I just got a call from my friend Faith. She'd been keeping me posted about our friends plight. My friend Tina died after being taken off life support at 1pm. She lasted 'til 7:32pm Tuesday November 17th, 2009 where she left our plane of existence to find another, leaving her shell behind. She had a tumor that metastasized into something rather large to the point that she looked several months pregnant. For the last few days she was in an induced coma to stop the pain.

Actually, Tina was more than a friend. A long time ago we were something more for a brief period. As years passed, we didn't think about that anymore. In and out of our lives we came...an occasional phone call , an IM session on AIM when AOL was a viable web portal, or a visit to my radio show chatroom. Even when she couldn't be in chat, she'd tell me she was listening.

Hard to remember exactly how we met. I think it was from AOL. I do remember when on a trip to Florida, she came to my hotel room to take me on a tour. We went to Universal Studios where I bought my Anniversary Star Trek geek denim jacket. Being that was the first time we'd met in person we clicked instantly, although back then she probably was a tad younger than I should've been dating at the time. This is probably why it's hard to deal with human frailty as she was at least 7 years younger than I and I sit and watch she and my friend Jeff, who's currently now battling a severe aggressive Cancer, face the Reaper. She was one of the unfortunate who lost in the game of life a little to early in the period. I think when I watch Trueblood and see Sookie Stackhouse, I'm reminded of the young 17 year old southern bell Tina was then, energetic, dark yet gleaming eyes, reasonable head on her shoulders for her young age and that big smile of hers.

Tina and I in Universal Studios 1992 at the 50's retro Drive In

I remember one time around `92 or `93, I think, while we were hanging out, she,Jeff and I would sit in Glen Island park and plan how the music videos to some of my songs should be. She's one of those who've passed on without knowing whether the musical project they believed in actually succeeded to fruition.

Rest in Peace meine Liebchen.

More pics below in the extended entry

The "rude".

We know them .

They know other rude people, recognize them and even call them out on it, yet never know themselves. I know people who are rude without them knowing. But rude isn't whether they sneeze into their sleeve or burp or fart in public... It's the non listener. The non listener thinks everything is about them and could basically give a crap about you.

Recently I started dating someone. That ended quickly. Basically it was after them accompanying me to an event, a few days later they said "so... we're dating, right?". I said in a cavalier and yet unsure way..."sssssure." The hesitating 's' could've been a hint, but they're so high on themselves they didn't notice. We went out on a few dates. No matter what, I noticed that talking to them whether in person or via phone was like trying to stop a train with dental floss across the tracks. They talked and talked and never listened. You had to scream to get then to pay attention if you had something to say. She thought everything was a fad, felt no need for technology like blogs or twitter or even having an internet presence in the modern world. She basically thought it was all for yuppies and had a great disdain for said yuppies, yet she herself acted like a "Sex and the City" yuppie debutant. They wanted nothing to do with my interests and found anything I thought to be fun to be "childish". They didn't want to "relate" or have a sane healthy "relationship". They wanted a "daddy" to listen to their problems and fix them, give them a pat on the head and a kiss and take them out on occasion. Bitch, get a therapist.

When I broke up with her, I had to do it via email. That may sound cruel, but they'd never hear it any other way over their own bloviations anyhow. Basically it was all about her. I remember how I wanted to tell them something about myself that was from a shadier past. She said she didn't want to hear anything about my past from when I might have been a "loser". Let me explain something about people; Everything in their past is part of the recipe that made them what they are today, whether they were molested as a child, were a drug or alcohol addict, hurtfully scorned in a relationship, raped or any other travesty, that a) doesn't make them a loser nor a victim and b) allots to their current psyche.. These experiences made them what they are today. If you don't want to know, well then you're not only rude, you're an insensitive douche. What's odd about this is that I could tell you this persons name right here and never have to worry about them reading it because they are so stuck on themselves they wouldn't care to come to someone else's blog to see what's on the other persons mind.

I'm not a rude person. Try as I might, I will listen to just about any inanity you deem important whether I think it is or not. That's what friends do. That's why I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who actually want to be around me because I at least appear to want to listen to them. Listening is a commodity and as I watch humanity I see it's as rare as gold.

