Recently, I was contacted by an old friend who has been reading these blogs. They have known me for ages but I surmise that they never really knew me.
I say that because they mentioned how they always knew I was a dark soul, but never understood how complex it was. I must admit, during my early years I suppose I was in early developement and after that I suppose I was playing the role more than truly living it. Yet those were the years I was at my strongest, metaphysically. So there's a paradox right there. In one instance I was a powerful dark disturbed lad who had dabbled in magics that I shouldn't have, and in the end, initially regretted them. I spent many years trying to ignore the outcome of the forces I unleashed. As time marched on, I began to accept what I had done. Then the darkness began to enshroud me. I kept it to myself, selfishly, not realizing that there was power in darkness. The darker I became, the better I felt. Yet always, I chose to dance alone. The more I thought about it, the reality of light had let me down.
I went to Catholic school as a lad. In the early grades, I even was the type who actually believed the "son of god" walked with us. So much so, I even tried to scrunch into my seat so that this invisible "holy son" could sit next to me in my seat. Yet time and time again, prayers went unanswered. I was not a "good son". I often got in trouble, and was often punished accordingly. The joke that my mother was my first dominatrix (however disturbing that thought was) often surfaced. No threshold of pain could correct my heinous ways. I began to enjoy it over time. Pain is your friend. It reminds you you are a live and sentient.
So anyway...this friend asked me why I never tried to turn them to the darkside. In retrospect, I remember that I tried half heartedly. I was too self centered to think about spreading my psionic wealth in the gifts wrought in darkness. When I taught metaphysics, I taught it as a science and not a religion. The gifts granted the mind were to be harnessed, yes... But your path was ultimately your choice. That was my philosophy then. Today, those who seek my teachings must travel my path, learn the ways of the D'Sari or do not bother with me, for those gifts are too great to be wasted. Back then there had been no strength of will to try to spread only half developed beliefs. Now I feel I have come to terms with myself and the path I have chosen.
Now another thing I have realized. I, in the small scale, have touched alot of lives. If one were to think about it temporally, those who knew me personally, would have seen a completely different life had they not known me. As it would seem, it was for the better. Would they have know or experienced the same things had I not been in their lives? Doubtful. I speculate my friends life may have been very different had I pressed on in my beliefs. Perhaps they may have become more assertive and had greater inner strengths to make better or rather, more advantagous choices for themselves. They would have seen that in the grand scheme of endarkenment, the humanistic issue is the core of the darkside.
Darkness is not crime or murder. It is not sacrificing virgins. It is not about criminal acts or thuggery. It is about living for yourself, without selfishness. It is the dismissal of the beliefs that you must follow some undefined holy path in order to be happy. It isn't crashing planes into buildings. In turn it isn't about fucking over your good friends. It's about cause and affect. It's not about turning the other cheek. It's about enjoying life. It's the Atkins diet of life. Eat all the yummy, allegedly "dangerous" foods and lose weight!
We place too much value on fearing some allegedly benevolent "supreme being". If the light preaches the love of its god, why are they "god fearing"?
Do you often fear what you love? Should you be forced to live in fear of what you love? One never loves an abusive, sexually molesting father. You usually tend to hate them. If a religion forces you to love and fear at the same time, then that's just twisted and illogical.
Were as a species are logical animals. The only thing that sets us apart is our ability to reason over our primal instincts. Yet in the same instance, we ignore all that makes us happy. Strange as it sounds, one should embrace their fears and emotions. If you hide from the world of darkness, then you have the best rose coloured glasses on the market. To embrace your fears and tragedies is to help deal with them.
Think about this on a physical level... Get a horrible headache. If you apply pressure on the temples, it begins to sway the pain. You have faced your pain. If you hurt yourself, introducing another pain like a pinch in another area may make you forget the prior injury. That's the redirection approach. Another way to look at it is this; After enduring a pain, knowing what it is and conquering it, aren't you much happier when it has subsided?
I suspect, this is why we, after living through a horrible break-up, continue to torture ourselves listening to the old love songs of that relationship. In part, we are trying to relive the memories, and in some sick form of self mental mutliation, we enjoy dwelling in the pain of an empty heart. But...after time passes... We survive, lick our wounds and chalk it up to experience, and proceed to either forget or celebrate the memory fondly.
We, as humans are resilient. We adapt. And also we, no matter what certain religions say, are allowed to exact revenge. It's in our competitive nature. Only the weak lay down and let themselves be run roughshod over. The D'Sari are not weak. We strive for personal greatness and glory. No one has to sit back and take what life dishes them, unless they are meek.
Speaking of meek..."the meek shall inherit the earth"? Doubtful. "only the strong survive" is a better motto. The prior was created as a justification for weakness.
My my my... I thought this was going to be short. It seems I've rambled on a bit. But that's the fun of blogging. You clear your head when you write it down.
