December 25, 2005
Alan and DeAnna
May 5, 1961
"Dear Lord, please don't let me fuck up". Alan B Shepard Jr. sat on top of a Ballistic Redstone Rocket called Freedom 7.
At T-15 minutes it was necessary to hold the count again to make a final check of the real-time trajectory computer. A small electrical part had a problem and this resulted in an hour and twenty six minute delay. Shepard was on top of the Redstone for so long now that he had to urinate. "Gordo!" he said, talking to Gordon Cooper, a fellow Mercury Seven astronaut and principal prelaunch communicator. "Go, Alan." "Man, I got to pee." "You what?" "You heard me. I've got to pee. I've been up here forever." "Tell 'em to turn the power off!" Alan snapped. Cooper, with a chuckle in his voice said, "Okay, Alan. Power's off. Go to it."\
Shepard couldn't hold back any longer and the liquid pooled in the small of his back. His heavy undergarment soaked up the urine, and with 100 percent oxygen flowing through the suit he was soon dry. The countdown resumed.
At T- minus two minutes and forty seconds and counting, Shepard heard that dreaded word again, "Hold". There was a little computer problem. Getting frustrated, he yelled, "I've been in here more than three hours. I'm a hell of a lot cooler than you guys. Why don't you just fix your little problem and light this candle?".
Shepard flight lasted 15 min, 28 seconds. First American in space.
June 1963, Shepard was designated as the command pilot of the first manned Gemini mission. But in early 1964, Shepard was diagnosed with Meniere's disease, a condition in which fluid pressure builds up in the inner ear. This syndrome causes the semicircular canals and motion detectors to become extremely sensitive, resulting in disorientation, dizziness, and nausea. This condition caused him to be removed from flight status.
Life with Meniere's Disease : Before you judge me on one of my good days, you need to understand what one of my bad days is like.
Tinnitus - imagine having a headache caused by a fire alarm ringing or a bee buzzing in your ear continually for a long period of time. You can't hear anything but that fire alarm or bee - It drowns everything else out.
Vertigo - Now imagine yourself as really drunk or with the flu at the same time as the fire alarm is going off. Now imagine that with these two things, you'd be dumb enough to get on one of the super roller coasters that does loop-de-loops or the amusement park rides that spin in two different directions at the same time. I'm not that dumb, but unfortunately I have no choice in feeling these sensations.
During one of these vertigo attacks that can last from several minutes to several hours if not days. I can't keep food or water down, I can't walk, and in order to get out of bed to go to the bathroom, I have to crawl like a baby on my hands and knees. The movement makes me so ill, if I'm able to crawl back to bed, I'm covered in sweat from exhaustion. Otherwise, I keep a pillow and a blanket at the bottom of a linen closet in the bathroom so that I can pass out lying across the bathroom floor. I end up sleeping for days after one of these attacks, only getting out of bed to go to the bathroom or to get something to drink, if I think I can keep it down. I have to call my family to see what day it is when I wake up.
You see, this disease while playing havoc with your balance and equilibrium, also reeks havoc with your hearing. It wouldn't be so bad if the hearing loss was constant and predictable. The hearing loss can fluctuate, but is usually progressive, and many with the disease end up severely hard-of-hearing or deaf.
Even on a daily basis, your mind is so confused by the signals its getting from your ears that your balance sucks. You run into things constantly because you can't balance well enough to avoid walking into things, or your mind is telling you the object is a couple of inches from where it really is. I don't know whether to laugh or cry when someone teases me about being such a kluts.
I also have days that my coordination just doesn't seem to be together. I'm carrying something, and all of the sudden I drop it because my brain seems confused as to whether my hand is really attached to my body. I sometimes miss a step and fall because of the feeling that my legs are not quite part of me and I have to focus on them to realize they are there. Apparently this happens because the part of your brain that recognizes parts of your body as belonging to you is the parietal brain lobe and it sits right above your ear, so if the nerves around your ear are inflamed, it can press on this part of the brain, or send the wrong signals to it (I'm not quite sure which), and you can lose coordination.
The disease also plays tricks on your vision. For some strange reason, the nerve that goes from your inner ear to your brain also controls some of your eye movement. Your eyes can twitch or bounce constantly, making focusing on objects, much less print, extremely difficult at times. Your eyes tend not to be able to "track" movement at the same speed, giving you double vision, and a bad headache.