I have a friend who thinks he knows everything about everything. Then again, I have several of those. What's worse is he's the type who tries to play as if he's "hip". Like the person in the prior paragraphs, he thought everything was a trendy fad to him, nothing new is good and most things new are retreads of old. This may be true but he's the type whose opinionated manner causes people to back away from him. His mind is too closed on most matters and too far lost in time of decades gone by to relate to the real world. I think we argue for the sake of arguing. Like no matter what he makes you want to take the opposing side just to defend it.

This friend is the type that hates almost every type of music I like if it came after 1970. The same with TV and movies except for some Science Fiction. Nevermind that I have a pretty reasonable grasp on pop culture, dark culture and cool culture. Kinda why I have one of the top rated shows on KMRL. He came to my show once and told the live chatroom that my music was boring him and he was going to log off to go watch some ancient television show on DVD and play with his cats. I went on a 12 minute rant about how rude that was to do in a chatroom of your friends show. He was gone so he never heard it...but it was on the podcast.

How you interact with and treat people and how you make them feel in the end is key to your success with them in the great rat race. It's a) who well you deal with people, b) how well you you'll advance amongst the ranks of the world.

I mean... is it me? Am I wrong? Am I dealing with people the wrong way? Am I childish? I admit I have Peter Pan disease, but still, I listen to people, don't down talk what they like and I'm inherently cheerful around them. I like to make people feel good and good about themselves. These are good things, right? People like being around those types, right? This has nothing to do with my being the Devil in sheep's clothing for that's a different aspect entirely.

The problem with relationships today is that compatibility issues really screw up the works.

I have a friend (and I've discussed this on my show, The Darkhours) who has his share of quirks and fetishes, yet married a woman who is repulsed by said fetishes. What's the sense of that? Let me explain how bad it is: He has a foot fetish and his wife has ugly feet. You know this only leads to him needing to face his freak factor with another. Some might call that cheating even though there's no actual intercourse. Why a person would get involved in dating, let alone contemplating marriage without having all the secrets out on the table, I don't know. Barring illegal things like pedophilia, the mate should be accepting if not excited to participate in another persons sexual oddities. This is what makes partnerships special. Unless you're Karla Homolka and Paul Bernardo.

So the thought here is about companionship vs. compatibility. How many relationships go bad because of things that just irk people, but they dealt with it out of desperation or the fear that there was nothing else available for them.

You have to take a list of your personal criteria. This has nothing to do with being shallow (ie: "I want her/him to have the biggest boobs/dick !" ), but with having compatible interests.

Anyone interested in reading further would see what I, so far , would call the criteria for my perfect mate and hopefully use this guideline list as something they can tailor to helping them find and keep the person of their dreams.

Y'know how people always say "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that! I'm so sorry for your loss! If there's anything I can do for you, don't hesitate to ask..." ???

Well, short of returning the dead to us, there's usually nothing that can be done. Summarily, most people do nice things like send cards, flowers or gift baskets. Now, not everyone knows where to send them, so I get texts or Myspace or Facebook messages asking for the address and oddly... nothing, save for a nice arrangement by Treeman showed up. Thank you Treeman.

For everything her mom does for people at her bank job, you'd think they'd chip in to get her a sympathy basket from someplace like Wine and Country Gifts or 1 800 Flowers. Then there's mine and Kittyn's friends. You'd think that with her entire network she'd get at least a card...or even an Ecard. I don't wanna be the usual evil prick I am, but this makes makes me a little disgruntled. People asked to come up to the house, which was appreciated , but as they'd rather grieve alone, a card or at least something, would have been OK. She posted the address on her own blog. I just don't get it. They buried him Tuesday. It was no secret when it happened last Friday. You'd think all the friends would be a little more supportive. A collection (not individual) in a tough economy could have done wonders.

I'm just a tad perturbed by people at the moment. This isn't about me, it's about people and how they respond to things.

Funny... I've been on a blog explosion lately. I've been posting little humorous anecdotes and such...waxing profound on occasion but we're gonna step away from that for a moment.

