(The "Mockumentary")
Here's a funny. A few weeks ago, I did this "mockumentary" with my engineer. It's about his life and battle with death. He has a form of cancer that threatened his existence. Now somehow he ended up hooking up with a some documentary producer. They'll be shopping it to PBS. The reason why I call it a "mockumentary" is because it seems to have very odd if not funny parts to it. In this film, I was brought in with anyone else who recorded there with him into his studio. Now because I'm such a ...colorful character, He wanted me to bring all the little trinkets of doom I had at home (or at least as many as i could transport legally). We made a sort of "set" where we created this illusion of a character of Darkstar that is so off the wall that he needs these dark trinkets in the studio to make him feel at home so he could create music better. C'mon folks, music is in the heart. No amount of props can change what's in my mind.
So anyway... This guy asks me questions while I'm all done up in pseudo stage gear. I hated the camera angle. The stills make me look like I have a watermelon for a head. Reminder: Next time...look in the camera first or view pre-shots before commiting to film. There's another life lesson.
I'm actually embarrassed by the shot they have of me on the movie poster. I didn't want anyone to see it. If my mom sees it, she'll think I have elephantitis.
Yesterday I get an IM from the engineer. They want me to send stills that I would like to be placed in the movie for the segment breaks. Well at least I have a way to right SOME of the wrongs there. I plan to dress up in some new gear and take digital shots I LIKE. We may post a few if they are up to standard. So if anyone was wondering why there are no pictures in the images page...it's because there are no recent ones. I could always post 10 year old ones. I really don't LOOK that different.
About the questions:
This guy asked me who the D'Sari were and how this religion came to be. It's not a friggin' religion folks. I'm no cult leader. My music does not promote the drinking of tainted Kool-AidŽ. I'm a man. I'm a man with a mission to tell the stories no one else wants to. My kind of controversy will be shrouded in palatable music that your MOM or DAD might sing if they didn't stop to review the lyrics. It's dramatic. It's exciting. It's EPIC. It will leave you in awe. It will move anyone under 45 and over 12. It will be the topic of conversation. Tipper Gore wil have my picture on the same wall with Ozzy, Twisted Sister, Marilyn Manson and Eminem. But it is NOT some cult babble. It is by the people FOR the people.
So anyway...this guy asks me where the vampires are.if they bit him in the ass he'd know. I tell him that vampires aren't real. Now think for a moment. What self respecting vampire would actually ADMIT he IS one on film? I really will not discuss the topics of Vampires or Werewolves or Occult practice or Satanism or any of my such views in some silly documentary that in my opinion was out to possibly exploit me or make a fool out of me. I filmed that movie "tongue in cheek". They wanted a character....I GAVE them one. Believe me, the REAL Darkstar is much more amusing than that depiction of the shell in that film. The real fun will be trying to decipher what it is I'm really saying in all that gobbledegook I'm spewing. Find the real message like finding Waldo. That'll be the fun. The TRUE D'Sari know what the deal is.
The part I really liked was when I had to lip sync to my song at the mic as if I was recording live.
The part I hated was this idiotic "show and tell' segment he made me do with all the props I brought. I mean...I really didn't feel like bringing them, but they thought it would add life or character to myself and the film. I think they just wanted me to be the Jerry Springer guest of the film. SEE what happens when you're misunderstood?
So...when it comes out...it comes out. If you see it... Don't take it seriously. Well...ok...maybe HALF seriously.
The true example of those who can't ...teach.
One of my best friends who I don't talk to that much anymore calls me. That should be a good thing. He calls me to tell me he has a son. A newborn. Fine. Congratulations. Yet he has no intention of marriage . I don't think he's thought that out.
Now...everyone has dreams and goals and desires... And after many years, I believe I'm following the right path. A little slow, but the right one. Now of course I KNOW, it's not going to be easy. I know that there are a ton of other artists out there trying like squirrels to get a nut. I don't even think I want to be like some high profile singer...I, like Ozzy "just want to make music, that's all". I want to be what we as a species need: a voice. Music says nothing to us or for us these days. Decades ago it did. Nothing has any emotional staying power.
