "I'll manage."

A term that once was the basis of my life, adaptability, a little bit of apathy, and sequestered emotions. Stuff I definately learned from my parents, I saw it all too much. Things building up till they blew up over something insignificant.

I think that's the reason my dad's flipped 180. Years of little things, instead of communicating them and dealing with them, all have come to a head.

I don't want to follow the same path.
I will not follow the same path.

On a lighter note, Gwar on Oct. 31 in Philly, I'm so there barring any vacations. ;)

Temptations abound though, my house has become like a fully stocked honor bar... except the bottles are way bigger.

It will be tough, but I think I have to break this habit of crawling into a bottle.

Time to get all dressed up and run around with a sword strapped to my back.

Beer, large metal pointy objects, and lots of cleavage. I mean lots.

Good times, good times.

In other news, it is now time to close the store. Another 10 hours lost to capitalism....

Concerts... many good concerts coming forth beginning with...
Motorhead and Zeke. Come on, you can't not like motorhead if you were into any heavy music back in the 80's and 90's, definately a show worth seeing even if Lemmy is getting long in the tooth. Definately a show to get piss drunk at... definately.

Next, Ministry and My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult. Now I haven't heard ministry in a while, meaning... they're newer stuff I have no idea about. Still though, another show to harken me back to the days of my youth. Thrill Kill is just great, I think I'm going to this more for Thrill Kill rather than Ministry.

Next, Rasputina. Now if you haven't heard Rasputina, it's understandable... definately not my usual music choice, but still in my roster of 2nd string. It's goth, but not pretentious I don't think. Chicks playing stringed instruments, and I'm not talking guitars here, how can you go wrong?

Thirdly, or wait... fourthly. KMFDM. One of the unequaled masters of industrial. KMFDM... 'nuff said.

Lastly, or at least some more good stuff comes around. Canniball Corpse. Chris Barnes and Co. One of the progenitors of Tampa Death Metal scene, and pretty much death metals birth. With Napalm Death along with a few others, should be a good show... as always.

In other news, Renn Faire is coming up... should be fun again, yet I think I might've borked it... scheduling my tattoo on the sunday of the faire (I think). I shoulda used a lifeline, but ah well... if I have to reschedule again I will, although I'd dislike too. Not a fan of having to reschedule things, especially when it's because a fault of my own. As it stands, after this one I might be done, (at least for a little while). I've got the ink I want, that means something and I'm happy with that.

I didn't touch on what was intended, but I still feel better... My prostrate thanks me.

I'm a whore.

Not just any whore either, but a corporate whore. A slogan throwing, product using, company paid whore. Ya know why?

Free stuff.

I guess it came after this seminar (2 actually) on Monster brand cables, which my place of employment will now be carrying. We got all this pithy stuff (for free mind you), some of it cool... some just, well... downright stupid and cheasy.
Now free stuff is cool, great even. Yet don't fall into corporate sleazedom as I have. Case in point, Monster branded License Plate frame thingee. It's cheasy, it's kinda stupid, looks neat though, yet... no one in their normally sane mind would ever put this on their car. I was once deadset against the sleaze I know am. Yes... I did place this on the car I use. I now advertise to the world that I'm cheaper and easier than a 10 cent hooker in Singapore.

I think it came from the fact, that albeit I did get the object of my downfall. I got a lot of other cool shit too. T-shirt (which I have worn), Polo Shirt (which I've worn as well), free cables, mouse pad... and that's just from this place!! We won't even go into the Verizon branded t-shirt, Verizon/Sprint/Vonage branded long-sleeve work shirt. (Nice, but no less sleazy) My Verizon swiss army knife, (which I do carry with me sometimes), Motorola keychain (in use) and fleece... and so on and so forth. I even carry around one of the pens with me just in case I need to sign shit... and I have an array, kinda like accessorizing...

God... shoot me now, before I get a disease or something...

To who or what that seems to be watching over me... clearing the true problems from my path, Thank you for the warning... I did understand it.

I will take heed.