December 04, 2006

I really WANT good holidays for everyone.

Yea... I know. You'd figure Xmas isn't my thing. It's not really. I love Halloween. Xmas hasn't been that special in my house as a lad. The best thing that can be said is that holidays are pretty special at my adopted family's house. That would be Webkittyn's parents. It's a big deal there and it fills a void on the holiday....

But this holiday, I'm noticing too many with bigger issues that I can't deny. I want Karma. I want good Karma to wash through life so I can finish my mission.

I have a good day job. A very good 6 figure day job. I was thankful on Thanksgiving for that. Yet no matter what I can't seem to help everyone the way I want in this fashion. I may be evil, but I have a good and fair heart. I guess that's why I say I'm Lawful Evil. Have I confused you yet?

It seems the only way I can truly help all those that need it is to get the Church and the musical movement working.

But I'm frustrated. People want more of my time. They'd like more one on one time with me. I don't seem to be able to deliver that well. It would only get worse when I get further along my path.

I'm even more frustrated when I can't help when I'd like. As much as I make, I can't do all I can during the holidays. Here's an example:

I have a friend. A very good friend. She has some sort of tumor in her ovaries that may lead to serious cancer. They're attempting to take it and possibly the ovaries out as we speak.

From an email sent to me by she: For those of you who don't know I have a large tumor between my ovary and uterus, along with endometriosis Presently the doctor will only be removing the left ovary and tumor but, since my blood indicated some spikes for cancer, he may have to remove "everything."

This person has been on disability for some time. About 10 years ago she violently lost her father during Xmas. Holidays are not very good for her. Xmas is pretty much a dead (pardon the pun) issue.

Now she lives in a house, on her own with like 15 cats and a dog. She can barely make ends meet. She lost her private nail practice, suffered from failed lawsuits and after this operation, her chances of being a mother naturally are gone. I even believe she once told me she contracted Lyme disease. Her mother is an evil shrew and her bed is a horror show.A poor quality set that has been peed on by cats over the years and just needs to be burnt to ashes.

I wanted to get her something from Kingsdown which would be good for her back problems from Sleepy's the Mattress Professionals. I wouldn't go crazy with it, but something better than what she has considering how she'll have to spend allot of time in bed rest recovering.

Anyway... It seems that no matter how much I make, I can't seem to solve everyones problem. Besides holiday gifting, some which will probably get theirs after Xmas as I'll be out of town of sorts, I just wanted to do something proper and "stand uppish" to fit the holiday season... and yet... alas, I feel inadequate as I cannot. The funds just aren't there when they should be. I was gifted funds to buy a flat screen TV... yet I think it would be better to allocate them to a better cause. I can always get a TV. Laying in pain after surgery in a terrible bed is hell. How much can a human body take?

That makes me feel ...sad. Inherently, my nature is to help. I thought this was the easy way. Funny... It seems easier attempting to change the world by offering it an alternative way of thinking and musical anthems to perpetuate the cause.

I have so many friends struggling. I've always wanted to help them. Is this the fates way of saying I can't help them the conventional way? Are they trying to spur me into working the project to fruition? Are the Dark Lords holding me an emotional hostage so that I'll get off my ass and do what I must? I guess I'll have to just finish the job then.

Ho Ho Fucking Ho.

Posted by Darkstar at December 4, 2006 10:42 PM | TrackBack