My friend tells me things like :"a record exec will ask ...'Does he have a look? Does he have any stage experience? Does he get stage fright? can he handle a crowd of thousands? Does he have a following? Does he play regularly?' What do you have to offer?' What are you going to say? 'Well...He has a WEBSITE!' Millions of people have websites these days! You say you have a book of songs in your head...but you need them on disc. That's like having a CD player and no CDs!"
Ok ...so... I have a website and a song. This weekend I expect to start on the next one. Yea... I'm a little slow on production, but the drive's there. I can't include the 10 year old project because it's dated.
Ok... I admit, I'm lazy and I procrastinate. Most of us are. YES! I should be working harder past the obstacles in my way...but sometimes they seem so overwhelming. Does that stop me? No.
Part of my funding is being divided to fix my car that was in an accident and the fucker that's at fault has Allstate. Those bastards never pay without a day in court, so I have to fix the car out of pocket to make it driveable again, then file with a court, hire a lawyer and sue like Sue was my middle name.
I digressed...anyway... My friend made a point to mention my alleged contacts and how they don't wait forever... Y'know, that's why you never go for the second level in the contact ladder until you have a product, press kit, marketing and demographic plan in hand. I KNOW they don't last forever. Missed opportunities are just that ...missed. So you make new ones. I'll contact the first tier to get to second tier when the time comes. I'm still young yet. I keep this all on a need to know basis.
He said that if I can't find a band, I should hire one. Tell me this...if you hire a band...what's to say that with the conflict in musical ideas, you'd get on CD, the exact product in your head?
When I recorded "Darkside" last year... I found ONE keyboardist who was amenable to the idea of creating this new sound. Now she wasn't that keen on most of my subject matter , but she was the closest to understanding my psyche behind it. What I would REALLY want is a Jim Steinman to my Meatloaf. A Twiggy to my Marilyn. A Garfunkle to my Simon. But like the old adage, we all say..."I just want to be at least for a brief moment in time... understood."
I have another keyboardist I was contemplating recording with...but his forte was singing about sex drugs and rock and roll...which these days is a little too 70's for me. He thought my themes were too dark and that I and even this website was a little creepy for him. HELL can he play though!! But still... What could I expect from a non-like minded individual? I think there may be added stress in the translation since I don't really PLAY anything.
I remember when I recorded a song about hate crimes called "The worst 4 letter word...Hate" 10 years ago... I was in the last hours of the mix, running out of money and I had my DJ friend come by the studio. His input was to "turn up the drums". Well by doing that, it turned a cool...almost industrial type song into a Latino Hip Hop sound that I hate listening to, lost affection for the song and abandoned finishing it.
Back to my friend who was scolding me, so to speak...he told me he was a manager once for about 3 groups. I asked him "Well where are they now?" Jokingly I said "Where's Tupac o' cigarettes now?" He said he didn't know nor did he care. Can I really listen to a man who failed to successfully manage 3 bands as an authority?
What my true goals and attack plan are...are just that. Mine. I'm not trying to reinvent the wheel... I just want to make it roll better. But a sportscar wheel is useless on an SUV, so my wheel may not be for EVERYBODY.
I have trust issues when it comes to this project. I Believe its' hot. I believe it will change the face of music...then again, so does every musician. So I guess we'll just sit back and see the next episodes as they come.
Here's a silly question... On American Idol...how many of those pop star wannabe's were ever on stage besides a High School play?
Can you tell I'm a little ticked by that conversation I had? Recommendations for future back seat managers: Get ALL the facts first before you spew.
PS: I told him I'd call him back as I was called away from the phone. He said "You won't call me for another year because you don't want to hear what I've got to say about this."
He may just end up on my "I must prove you wrong list".
So many years have gone by... And I'm not THERE yet. Where is "there"? That's both an easy yet difficult question. "There" is the point in my life when I've reached the ultimate goal. It's not this idiotic job I have that pay the bills. It's that point where all the things in my head come out to the world. It's been 10 years since my last attempt at a demo project and I can see where I've changed. I looked over my old lyrics the other day. Even the post high school ones. Aaaah, yes...the standard statement comes from reading them..."If I only knew then what I knew now."
Now, although I think I've got the proper formula, is time still on my side? Are the dark fates that guide my hands still willing to wait for me to get my act together?
