I have flaws. I know that. Everyone does. I'm not a god, thus I am not infalible. Lately, I find I lack the drive and pride I had in my earlier years. I lack the same emotional commitment I had say...10...maybe 15 years ago.Especially back during the first project. Now I'm older...a bit more cynical...more seasoned, only not seasoned to the right taste.
I was a different man 10 years ago. I had a greater metaphysical drive, a greater sense of self worth. I felt better about myself mentally, physically and metaphysically. Now as the years go on, I feel it's harder to recapture those days. And there in lies the problem. No, you CAN'T go home again.
Let me tell you how I was. I was arrogant, yes, but that was arrogance from confidence. Now it's just bitter obnoxiousness. I used to hate the conservative right wing and yuppie scum...then I went into a corporate suit and tie job and became the mindless automaton....jaded into my job which, though it deals with new people on a daily basis, I find myself often running on auto-pilot.
I was never very satisfied with things in the old days, and fueled my drive. When I was in that frame of mind, if I was drawing something and it wasn't working out, I'd destroy it and start again. I'm like that now still, only I don't do anything about it. If I hate it, I just stop working on it...hoping the next time I come back to it, it will be get better. That's very complacent of me.
These days, I'm more susceptible to negative thoughts and drives and comments. When I was younger, my belief process was greater.
Fantom S: how to fuck up a wet dream.
Friday the 16th, the Fantom S comes by UPS... You'd think I would be psyched... And I am. But I mentioned to someone that I bought a Fantom, and you know what they said? "But you don't PLAY keyboards." Now what kinda shit is that to say? I know I'm not a keyboardist. So what? I wrote "Darkside" without knowing how to play. I wrote 3 of the 4 original songs on my original demo (one was a remake) without knowing how to read or write music at ALL.
In the old days, I would just stick out my tongue at them and then go back to thinking the way I was before they opened their mouth. I am my own worst enemy and my own worst critic. I don't need help in denegrating me. I do it quite well on my own. Why? Because I'm a perfectionist when it comes to my artistry.
So I'm thinking to myself, I need to go back in time to my mental state at the time. Not the part that was less mature, but the emotional mind frame of the time. I think at the time, I was closer to being the Nexus (see entry dated 10.20.03")
, however I didn't have the product. Now the product flows like water, yet I am having doubts on whether I can actually be the prophet of the new age. This is something I must overcome.
My time is running out. By that I mean, my time has come, but I may miss this final opportunity if I don't step it up. The sound I have is appealing for the times. The lyrics are right for the times. The image is enticing. The confidence is waning. I was cocky when I was younger. Now, you might say that, the more skiddish I become of it all, the better the product must be. This probably stems from my fear of success. Oft times I feel safer in the dream than the reality. It seems more fun to revel in the "what could have been because of it's superior potential" , rather than " Holy shit! I did it... But can I keep it up, will it succeed, will this be a one shot deal, will I have staying power???" mentality. I see projects similar to mine that are out there. Similar, yet not quite right. Then I wonder who at this very moment is having the same thoughts, working on the same project.
What would I do with the Fantom...? HA! I would use it for what it is. A workstation. It's worth it alone for the cabability to create new sounds with the digital sampler. Workstations are more than just "electric pianos" and synthsizers. They are computers which manipulate sound. It's all about learniing it's OS. Everything is a formula in my eyes. My music creation is a formula. My art is a formula. It's the only way my head works.
Now I'm trying to find the formula that is my psyche again. I think the coming of another Beltane and the new keyboard will help... Alot.
REBEL! REBEL! These chains of corporate America be a-binding! BREAK THEM! BREAK FREE!