I got an ICQ from Webkittyn last night that her dad (the man who's been a second father to me) had passed. The Chuck was gone. The Makbar to my Akbar. The man who called me "Tigger" for decades, cause I was always bouncing. The guy sat on the couch with me and poked me silly.The man I talked to more about life than my own dad. The man who inspired the Chuck dance and the Chuck remix. The guy who made me still feel like a pre teen around him. The guy who could rib me about everything from fetishes to Finnish people was no longer here.

I'm a little numb... OK..alotta numb. I'm heading upstate after I make things a little presentable around here. I couldn't sleep. When I did get to sleep I woke up late, depressed and lethargic, but I know that my help is needed. I don't know when I'll be back at work or when I'll be normal again...all I know is things aren't the same and it's only been since 12:30am that this all started. I've no idea what's in store for any of us. I gotta get underway.

Keep your eyes on the Twitter I guess.

It appears I've become forgetful.

The other day, I bought an onion with my groceries. I appear to have lost said onion. To this day I have yet to find it. I do hope it does not end up in an inopportune place wreaking of rancid onioness decomposing in a hard to reach area. Ew.

Saturday, I go to Target to get DVD-R and CDR spools and some sleeves. Money's a little tight these days but I've loads of media to distribute. Of course in Target, you just can't go in an get the shit you really came in for.. nooo... there's all sorts of cool sales. Pepsi Max 12 packs, Minute Maid Lite Lemonade... then you remember you need paper towels... get a half gallon of milk... and the cart gets filled more and more. I spent $45 alone on the discs.

I'm happy in the end as I go home. ..however...About an hour later I notice that the one bag of media discs are gone. Well...not really gone because as it appeared...I left them at the store.

Yes. The main objects I wanted were left there. I was rather dejected, sullen and pretty pissed off. It appeared the cashier never put it in my bag. I sulked to myself a little before bed...but not for long. Why so? Because I knew I'd come up with a solution as I often do.

At work, Sunday afternoon I called the operator at Target and explained what had happened, after asking if there were security tapes of cashiers and such that could be tagged with the time of the receipts printout.

In the end, I went after work and they reviewed my surveillance and told me the items were restocked and to go get them and they handled the situation. I was expecting a fight and got some customer satisfaction from Target of all places. Go figure.

I really need to remember shit...like where is that fucking onion!

Say a man is a good singer...and in a romantic mood...

What song would you want him to sing in your ear during a quiet impromptu slow dance under a starry night sky in a field or on a beach or in the setting of your choice that would make you melt?

This may become a topic on the Darkhours so please be candid.

State of Kittyn.

She, basically stabilized , now lives with the realization that her life is different and forever will be so. Currently she's lonely. Not lonely in the "I need a man" type of lonely, but more or less distraught what with her mom under pressure and no one else really around to visit her. I go to do the Albany runs to see her when I can, but soon that will be an issue as I start to dedicate days to recording.

Her dialysis schedule fluctuates. Not the days, but the length of time. After an hour or so, her new meds combinations for the blood pressure oft times cause it to go from the 200's to drop viciously low to 60. The mental strain is possibly turning her into a "girl interrupted" where the use of the hospital psychiatrist may be beneficial and advantageous. She feels alone, forgotten and abandoned in some ways and I can understand that. I fear she is introverting and not answering the phones.

It's still ok to send stuff to let her know we remember her. She cannot access telnet based programming over hospital WiFi so she can't MuD. It's somewhat bleak and a daily struggle, but she forges on.

The latest of latest news is that she has another surgery scheduled possibly next Monday. This is for the fistula installation. That's where they attach an artery to a vein for the purpose of more convenient dialysis. This could very well lead to a discharge date somewhere in the next two weeks or so. With luck on her side, she'll be out of that hospital and home with her parents. This will be her scariest surgery yet. possibly more frightening than the one 2 weeks ago where she woke up in the middle of the procedure.

Tonight she got her 10th room mate. The jury's still out on this one. It's only been about 3 hours. The last one she claims was the best, but some of the worst were those with some really raucous bowel movements. I swear eating in that room was not fun. What I would miss is the food. They have some of the best hospital cuisine I've ever had. The cafeteria rate 5 stars.

Now she's moved rooms. Here's the drill for visits, packages, flowers, balloons, gift baskets and calls:
(see extended entry or permalink version)

Not when you have to spend it in the hospital and your preliminary prognosis is malignant hypertension .

