July 08, 2005

Reflections.

The infallible are not to be trusted. They think they are better than others. Be ye hero or antihero, no mortal being can be perfect. As I attempt to get closer on my path to endarkenment, I must admit many things to myself.

I have a terrible relationship with many people. Starting with myself.

I look in the mirror and I see a horrible person. I am flawed. Now, Mother Confessor, I must bear my soul to you, my electronic world wide webinatrix. I must begin to clean my Karma clock before I head into the studio next week. I cannot have a project tainted with such flummery. I had a muse tell me that.

Too defeat these demons, I must recognize them first. I had a muse tell me that.

Physically: I'm too bloody fat. Although I encourage people of all shapes, sizes and colors to become Epicans and D'Sarians... I must face the facts that my own acceptance in certain mediums of the music industry is in jeopardy, as they are shallow substandard commercially inept beings that are no more evolved than a used car salesman. Yes, I freely toss barbs at the barracudas that swim the pools of the recording industry. One day, I hope they read my disdain in them. My tirade upon them ends here. This is not about them. When it comes to myself, I know that if I were to do a show today, I'd die on stage. I must begin stamina training and lose some stressed-on pudge.

Mentally: I have lost my creative edge as a trend setter , rathe than trend follower. I had amuse tell me that.

I am too self centered. I have lost my ear for the woes of those whom I had sworn to speak for. I have been placing myself ahead of those who need me most, be they fan or friend.
I had a muse tell me that.

I was once confident yet not arrogant. Now I seem to have tainted myself into a permanent sociopathic grouch. I have become cynical, jaded, bitter and downright mean to all the wrong people. I have gone deaf to their cries and woes. I trample on feelings. I hurt those closest to me. I give inadvertent unknowing unmitigated slaps in the face to those who know me best and that I truly care for, be they friend, lover...hell I even did this when I was married. This is a severe character flaw. One cannot lead the broken if they are perfect. Then they would be god. I had a muse tell me that.

Oh yea... Once upon a time, when I was not as flawed as this? I had a muse. I need to get one of those again. I suppose if I corrected some of these flaws, I'd have one...and allot more friends. It seems I've lost allot of those too with my changes.

There. I got it off my chest. Although I doubt I'll be going into my psychological oddities at this time. I have rescued kitties to attend to. They give me that end of the Grinch feeling. This should help me regain some compassion again. Then maybe...one day the muse will return...and I'll get new friends.

Posted by Darkstar at July 8, 2005 07:24 PM