Buttercup Blogs

I never said "I love you" to him. But i know i loved him. He begged me to come to the dances with him. And i would say, I can't hear the music, how am i supposed to dance? He never said " oh ok im sorry nevermind". He just looked at me and told me i was coming. He made me realize that nothing could stop me from doing anything i wanted to do. He was pretty popular in school. And by taking me everywhere with him, i soon felt very comfortable around people for the first time in my life. We would go out to the field in front of his house. He lived right along a metro park. And he would bring his telescope out. We would stare at the moon for hours. He would tell me very sweet things. We would always go down by the creek at the park. We even carved our names in a tree. In 8th grade we shared our first kiss under that tree. When i became a freshman in high school, I had a earlier lunch period than Coby. I would sit with some of my friends at lunch. And one day i got into a fight with this girl over softball and her older sister jumped in. She was pretty popular. She was a cheerleader. All the boys liked her. Of course we was all sent to the office where we was warned to not do it again. When i was walking out of the office the older sister turned to me and said "hey deaf girl, I would keep an eye on your boyfriend if i was you." I didn't pay much attention to it. At this time in my life, me and Coby was still close but not in school as much. He hung out with the goth kids. I hung out with the Jocks. But outside of school we was pretty close. I did know he was trying drugs. Not exactly sure what kind of drugs. But i do know that he was also starting to get into some trouble with his parents over staying out to late and stuff. He was starting to change. But he would always find time for me. We did our homework together when he actually would do it. One day instead of going to lunch the Restaurant Management teacher who was my home room teacher asked if i would come in during my lunch hour and help with some stuff. I said yes. So i started walking to the class. On my way i saw Coby. I kinda got on my tippy toes to see if i could get him to notice me but he didn't. When i got up close enough i saw he was holding hands with that cheerleader. I was crushed. If i had went to lunch, i would of never seen it. I followed a little down the hall and he gave her a kiss on the cheek and went into his class. I was so upset. When i got to the class i was crying. The teacher asked what was wrong, but i just told her i would be ok. She left it at that. When i got home i had my sister drive me over to Coby's house but i told her to wait in the car. I let him have it. You have to understand that when i go off on a guy, I can be relentless. I get very personal. And i can apply alot of pressure. Sometimes to the point where i over do it. Finally he said.. Look!!! Me and her communicate very well together. We have a connection. And i just blew up on him. I yelled Oh ok so now its cause im DEAF???? Now i know that was not the reason. But again i get way out of control sometimes. But he replied. YES! I left crying and my sister wanted to go in and kick his ass. But i said no i just want to go home. About then i guess i realized that boys can be controlled. I guess it took a few months for me to turn into that cheerleader who took Coby away from me. I promised myself not to let any guy ever get that close to me again. Coby would end up getting dumped by her a few weeks after. And he would come back to ask me for another chance. I never gave him that chance. After my freshman year Coby took a gun out of his dad's closet and walked down to that creek. Some nights i can see his face in the casket. They did a good job with him. Still you could see the dent on the side of his head. I get told alot that.. Hey.. this wasn't your fault. But that only helps so much. My grandfather passed away last week. And i almost lost someone very close to my heart because of the way i act. I think its time i grow up. It is time for me to change. Not for the man I love. Not for my sister. Not for my mom and dad. But i need to change for me. And only i can do it. Nobody can fix me. I get guys who want to try to fix me all the time. They end up being spit out like next week's garbage. I was told by someone, who i know is reading this, that I am going to end up ok in life, that i am good people. When she said that.. i don't think she realized what affect that had on me. Thank you. Thanks for making me want to change for myself. Thank you to my sister, Heather, Mark, Brian, Songeehn, Minnette, and Brent for always being here to talk. And for giving me the courage to get this off my chest.

Buttercup