Ok...month 2 of boot camp has begun and I'm nowhere closer than before. I don't count minor victories as they are far and few between. It's one thing to want to try to change the world. Another is having the plan to actually do it. I have the plan, yet I am alone in this endeavor. I have no cabinet of advisors, no like minded musicians and currently no muse to aid in guidance. Those who have suggestions may or may not hold the right ones. I have several musicians I can work with, yet they all have issues that don't necessarily mesh with mine. I have one keyboardist/guitarist I want to audition who works with me, yet he has no instruments anymore. My main one who worked on "Darkside" with me, just got engaged (see prior entry) so I don't know how reliable that will be...and I have another at work who just doesn't seem to get it. By "doesn't seem to get it", I mean, his philosophy on music is rather "old school". He has 80's hair band mentality where they only sang escapist songs about the flights of fancy of sex drugs and rock and roll. That's too 20th Century. That went out when angry angst driven grunge took over and killed hair band metal. Now it's the 21st Century and most music is angry and angst driven.
For those who don't know, Epican music is one step beyond simple mindless rage. It's lyrics are thought provoking tales of woe that no one else would probably write or sing about. The 7 deadly sins are often a great fodder for some songs. Ethereal topics like the paranormal, occultism, fetishism, substance dependence and twisted realities are another. Add also songs of brutal horrific gore and oddities that though they may sound far-fetched, are actual happenings. And THERE'S the rub. These are the dark parts of life that NO ONE wants to sing about. People are too afraid of offending anyone. Afraid of the media. Afraid of the religious right. Afraid of Tipper Gore and the Bush regime. I'm personally looking to make any friends out there. I WANT people to hate me as much as others love me. I'm looking to bridge gaps between several generations. Age isn't a factor. I sing for the thinking mind. I sing for those who aren't afraid of challenging the status quo and what's wrong with it.
Back to the problem at hand, I can't find anyone who understands what I'm after. I've come across so many talented people, however, there's no spark of endarkenment. I can't find a kindred soul to work with. Like the one guy at work. I've HEARD him play. I've HEARD his music and I must say he's a phenomenal musician!! However, although he wants to collaborate, his vision is not the same as mine. He's not onboard to join a project that was painstakingly thought out in all aspects. He's not onboard because he believes in what the projects emotional energy is. In fact I have no idea why he would be on board in the first place. I like the guy, I like his playing, but I don't want just someone to play music. I want an impassioned endarkened artist who feels as I do, who has quirks, who is flawed and who exudes sheer genius because of such.
So my problems go on. I have a head full of songs exploding from my brain and I can't seem to either get time to put them into a computer (save for a Pocket PC music composition program called Syntrax...sort of a portable 8 track Cakewalk) or to get together with someone to work the songs out.
New songs or snippets are created daily...they plague me like they come from somewhere not of this earth. Chorus' usually. The "hook" as they call it. Ideas flow that must leave my mind. The other day I was designing formal wear and stage outfits. Talk about the cart before the horse!
If I'm having problems convincing other musicians of the validity and severity of the project and how far this can really go...how am I supposed to convince the music world that I have that "new sound" they've been craving for, let alone the "new voice of the prophet of mans angst"?
Then there's the other evil: Time management. I have no time for anything. When I had a muse, it was said that I should have my blinders on and block out all distractions until the goal was achieved. I can be weak at times. Martyrdom is not my forté. I have weaknesses to things. I don't go out anymore (however, it's about time I went out and began hunting for some sort of endarkened band),and I don't waste time on things and spend allot of time researching the people of the world who are the stories of Epica. Time and fates have been against me in ways...domestically. Many different obstacles are thrown my way and try to overwhelm me. But I will remain undaunted. They try to hit hard too. Firing tragedy after tragedy...and the worst part is, these tragedies have no songs in them!
Y'know what I need? It's been suggested that I look for young music major interns who need a project for finals or something. Two good things can come of that. I either get free musicians or I find like minded bandmates. Either way, they will not be forgotten when it comes time to sign contracts and produce post-production work for whatever label I traverse to.
I have entertainment lawyers I need to call, however I'd like more product before I decide to get involved in taking up their time. Unlike my brothers idea of selling a single, I'm in this to make a statement...not just make a single then go back to washing cars or something. People do not realize... I'd be leaving a very good paying steady job of 10 years for this...so suffice it to say, I'm not doing this on a whim, for I'm in this with a mission and purpose to release GOOD MUSIC back into the world. It's about the love of music. The essence of an artist.
Funny. "Good music. " The problem right there is: Good music is in the ear of the listener. Good music is usually bought on a large scale and then when it IS bought on a large scale, then that is "popular" music. I spit on popular music. I HATE pop music, probably because I fault it for the downfall of the music industry.
I have no intention of screwing this up. But the planning to implementation stages are taking too much time. Time. The enemy of all musicians. Time to work on the music whole-heartedly. Time to tinker with my programs. Time to get together with whatever means I have to lay tracks. Time to play "catch up" with whatever competition I have, whether it's been on my side of the tracks or on the other, they are the ones who have taken strides forward as I stay unduly stagnant.
Oh yea... Boot Camp is fun, boys and girls...and I've only just started. I completely rewrote my current project all the while my present keyboardist was out of the country. I feel like a race horse stuck in the chute before the race starts. I'm antsy to get things moving. Then my issues with instant gratification and typical human male weakness will vanish. I need to actually DO something with this music or I'll go mad. It must come out. Progress... That's what I want. I want accomplishments. I want to work hard on creation. In all the arts I've been involved in, it's creation I enjoy most.
My ramble is going in waaay too many directions... I will close now. I think frustration is setting in.
Why was I given such gifts and talents and yet, without proper support, I fear they may become wasted in this lifetime?
Lords of endarkenment...
hear my pleas...
guide me to the path
of prophetic heraldry...