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February 19, 2006

Growing up

In the last few months i have been going throu a transition of sorts. I actually think that i am a different person for the better. I realize that life is not about how many guy's think your hot. How much power you can have over someone. Who's head i can fuck with today. Yeah i don't care who knows it. One of you reading might think OH I KNEW IT. She was so fake. Guess what??.. i was. But don't think for a minute that i will not be a great person. Yeah i might have crossed your path a time or two. Make you think that i am some kind of innocent girl who wouldn't harm a fly. And you believed it. Some of you know what kind of person i am. And the ones that i will keep close to my heart are the ones that not only know what kind of person i am, but know what kind of person i will become. People HURT! I know this now. I hurt. I have gone to far in my life covering up the truth. For the first time in my life i am scared. Scared of what?

Ignorance is Bliss. Yes that is a very true statement. Nobody told me that love could be so scary. Now i have something to lose. And a part of me wants to crawl back into that shell i came out of. People hurt. You lose family members, like my grandfather. You lose life-time friends, like Claude. Then surely love can be lost. That is scary. Brian's mom is going throu chemo, Webkittyn's father is having lung problems. It just seems.. what Brian said. WHen it rains it pours. And i hate that i have come to realize that up till now my problems before, except a few instances, was very petty. But i guess this is what it is to grow up.

Buttercup

Posted by DeAnna at 01:33 AM | Comments (3)

February 16, 2006

Ok Marsha Brady did it again :(

About 3 months ago i had halo. And i use a mouse to play halo. I picked my laptop up forgetting my mouse was connected, and here it comes right for my head.. i couldn't stop it. I had a cut on the bridge of my nose shaped like an S. When i told Darkstar this he said.. Marsha! Marsha! Marsha! Refering to the time she got hit in the nose by a football. My halo cd got broken a couple weeks later by my baby cousin. So when christmas rolls around guess what i get? Yep .. my daddy gets me halo. Today i was talking to Brian and Sandow on msn. I picked my laptop up.... OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HERE IT COMES AGAIN RIGHT AT MY NOSE!... Same cut.. same spot just a tad lower :(.. Its bleeding :(


Signed Marsha Buttercup

Posted by DeAnna at 12:27 AM | Comments (3)

February 12, 2006

Never get over, Never forget

It really hurts me when someone i care about is hurting. It is easy for us to tell our own stories of loss. But the truth is that every loss is different. Because of the little things. The little things i think we remember the most. I think Webkittyn will remember the first time Claude was brought to her. She will remember that when everything would go wrong, that she could always turn to Claude. To hear his purr and the sound a cat makes while laying next to you. I remember very little when i could hear as a little girl. But i do remember that sound. I think that looking at the stuff that is written about Claude, that Webkittyn and Claude was a perfect match. She needed him and he needed her. That void will never be filled, never be touched again. I know that Webkittyn will never get over it. Because this is a thing that can never be gotten over. The memory of such a close friend will be with her forever. And i will remember February 7, 2006, when a loved one of my good friend Webkittyn passed.

Posted by DeAnna at 02:56 AM | Comments (1)

February 09, 2006

Claude

Just want to say how sorry i am that Claude has passed away. My heart is with WebKittyn and Darkstar for the loss. We all know how much Claude has meant to Webkittyn but also remember that Darkstar saved our kitty from a fire! So much love to both of you. And we will never forget!

Buttercup

Posted by DeAnna at 01:39 AM | Comments (4)

When I'm doing all the hurting, Nobody Can hurt me

Wow! Can you believe i actually said that to someone?

Posted by DeAnna at 12:40 AM | Comments (2)

February 03, 2006

Continued

When i was 10 years old Coby moved away. My first day of middle school 2 years later, i was sitting in science class and some boy plops in the seat next to me. I really wasn't paying attention. And this boy taps me on the shoulder .. i just gave a look and a smile and turned my head back to my book. Again he taps me on the shoulder. I am irritated by now. I say What???!! Then i recognized him. I said Oh my God.. Hi. He said "can i sit next to you?" And i replied sarcastically "Now why would you want to do that?" and he said " just to sit next to the prettiest girl in the class". I guess after that is when me and Coby became very close. This time instead of hanging out with my brother, it was me. We did everything together. We soon became best friends. Its hard to explain in words how i felt about Coby.