Webkittyn Update. Now besides the diagnosis, let's couple that with a new room mate who has a broken neck and a tracheotomy where you are forced to listen to her gurgle mucous, smell her shitting in her bed many times a day and having the room over run by nurses who clean the poo. I was there trying to eat a cheeseburger in the room the first day I visited, to the wonderful dining concerto of her horrid gurgling.

I'm in upstate New York and today I sat with her during her dialysis. This was not a fun ordeal. I have another friend who has to go through it also. Now let's talk about what she allegedly actually has.This was described as a condition where in its malignancy it acts like a cancer to certain organs in where it destroys what it chooses too... namely the kidneys. However... there are some upsides. There's a 20% chance she may not need to live with the horrors of dialysis. There's a long road ahead. There's many life changes involved. But I think the worst part for her right now is her having to spend her birthday away from her dad. I'll be there with her mom and some nurses who want to glom on her ice cream cake.

Feel free to leave her birthday wishes here or on her own blog. You can also call her. The number is in a prior post.

They still don't know what's wrong with her. She has a team of doctors about to play Dr.House today.They tell her they won't let her leave this Albany hospital until they have an answer. Allegedly the Kingston meat market aka Kingston Hospital completely botched everything when she was up there. I do so hope they take my advice and consider a lawsuit.

Anyway...she wants people to call her. She's very alone and 2 hours from her mom and dad. The phone number is 518 262 0408 Her room is E505a if you're looking to send her a card or something.

So far she's had transfusions, MRI, EKG, CATscans, Ultrasound on arms legs and kidneys cause she's covered in spots.and tomorrow she's once again afraid for her life as they get ready for a kidney biopsy tomorrow morning.

She's gone into critical condition. However, it's said she's slightly more cognizant. She's being transferred as of this writing to Albany Medical Center.

No one is happy.

Carry on.

...kidney failure. The Kidneys are failing. There may be need for a kidney biopsy.

Depending on where they can find a bed, there will be several places she might go.
Westchester Medical Center,Vassar Medical Center or some place up in Albany. Her blood pressure has skyrocketed as a result and her mom says that since her total of four seizures, her mind is seemingly only 25% there and in a state of mild dementia.

I wonder how many lives the Webkittyn truly has.

Well it's just not a great start to your day without a Spinal Tap for meningitis to start you off, is it?

Boy, this just doesn't get any better now, does it?

Tonight at around 7:45, Webkittyn went into the E.R. as she suffered from several seizures and frothing at the mouth. As it would appear, the current prognosis is kidney failure and may result in kidney dialysis 3 times a week.

She's being admitted into Northern Dutchess Hospital at this time. Room number too follow.

Webkittyn : Now takes less pills, is slowly regaining strength and mobility and we hope she will soon be on the air (we hope) if not her own blog to share some of the more horrid sides of life in the E.R. and the hospital. She's lost massive amounts of weight also and has limited appetite. She's not ready for integration with the with the general populace yet. Don't expect her to return to radio anytime soon.

Chuck: Her Dad is doing better once they figured out all the wrong things that were being done. Y'know like... when you feed someone and it keeps going into the lungs rather than the stomach, pneumonia could be a side effect. As of today he's having drastic improvements in his performance rehabilitation.

KMRL: Mojoradiolive
I must admit, I'm not as happy with my beloved radio station as I'd like to be. In fact, I'm starting to pick up the bad habits our dj's have recently picked up. It just seems like all the jocks don't care save for a select few. I had connection issues last night so there was no show. I couldn't post it to the blog but now I feel guilty like I failed the shows fans. This is a different feeling than what the other jocks are feeling. Since when did taking a month off without reason or notification become an action that's in any way professional?

Either way, we trimmed the schedule down. Dead shows are gone. Shows that the DJ seemed to have abandoned the slots are gone. Whenever they wake up and want to return to broadcasting, they can let us know and we'll tell them if they're slots been filled or not or whether they'd have to pick a new slot. We're not here to park slots for shows that only feature the default playlist at $200 a month anymore. Yea... I'm a tad pissed off. I'm personally thinking of imposing fines. Why? Cause this shit's not cheap. We give you an opportunity to be a broadcaster for free. If you don't wanna do it anymore, have the common deceny to tell us so we can fill the slot with someone who actually does.