I think I'm trying to reflect here. Too many hatreds of all that I have become. The things I used to do seem so distant in the past. The mystic powers I possessed...where are they now? I am a skeleton of the hellion I was then. The problem with getting older is that they tell you to grow up...be more mature. Only when you do that, you lose site of who you really are as you become re-programmed.
Programming...now THERE'S a funny thought. We're programmed as children by our parents. Their agenda is to make us either better than they were or at least clone themselves. My father was a cold unfeeling man. If anything, he just wanted me to be just like him and in many ways he succeeded. Probably all the WRONG ways. My mother just wanted ONE of our clan to be successful like dad.
I wanted to be in the arts. Funny how I came from a family of artists, yet no one pushed me to pursue it. It took forever for them to realize that that's where I was heading. Mom was a model...one of the pioneers in her industry. She painted here and there and so did my father. My brother can't seem to make a single idea work in business after getting a Masters in it. My sister is married and living in my dead aunts house. I think she got the best deal of the bunch as my oldest brother at 49 still lives at home in my moms attic. Funny...they had so much belief in him...now he comes to me begging for money to save yet another failed business venture. I have not the time nor resources for that.
My money is tied up in too many cookie jars. I invest not in stocks and bonds and crap like that... But in people. I believe in my room mates dream and wouldn't mind throwing it all away into that project because I believe it will work. See... my belief is the reason you are reading this.
Let alone the money I put into producing music. Funny thing is... I KNOW I have good product. I KNOW I can make it with the ideas in my head. I ALSO know I'm scared shitless. I hold myself back. I procrastinate. THAT'S the by-product of bad programming. I'm so busy thinking in both directions... "What if I fail?", "What if no one likes it?", "What if I can't do as expected?"....Oh wait! Here's the capper: "What if I make it, get to that highpoint and then lose it all..?!?" I sometimes act like one of those people that live the relationship in their mind before they even say "hello" to the girl they're looking at. You know the type... " Oh we'll meet with a glance, throw ourselves into a passionate relationship, get into that over comfortable stage...then begin to drift apart as she's caught sleeping with my best friend and leave me crushed and crying in my Cheerios".
Aaaah yes... The doomsayers. The ones that never go forward due to fear. But as it would seem, I'm just like them.
Where is that daring D'Sari that lived on the edge? Where did he go? Where IS that trendsetter? Did he become bloated and stodgy in his cushy job getting fat like a yuppie?
I look at 10 year old pictures of myself and look at them and ask "What happened to you?" You had IT! You're SUPPOSED to have IT." Perhaps it's time to "reach inside and find solace in my darkside" like I'm so busy singing about. I mean...where is that mystic feral wild child that prowled Gotham's underbelly? Better yet...where is the prophet to record mans tears?
Heh..."prophet". There's a powerful word. John the Baptist was a prophet. Fat lot o' good it did HIM. My problem with these terms like IT and PROPHET? I was never programmed to think in any form of greatness... Thanks Dad. At least not in the sense I think of greatness. Mom's ideas of greatness meant politics of law or medicine. I remember when she pulled me out of all those High School programs... Music and Drama, Forensics... Art Director of the Newspaper and Yearbook... Thanks Mom. DA Vinci needed parents like you.
How the fuck did Manson get into this thing? It's one thing to have supportive parents...but who supported THAT? I mean...did his parents know they were pushing him to be ...HIM?
I won't get lost in a tirade about other artists...not here... I have my boards for that. If I do it here, it sounds like petty jealousy. I'm not jealous... I just feel I'm waiting in the gate for the next race. Only problem is the race is now.
Funny... My friends believed in me, but my parents didn't. My parents programmed me so now what?
Well... At least I'm going on with the music. The message will be made. Must crawl before I walk. Lets look at it this way, I don't want to be one of those guys listening to his sons band in the garage saying... "Y'know son...your DAD was a singer once..." and then pulls out his old lyrics and CD's (embarrassing his young son in front of his friends because CD's are SOOOOOOOO turn of the century!) and then gets lost in reflection of what he MIGHT have been one day....
Ok...I'm getting disgusted ... That's enough for today... I think. You never know. I think this may actually get me somewhere, this, letting it all out thing.