I never said "I love you" to him. But i know i loved him. He begged me to come to the dances with him. And i would say, I can't hear the music, how am i supposed to dance? He never said " oh ok im sorry nevermind". He just looked at me and told me i was coming. He made me realize that nothing could stop me from doing anything i wanted to do. He was pretty popular in school. And by taking me everywhere with him, i soon felt very comfortable around people for the first time in my life. We would go out to the field in front of his house. He lived right along a metro park. And he would bring his telescope out. We would stare at the moon for hours. He would tell me very sweet things. We would always go down by the creek at the park. We even carved our names in a tree. In 8th grade we shared our first kiss under that tree. When i became a freshman in high school, I had a earlier lunch period than Coby. I would sit with some of my friends at lunch. And one day i got into a fight with this girl over softball and her older sister jumped in. She was pretty popular. She was a cheerleader. All the boys liked her. Of course we was all sent to the office where we was warned to not do it again. When i was walking out of the office the older sister turned to me and said "hey deaf girl, I would keep an eye on your boyfriend if i was you." I didn't pay much attention to it. At this time in my life, me and Coby was still close but not in school as much. He hung out with the goth kids. I hung out with the Jocks. But outside of school we was pretty close. I did know he was trying drugs. Not exactly sure what kind of drugs. But i do know that he was also starting to get into some trouble with his parents over staying out to late and stuff. He was starting to change. But he would always find time for me. We did our homework together when he actually would do it. One day instead of going to lunch the Restaurant Management teacher who was my home room teacher asked if i would come in during my lunch hour and help with some stuff. I said yes. So i started walking to the class. On my way i saw Coby. I kinda got on my tippy toes to see if i could get him to notice me but he didn't. When i got up close enough i saw he was holding hands with that cheerleader. I was crushed. If i had went to lunch, i would of never seen it. I followed a little down the hall and he gave her a kiss on the cheek and went into his class. I was so upset. When i got to the class i was crying. The teacher asked what was wrong, but i just told her i would be ok. She left it at that. When i got home i had my sister drive me over to Coby's house but i told her to wait in the car. I let him have it. You have to understand that when i go off on a guy, I can be relentless. I get very personal. And i can apply alot of pressure. Sometimes to the point where i over do it. Finally he said.. Look!!! Me and her communicate very well together. We have a connection. And i just blew up on him. I yelled Oh ok so now its cause im DEAF???? Now i know that was not the reason. But again i get way out of control sometimes. But he replied. YES! I left crying and my sister wanted to go in and kick his ass. But i said no i just want to go home. About then i guess i realized that boys can be controlled. I guess it took a few months for me to turn into that cheerleader who took Coby away from me. I promised myself not to let any guy ever get that close to me again. Coby would end up getting dumped by her a few weeks after. And he would come back to ask me for another chance. I never gave him that chance. After my freshman year Coby took a gun out of his dad's closet and walked down to that creek. Some nights i can see his face in the casket. They did a good job with him. Still you could see the dent on the side of his head. I get told alot that.. Hey.. this wasn't your fault. But that only helps so much. My grandfather passed away last week. And i almost lost someone very close to my heart because of the way i act. I think its time i grow up. It is time for me to change. Not for the man I love. Not for my sister. Not for my mom and dad. But i need to change for me. And only i can do it. Nobody can fix me. I get guys who want to try to fix me all the time. They end up being spit out like next week's garbage. I was told by someone, who i know is reading this, that I am going to end up ok in life, that i am good people. When she said that.. i don't think she realized what affect that had on me. Thank you. Thanks for making me want to change for myself. Thank you to my sister, Heather, Mark, Brian, Songeehn, Minnette, and Brent for always being here to talk. And for giving me the courage to get this off my chest.

Buttercup

Posted by DeAnna at 09:14 PM | Comments (0)

February 02, 2006

Hi! I'm Cold Meat!

When i was 7 we moved to the next town over. To me this was a world away. When i woke up the first morning i was so tired. I didn't know where i was at. I was wearing a pink night-gown with Barbie on the front. I walked into the living room and scanned the living room and kitchen to see if mommy and daddy was up. I saw a flash of something out of the kitchen to my left. Ah my daddy was up! Then all of a sudden the front door fly's open and light floods the living room. I took a step back and there he was. He was wearing a cowboy hat and two plastic guns in holsters wrapped around his hip. I saw his lips move, "Hi I'm cold meat! ...............DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. at the top of my lungs I SCREAMED. . My Daddy comes running into the front room. I looked up at him as he stared at the strange boy in the door way. I was learning sign and reading lips at the time. But instead of "HI I'm Coby" i saw, "Hi I'm cold meat!"

Coby was a kid that lived down the street. My brother and Coby became best friends. They would run around the house shooting each other, while i was in my own world of Softball and Barbie Dolls. Every Friday night Coby would come over and spend the night. I liked Coby because he actually understood i couldn't hear. He would look at me and talk slowly. He was so patient for a little boy. But of course we wasn't good friends like him and my brother. I mean after all he still had Kooty's. He had all the newest video games, toys, and clothes. He had everything. His mom and dad would go to Canada alot. And they would bring back the newest games that was not let out in America yet. Saturday morning he would go with us to my softball games. I remember always looking over to see what my brother and Coby was up to. They never really watched the game unless i came up to bat, then my brother would stop and watch. At this age i was moved up with the older girls to play. The rule was you can play up in age but not go back down again. And this way i could play with my older sister. One day i came up to bat and my brother and coby came up to the fence behind me.. i glanced over to see them right up against the fence. This is when i broke coby's index finger. Foul ball went straight back and hit him in the fingers that was poking through the fence. That will teach him i thought! Of course when i found out i actually broke his finger.. i maybe was a tad upset.

Ok this is to be continued. ... a little to hard for me to do the whole story at one time

Buttercup

Posted by DeAnna at 09:26 PM | Comments (4)

February 01, 2006

To Coby

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never strayed too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never strayed too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never strayed too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Because of you-Kelly Clarkson

Coby 1985-1999

Posted by DeAnna at 09:45 PM | Comments (0)