This has been a quick update. I now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

Webkittyn is still in the same condition with little improvement as news of her dad's situation deteriorates. He reentered the hospital with a new bout of pneumonia.

Webkittyns stress related illnesses continue to have her losing weight and getting lost in a depressive state where vitals are only a mild improvement over the past few weeks if any.

After the biopsies, it seems there's nothing wrong with her in the way of terminal diseases, yet the situation seems to have weighed itself down upon her to the point that physical symptoms still exist. It's the oddest thing I've ever seen. Either way, she's not well and neither is the Chuck.

Webkittyn's being home is rather...interesting. The drugs are having a psychotropic effect on her. So far, she's gained latent fears in things from death to the rain outside. She's hallucinated about horror films that don't exist to band lyrics that never were. We were, for a time, contemplating admitting her into another hospital.

We're starting to believe the Kingston hospital is nothing but a mother fuck. They sent Webkittyn home with no solution yet as to what's wrong with her. After 9 weeks, a complication that kept her dad out of physical rehab still hasn't been resolved, but they chose to send him back to rehab with the problem still ongoing.

Nice.

I wish Johnnie Cochran was still alive. I thought hospitals were supposed to cure people. Where's Dr. House when you need him?

Now here's where the rain begins to pour. I was supposed to go to a meeting then take my mom to the doctor with my brother on Wednesday. No can do. "Why" you may ask? It seems (and this is the reason why I hate them) the Trackers automatic transmission is stuck in first gear and would implode were I to drive it the 90 miles home. People wonder why I only like manual transmissions? Hmmmmm...maybe it's because since you're in control and not a machine, you can't break those?!?!? So alas, I'm stuck upstate 'til possibly Saturday morning.

The good news is, with me here, she won't need to go to any other hospitals as of yet. She'd at least have some sort of (feeble) supervision.

She's home at her parents house. I'm on my way up there now. She's not in the best of states at the moment, but I'll find out soon enough. I'm on my way upstate to survey her situation. Until then, you can scroll down and entertain yourself with that bizarre video I posted a few posts down.

Feel free to comment, people. Let me know someone reads this shit.

...and a new room mate. Yea... I know she's not happy about that even in her morphine induced state. Anyway, Webkittyn is now in room 203B. Please direct your calls there. More than likely she'll be more amenable to calls tomorrow, but I'm just here with another update that she's OK post-op and doing well in a new room.

Updates as they come, this is your roving reporter Darkstar, coming to you live from New York.

Surgery happened at about 1pm. She's in ICU post recovery room as of this writing. They did two biopsies from two different areas as far as I know. She's in la la land on a morphine drip, but at least she's alive. She'll be moved to a room on the surgery floor so don't bother calling til I update you on the actual room number...or you could call the hospital tomorrow and ask.

That's the info for the moment. Carry on with your lives. Thank you for caring.

OK, biopsy take two.

Tomorrow is the Biopsy.

Bruce Wayne, she got your basket and she is grateful. She thought it was touching and heartfelt and rather welcome. Oddly it came at the perfect time when cheer was needed.

She's nervous as hell and feeling emotionally wiped.

That is all. Follow ups as more news comes.

No surgery happened. It seemed her potassium levels were up too high. Then they gave her meds to remove the potassium. I don't wanna tell ya what that means. Anyway... after the potassium levels dropped, the nurses thought it was a good time to give her some lunch, which was very magnanimous gesture..only the surgeon wanted to reschedule for the same day. But once you've eaten, it's a no go. Insert high frustration levels here.

So suffice it to say, it was a complete no go. Possible rescheduling for Monday. The only thing more tragic than yesterday was her farewell tour post.

OK.
If you don't know, my webdesigner and best friend Webkittyn wrote in her latest entry that she was hospitalized with TB. Due to many IVs in her arms, her typing is horrid so that leaves the updating up to me.

She:
a) Does not have TB.
b) Is not infectious.
c) Is currently living with both heart and kidney functions at 35%.
d) Is suspected of having contracted sarcoidosis
e) Is ulcerous.
f) has spots on her lungs that can't be identified non invasively.

So tomorrow afternoon they're doing a biopsy. I'll try to keep this site updated so you'll get the play by play...