You can get confused easily and your memory and concentration aren't reliable. It's what some people with the disease refer to as "brain fog". Many of them originally were afraid that they may have a brain tumor or Alzheimer's because it can sometimes gets so bad. Finally they find either a doctor whose very knowledgeable regarding the symptoms, or they happen to ask someone else with the disease, and find that this too is a symptom of this blasted disease.
Now try to imagine living with this disease never knowing when one of these periods of tinnitus, vertigo, hearing loss, double vision, lack of coordination, recruitment, disequilibrium, or "brain fog" is going to hit, or how bad it will be. At least with being drunk or riding an amusement park ride, you know what's causing it, and you can make the choice not to do it again. With this disease, there's very little warning if any for these attacks, you don't know what's causing it, and there's no cure - only devices, surgeries, and some medications that can somewhat help alleviate the symptoms. They think now that Van Gogh suffered from this disease, and he cut off his own ear trying to escape it.
This disease is rare in children. When i was 5 i was diagnosed with it. Surgery is helpful. But being so young.
The risk for being totally deaf was to great to consider. Medications have slowed down the amount of times i get an attack. I havn't had a HUGE attack since i was 14. If i could have gotten myself to a knife i would of slit my wrist to end it. But that was also brought on by switching medications. I have been left at being 65 to 80 percent deaf. Its all i know. Being Deaf is a lifestyle for me now. It is so easy for me to handle. Not so easy for people who try to get to know me.
Alan Shepard underwent an experimental Ear surgery that got him back into space flight in time to make a moon landing. Alan was the 5th man to set foot on the moon. "It's been a long way, but we're here." Alan B. Shepard, Jr. on the surface of the moon.
Posted by DeAnna at 01:14 AM | Comments (1)
December 24, 2005
Christmas thanks
It is time to recognize the people in my life who mean so much to me. I of course would like to start off by thanking my parents. My Mom and Dad have always been there for me, You are always there to push me when i need pushed. You are the most wonderful parents. I know that that you have had to put up with alot from me, and it is appreciated. I love you both with all my heart. The next person i would like to thank is my sister Tina. Thank you for being my sister. Nobody will ever know how much you mean to me. You have been there for me at my best and worst. You have protected me, counseled, and been my crying shoulder. My Brother Dean. You know me better than i do. I am honored to be your older sister :D (even if it is by 2 minutes) I will forever miss you when you are away. Thank you for everything you have done for me. Dawnn you are a brat and i love you. You are spoiled more than me but i love you. No more wearing my clothes, i might just take them with me when break is over. :D (I really do love her, we just been arguing lately :D)
Now to my friends and family. I thank you all from my heart. Thanks for coming to my games. Thanks for being there. Minnie... i love you so much. And Kevin you be good to my sister. Now for my internet friends. I would like to thank webkittyn for all the advice, and all her encouraging words. Thank you for introducing me to new things. Blogging is so much fun. And i don't have to tell you how much i love your radio show. Darkstar the same goes for you. You are truly the most evil friend i ever had. :D Tymora, we don't always get along, we don't always see eye to eye. But you are truly very wise. I look up to you more than you think. Tyr your a lucky man, but im sure i don't have to tell you that. Brent, You are such a great friend. you are always there to talk to. One of the people who truly know alot about me. To tell you something is so easy. You are one of my most trusted friends on the internet, and hopefully soon to be irl. I will see you in D.C! Daniel, we do not talk much. But i would like to thank you for all the hard work you put into my second favorite thing to do. Just wanted to know that i appreciate you, and all you have done. Without a doubt you are very fair and honest. Oh and *hug* <33333 i know that bothers you :D. Alex,Lillith, Alsin, Vandal, Clausius, tailyn, and all my other mud friends. You make mudding so much fun. I wish you all merry christmas and whatever else you celebrate. Brian, I just met you but it seems we have known each other forever. I look forward to our new frienship. Thanks for putting up with my weirdness. The last i would like to save for my very bestest internet friend. You all know him as sandow, i know him as Song. It is sad that i am one of the few who get to see how you really are. You are truly the most honest, sweetest, and down right perfect friend i have ever had on the internet. You make me laugh, cry, and smile. I look forward to talking to you every single day. *hug*
Anyone else who feels left out.. im sorry. Im kinda in a hurry doing this blog.
