So many years have gone by... And I'm not THERE yet. Where is "there"? That's both an easy yet difficult question. "There" is the point in my life when I've reached the ultimate goal. It's not this idiotic job I have that pay the bills. It's that point where all the things in my head come out to the world. It's been 10 years since my last attempt at a demo project and I can see where I've changed. I looked over my old lyrics the other day. Even the post high school ones. Aaaah, yes...the standard statement comes from reading them..."If I only knew then what I knew now."
Now, although I think I've got the proper formula, is time still on my side? Are the dark fates that guide my hands still willing to wait for me to get my act together?
I think I'm trying to reflect here. Too many hatreds of all that I have become. The things I used to do seem so distant in the past. The mystic powers I possessed...where are they now? I am a skeleton of the hellion I was then. The problem with getting older is that they tell you to grow up...be more mature. Only when you do that, you lose site of who you really are as you become re-programmed.
Programming...now THERE'S a funny thought. We're programmed as children by our parents. Their agenda is to make us either better than they were or at least clone themselves. My father was a cold unfeeling man. If anything, he just wanted me to be just like him and in many ways he succeeded. Probably all the WRONG ways. My mother just wanted ONE of our clan to be successful like dad.
I wanted to be in the arts. Funny how I came from a family of artists, yet no one pushed me to pursue it. It took forever for them to realize that that's where I was heading. Mom was a model...one of the pioneers in her industry. She painted here and there and so did my father. My brother can't seem to make a single idea work in business after getting a Masters in it. My sister is married and living in my dead aunts house. I think she got the best deal of the bunch as my oldest brother at 49 still lives at home in my moms attic. Funny...they had so much belief in him...now he comes to me begging for money to save yet another failed business venture. I have not the time nor resources for that.
My money is tied up in too many cookie jars. I invest not in stocks and bonds and crap like that... But in people. I believe in my room mates dream and wouldn't mind throwing it all away into that project because I believe it will work. See... my belief is the reason you are reading this.
Let alone the money I put into producing music. Funny thing is... I KNOW I have good product. I KNOW I can make it with the ideas in my head. I ALSO know I'm scared shitless. I hold myself back. I procrastinate. THAT'S the by-product of bad programming. I'm so busy thinking in both directions... "What if I fail?", "What if no one likes it?", "What if I can't do as expected?"....Oh wait! Here's the capper: "What if I make it, get to that highpoint and then lose it all..?!?" I sometimes act like one of those people that live the relationship in their mind before they even say "hello" to the girl they're looking at. You know the type... " Oh we'll meet with a glance, throw ourselves into a passionate relationship, get into that over comfortable stage...then begin to drift apart as she's caught sleeping with my best friend and leave me crushed and crying in my Cheerios".
Aaaah yes... The doomsayers. The ones that never go forward due to fear. But as it would seem, I'm just like them.
Where is that daring D'Sari that lived on the edge? Where did he go? Where IS that trendsetter? Did he become bloated and stodgy in his cushy job getting fat like a yuppie?
I look at 10 year old pictures of myself and look at them and ask "What happened to you?" You had IT! You're SUPPOSED to have IT." Perhaps it's time to "reach inside and find solace in my darkside" like I'm so busy singing about. I mean...where is that mystic feral wild child that prowled Gotham's underbelly? Better yet...where is the prophet to record mans tears?
Heh..."prophet". There's a powerful word. John the Baptist was a prophet. Fat lot o' good it did HIM. My problem with these terms like IT and PROPHET? I was never programmed to think in any form of greatness... Thanks Dad. At least not in the sense I think of greatness. Mom's ideas of greatness meant politics of law or medicine. I remember when she pulled me out of all those High School programs... Music and Drama, Forensics... Art Director of the Newspaper and Yearbook... Thanks Mom. DA Vinci needed parents like you.
How the fuck did Manson get into this thing? It's one thing to have supportive parents...but who supported THAT? I mean...did his parents know they were pushing him to be ...HIM?
I won't get lost in a tirade about other artists...not here... I have my boards for that. If I do it here, it sounds like petty jealousy. I'm not jealous... I just feel I'm waiting in the gate for the next race. Only problem is the race is now.
Funny... My friends believed in me, but my parents didn't. My parents programmed me so now what?
Well... At least I'm going on with the music. The message will be made. Must crawl before I walk. Lets look at it this way, I don't want to be one of those guys listening to his sons band in the garage saying... "Y'know son...your DAD was a singer once..." and then pulls out his old lyrics and CD's (embarrassing his young son in front of his friends because CD's are SOOOOOOOO turn of the century!) and then gets lost in reflection of what he MIGHT have been one day....
Ok...I'm getting disgusted ... That's enough for today... I think. You never know. I think this may actually get me somewhere, this, letting it all out thing.
Posted by at September 20, 2003 03:23 PM