No this is not a ploy to get better standings on the Bear. Marsupial is fine with me.

Yea... I know. You'd figure Xmas isn't my thing. It's not really. I love Halloween. Xmas hasn't been that special in my house as a lad. The best thing that can be said is that holidays are pretty special at my adopted family's house. That would be Webkittyn's parents. It's a big deal there and it fills a void on the holiday....

But this holiday, I'm noticing too many with bigger issues that I can't deny. I want Karma. I want good Karma to wash through life so I can finish my mission.

I have a good day job. A very good 6 figure day job. I was thankful on Thanksgiving for that. Yet no matter what I can't seem to help everyone the way I want in this fashion. I may be evil, but I have a good and fair heart. I guess that's why I say I'm Lawful Evil. Have I confused you yet?

With Halloween coming, I got to thinking as I flipped few a few costume catalogs. Is it me or am I the only one who thinks that it' sexier with clothes on in the bedroom?

I mean, sure, there are those who love the naked human body and all, but I just think that in the bedroom, clothing in bed is sexy. Be it costumes or anything sexy (I'm not talking footie pajamas here), clothes in bed leave allot to the imagination and inspire an air of mystery. I think that in a dimly lit room, to see a shrouded figure come into the bed, high heels clicking from the distance getting closer in flowing, draping cloaks or strapped up in tight form fitting items... I just think thats hot. I'm not just talking wearing "bed clothes" like nighties and teddys either, but something different. Extraordinary outfits and textures can be quite stimulating in the darkness of a bedroom.

Does nyone think the same as I do?

Now, let me tell you about my birthday.

After the 32 ounce steak (yes, that's 2 POUNDS of beef) from Boulder Creek Steakhouse, I got a bunch of great gifts overall , starting with the monitor speakers seen in the "home studio" post, I got some really awesome gifts ! I love collecting weaponry, so Webkittyn got me:

this cool ass Spider blade

this wicked battle axe:

I mounted it on the wall next to my head by my bed.

Then add a crapload of Video games, DVD's and boxed sets from my wishlist like :
Dinosaurs Box Set
Southpark Season 6 Box Set
Star Trek Fan Collective: Q
Star Trek Fan Collective: Time Travel
Beverly Hills Cop Trilogy Box set
The Golden Child
Coming to America
Eddie Murphy: Raw (I'm a big Eddie Murphy fan)
Bloodrayne
Underworld:Evolution
Comedian Paul Mooney DVD COncert
Comedian Robin (Bey Bey's kids) Harris DVD Concert
X3 the video game
Xmen Legends video game
and some odd evil CD's, one of the the Family Guy LIve in Vegas album (thanks Mango!)

I guess one could say that the glass is half full rather than empty and that people can truly get by with a little help from their friends. It's good to have them, both the old and my new found ones here.

I just got a package in the mail from the roommate. For no apparent reason she found something on the web that just came out and she, recognizing the inner geek in me, got me a nice little gift.

Star Trek: The Borg Fan Collective

This fits nicely into my collection...which I must remember to list one day on here. This was a truly nice gesture. Then again, it may have to do with the fact that as crazy as she may seem to me...she's just genuinely nice. Although she's wondering about whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. She's having a bout with being nice, whilest others wallow in ...whatever the opposite of nice is. Me? I'm neither nice, nor the opposite. I'm sinister... That's a whole other comic book in the box to be read on another month. I'm...the type who gives to those what they deserve....the one who doesn't simply turn another cheek. But that's a tad too deep for this, a celebration of a friendly gesture.

Why can't people just get along?
Why are there people who dissapoint others?
Why can't old friends be as tight as they used to be?

There comes a time in ones life when you wonder if people outgrow each other. Do they get to a point where they just can't communicate? Is there a point where you no longer know what to say?

I feel remorse. I can't seem to make certain people in my life happy. Some don't get enough of my time. Others, when they get the time, don't get it in quality. I wonder, how I'm supposed to bring support and help and betterment to the world with this whole "prophet" job thing if I can't even help those closest to me.