Love forever,
Buttercup
Posted by DeAnna at 12:50 AM | Comments (0)
December 19, 2005
Why me?
Most of you know that i am very different off the mud. On the mud, I goof off and have fun. Some of you may think i am like that irl. I am not a shy person, but i am quite. I have been told that I speak well, but being mostly deaf gives me that toneless sound. Couple of you i have skyped with have heard it. So irl i communicate mostly by facial expressions. Most of the time you will find me as a happy girl. It takes alot to upset me. But when i get upset i almost always get over it quick. I know that my problems are insignificant compared to others. But this Friday, i was attacked by some jerk. I was going to spend most of that day getting ready for the Children's Hospital visit i was making with some of my teammates the next morning. But a x-boyfriend, and close friend invited me to go to a friend of his house to watch a movie. I said ok. When we got there, I sat down on the couch and my friend layed on the floor with his girlfriend. The friend of his was also on the floor with his girlfriend. There was this other guy there that i had no idea who he was. He came and sat next to me. He seemed like a normal guy. About 15 minutes into the movie he tries putting his arm around me. So after like a minute i thought .. Oh my god i want to get out of this. So i got up and went to the kitchen. Grabbed a coke and sat on the couch behind everyone on the floor. About 15 minutes later he does the same thing and sits next to me again. So im watching the movie, and i feel this pressure on my leg. I look down and he has his hand on my thigh.I chuckle and move it off my leg. I start thinking about excuses i can make.. to get my friend to take me home at this point. But before i can act. This JACKASS puts his hand on my chest and tries to kiss me. I get up screaming at him, and at this point i am really flipping out. This guy has a smirk on his face. Finally my friend turns me around. And he asks what happened. I told him, And i swear i never got done telling him and he was on the couch swinging on this guy. I was in tears. I pulled my friend off and we got into his truck. Yes us girls do stupid things and i do also, But i was so upset i started hitting my friend cause i was so mad he would take me to a place like that. He grabbed my hands and apologized. It really wasn't his fault, Not like he knew the guy. But so much was built up inside of me i couldn't control myself. This has happened to me before. I don't know why, My guess is guys look at me like, "oh she has a disability, she is weak". Or maybe most of you guys are real jerks. The next morning my friend brought me flowers. Atleast there is a couple good guys out there. Everytime i tell this story, it makes me want to hit something lol. But when i got to Children's i was so happy to let it go for a while. The kids were so happy. We take those little girls and little boys problems away from them for a short time, and the faces light up. They forget about all the other stuff, the wires, the nurses, the funny beeping noises, the shots, the skin graphs, and the yucky medicine they have to take. And it hit me, Not only do we take away problems from them, they take away ours too.
Love always,
Buttercup
Posted by DeAnna at 10:34 AM | Comments (0)
December 14, 2005
Love? what is that?
When holiday's role around i always find myself thinking about this subject. I see my friends who have boyfriends they claim to love, or even a fiance. I know what love is, and no i don't believe there is different types of love. Love is sacrifice, plain and simple. If you love then you sacrifice going and hanging out with your friends to learn sign language because your sister is going deaf. You sacrifice alot of time and energy into your daughter's sports because you know how much it means to them. You sacrifice going to a concert because your older sister needs someone there for her. I could go on and on. I also think Love is the most over used word. I for one have never told another man outside of my family that i love them. I sometimes think, Is there something wrong with me? Am i impossible to fall in love with? Is there any man that can make me fall in love? At this point in my life i say no. Only because it hasn't happened.