My former muse... We just can't seem to connect anymore. I run out of things to say. Yes...me. I actually end up silent way too often. Maybe it's my environment. Maybe it's my mundane day job which keeps me stifled. Maybe I'm too lazy or tired to do anything about it. I hate that. Where's the energizer bunny that was me? Whats worse...if I want to create a topic...it revolves around ME. Nothing new or creative. Shameful for one such as myself. Sometimes I think it reflects in these blogs too. I don't want to be about me. I, like my music, am supposed to be about the people, for the people.

I need to get out of this drudging funk and put more effort into the needs of others. I know that sounds odd from an evil bastid like myself, but evil and mean are two different things.

Look people, I'm sorry I've changed... but I think I can jump start into something better. I'll know when it's better because when I get it right... I'll feel like a prophet and not just some malcontent. Let me apologize deeply as I have a few more miles of this journey to travel and I value those who stand with me. I truly do. To be an Epicalist is to be able to find bliss in all situations. How hypocrtical it is of me to not create and spread bliss to all.

Bliss in any form is pleasurable... Be it evil or good. That's just a state of mind anyway. I would simply like to be the delivery man. Somethings make you feel worse than others.

My house mate had been gravely ill. I got worried. I was a pretty good friend then. It seems as they got better, I returned to prickster mode. Possibly because I'm not in good health at this moment. I constantly have headaches...sometimes migraines. I wake up with them, sometimes before bed. I need to do like Shaun of the Dead and just write all my problems on the dry erase board, wake up and see them and start my day on them...barring a zombie attack of course.

*Be a better friend to those closest
*Straighten out life
*Eat less, don't stress eat
*Stop being lazy.

I'm sure I could think of more, but... You get the drift. Most fall under as sub divisions of Lazy.

I've figured it out. As a proponent for the 7 deadly sins, I've let the balance between them decay. I tossed aside vanity and pride for sloth and greed and at times...envy. See... You CAN live by the sins... They just have to be balanced. I must regain balance again.

The infallible are not to be trusted. They think they are better than others. Be ye hero or antihero, no mortal being can be perfect. As I attempt to get closer on my path to endarkenment, I must admit many things to myself.

I have a terrible relationship with many people. Starting with myself.

I look in the mirror and I see a horrible person. I am flawed. Now, Mother Confessor, I must bear my soul to you, my electronic world wide webinatrix. I must begin to clean my Karma clock before I head into the studio next week. I cannot have a project tainted with such flummery. I had a muse tell me that.

Too defeat these demons, I must recognize them first. I had a muse tell me that.

Physically: I'm too bloody fat. Although I encourage people of all shapes, sizes and colors to become Epicans and D'Sarians... I must face the facts that my own acceptance in certain mediums of the music industry is in jeopardy, as they are shallow substandard commercially inept beings that are no more evolved than a used car salesman. Yes, I freely toss barbs at the barracudas that swim the pools of the recording industry. One day, I hope they read my disdain in them. My tirade upon them ends here. This is not about them. When it comes to myself, I know that if I were to do a show today, I'd die on stage. I must begin stamina training and lose some stressed-on pudge.

Mentally: I have lost my creative edge as a trend setter , rathe than trend follower. I had amuse tell me that.

I am too self centered. I have lost my ear for the woes of those whom I had sworn to speak for. I have been placing myself ahead of those who need me most, be they fan or friend.
I had a muse tell me that.

I was once confident yet not arrogant. Now I seem to have tainted myself into a permanent sociopathic grouch. I have become cynical, jaded, bitter and downright mean to all the wrong people. I have gone deaf to their cries and woes. I trample on feelings. I hurt those closest to me. I give inadvertent unknowing unmitigated slaps in the face to those who know me best and that I truly care for, be they friend, lover...hell I even did this when I was married. This is a severe character flaw. One cannot lead the broken if they are perfect. Then they would be god. I had a muse tell me that.

Oh yea... Once upon a time, when I was not as flawed as this? I had a muse. I need to get one of those again. I suppose if I corrected some of these flaws, I'd have one...and allot more friends. It seems I've lost allot of those too with my changes.

There. I got it off my chest. Although I doubt I'll be going into my psychological oddities at this time. I have rescued kitties to attend to. They give me that end of the Grinch feeling. This should help me regain some compassion again. Then maybe...one day the muse will return...and I'll get new friends.