The more i think about it, the more i think its more me than anyone else. I can still remember my coach saying to me when i was 12 "Do you lady's know what loses games?" and of course we said stuff like .. not practicing hard enough or whatever.. and Coach Steve would say.. "NO BOYS LOSE GAMES! lol. Maybe i am afraid of losing everything i worked so hard for. I have been told " you are so young, don't worry about guys" So maybe i am doing the right thing. All i know is i will be at the family christmas party, watching all my friends, family and cousin's with boyfriends. And me? ... well i will be with me :D and thats ok. I have never brought a boy to such an event. Heck even my twin brother has a girlfriend. Who i will meet for the first time. I am happy that i have what i have. My family has its problems like any other family. Since my dad saw me drunk for my the first time .. maybe he will sniff my eggnog when im not looking. My sister's fiance may ask me to dance again, and i will say no lol. My mom will be the perfect woman i have always known. My baby sister will probably be outside smoking pot. And me? I will love being with my family who loves me.............. Thats all thats really important. Christmas with the people you love.
Buttercup
Posted by DeAnna at 09:35 PM | Comments (2)
December 08, 2005
Thank You All for Your support
Alot of you have already have thanked me and shown support over what happened last night. But i would like to say that, after thinking about it today, that the easiest way to support Webkittyn is to keep doing what we are doing. I will not be making an msn chat room for the show. It will be easier for Webkittyn if you went to www.mangoradio.us/chat to request music. I will be there and i hope you will too!. Lets keep this show going strong. If you support me in what has happend, then support me in doing what we have always done. www.webkittynwednesday.com. www.mangoradio.com/us.
Thanks again
Love Buttercup
Posted by DeAnna at 07:56 PM | Comments (1)
Webkittyn's Live Show
I would like to be the first to say that Webkittyn's live show was awesome!!! I enjoyed it while i could listen. I would also like to apologise for all the people who came into the chat room only to be booted for no reason. There was only 1 person kicked because he broke the rule. But because i stuck up for the WK listeners i invited into the chat room who got booted for no reason. I myself got picked on by Jeckles and Mango. Mango who i was interviewing for this site will not be posted here. WE WILL TAKE OUR CHAT BACK TO MSN where we would always have 15-18 every night anyway.. before this chatroom was made public. And i can promise you won't get kicked.
I totally understood the kicking of one of the people for using green text. But to kick someone because he made a comment about not having enough drugs in the world to understand the movie THE WALL. He gets kicked. That was stupid. And i will stick up for the people that i invite into the chat room. Anyway it ruined what would of been a very exciting night having to try to get the owners of mango radio and a couple of the dj's to stop kicking people out. I know at one point there was 21 people.. wich was more than i ever saw. But if you were in the room .. you would of noticed.. when the kicking started.. the room got smaller. People didn't like what was going on. So we will just go back to MSN. .. im tired.. time to sleep
Goodnight
Love Buttercup
Posted by DeAnna at 03:49 AM | Comments (0)
December 05, 2005
Webkittyn Wednesday
OK PEOPLE THIS IS THE REAL DEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WEBKITTYN IS GOING LIVE!!!!!!!
Yep you heard it. And you will hear it over and over. Webkittyn is going live and she is gonna be awesome. I think this will be so entertaining. Everyone please tune in !! I am wondering what she is gonna feel right before the show. I have been playing softball since i was 4 .. and to this day i still feel like im gonna throw up before a game lol. Please go to http://www.webkittynwednesday.com/Songs.htm. And you can see the songs that you can request live music. Request by number to make it easy on her. All the links you need are on that page.
Buttercup Blogs Again
Posted by DeAnna at 06:38 AM | Comments (0)
December 04, 2005
Buttercup Blogs
Hello everyone, If your reading this im sure you know a little about me. If not be sure to check out www.myspace.com/jorizon. This will be where i blog for now on. I am very thankfull to Webkittyn for all that she has done for me. I first met her on a mud called Waterdeep, where we did not get along at first. But she taught me that i don't have to be one of the "guys" to fit into a male dominated game. That i am a woman and lowering myself to anything less would be a mistake. I am not saying that i have stopped having fun, but i recognize now more than ever on when to keep my mouth shut, and when to be serious. I truly look at her as a big sister, and she makes me want to become a better person.
I will blog about many things. I plan on doing alot of interviews with people i find interesting. My next blog will come tomorrow. I will be writing about an exciting thing about to happen with the Webkittyn Wednesday. Then expect to see my interview with Mango of Mango Radio by next week. Anyway its late and i am going to go to sleep. Goodnight everyone
Love
Buttercup
Posted by DeAnna at 01:25 AM | Comments (1)